AIBU to not invite my 20 year old son on a trip with his siblings?

[vhydr]

Long one, sorry.

Back in March I found out my husband was having an affair with a much younger colleague. 26 years together. I was devastated, still am honestly. We have four kids my eldest is a son, 20, then a son, 19, then a daughter, 17, and my youngest, a daughter, 15. I moved out with the younger three. My eldest son chose to stay with his dad.

I never wanted my kids to pick sides. But I won't lie, it stung. I expected a bit of loyalty, not because he owes me anything as his mother, but because his dad cheated on me and lied to my face for who knows how long. My eldest told me I was "breaking up the family" by leaving. That one really got me.

My other son and both daughters are angry at their dad too, but they came with me and we've been doing okay. Therapy, lots of time together, dinners, days out. Financially we're fine, both high earners, so at least that's not a factor.
My eldest tried reaching out a few times and I'll admit I went quiet on him for a bit. I wasn't ignoring him out of hate, I was just raw.

Then my younger daughter graduated last month and she chose not to invite her eldest brother, she invited their dad instead. He was hurt, said something angry to her, it turned into a whole sibling blowup, his brother and sister ganged up on him. It's been tense since.

He's told me he doesn't think he'll ever be okay if I date or remarry one day. Says he wants nothing to do with a "blended family." I'm not seeing anyone, not looking to either, but that's clearly already a fault line with him.

Last week I took my younger son and two daughters away for the summer, posted a few photos. He saw them and texted "you could have invited me mama, but it's okay, I'm not your son anymore because your actions are making sure of that. I feel like I have no family and everyone hates me, I'm the outsider."

That gutted me. He's still my son and I love him. But he's also an adult who chose to stay with the parent who broke this family, and I didn't think to include him this time given where things stand with his sisters.

So, AIBU?

@vhydr Just echoing what others have said regarding where fault lies, however i will just say that at 20, he is old enough to know right from wrong. He should also be aware who the victim is and who is the one responsible. Lashing out at you for moving out is unacceptable. Perhaps you shouldn't have ignored his calls but ultimately he is old enough to know and understand how you may be feeling.

His siblings are also old enough to make decisions and they are clearly annoyed and disappointed with their brother for how he has treated you so inviting your DS on holiday when their is that much going on with your other DC too may not have gone down well. I don't blame you for not inviting him tbh.

You have been through a lot and needed time to recover and be around those who support you. You can and should deal with your eldest in a better way but i don't wholly blame you for not inviting him on holiday TBH.

He is very young, but old enough to know that you have not broken up the family by leaving his cheating father, his cheating father did that. Also, who does he think he is by telling you that you can't date again? Is there a misogynistic undertone? Being followed around by that attitude would not be my idea of a holiday either. It was unkind of your dd to invite the actual cheating father, but not the brother who ended up being collateral damage. Perhaps the two of you can spend a little time working on building back a relationship, and some therapy for just the two of you is important.

He is hurting from the marriage break up and processing it differently from the others. I think you were wrong to go quiet on him when he reached out. He may have taken your DH’s side out of loyalty because the others didn’t, not because he supported what he did. I know of a long married couple splitting up over an affair whose two sons took different sides, it turned out to be because the youngest felt bad that his father (guilty party) had no-one on his side. Both sons are on good terms with both parents now.

I think you need to be the bigger person here and treat him as you do the others. It will pay off in the long run.

This is terrible advice. He has been shunned by his own mother. She needs to take responsibility for how she has treated him as well. Yes, they need to talk and she needs to explain how he has hurt her. But she absolutely should not make their estrangement all his fault, and she definitely should not tell him she won't talk to him until he's apologized!

I think she’s talking about her son not her ex husband

I think what you did was quite cruel tbh. You’re his mum and yet you deliberately treated him different to his siblings by excluding him. Like you his whole world has been shattered. Your job imo is to bring him and his siblings together. When you and your ex are gone they will only have each other. I’m not saying I agree with the things he’s said because I don’t but he has reacted from an immature standpoint, unsurprisingly because at 20 he most likely is immature. IMO you’ve made the divide deeper than it had to be instead of trying to help him and his siblings heal.

Excluding him from the holiday? Ouch!

How far away did you move? Maybe it was more that he didn't want to move house and neighbourhood but you made it all about you and loyalties and then you actions reinforced that

I think your attitude is horrible. It's about you and you've been punishing him for not being on your side. Children should NEVER be put in a position to have to choose. What happens between their parents is not for them to hold.

Sorry OP, but shame on you.

You have pushed back on his attempts (prior to the holiday) to re-establish a relationship with you.

He may see being excluded from the holiday (did he know you were going away or has he found out on social media?)as really hurtful and the final push back.

I am not saying he is blameless in this but I think I would feel ganged up on and very hurt my mother was treating me like this.

When parents split, deciding who to 'pick' to live with is a total non-winner. No one is happy.

“Mama”?! That is hard core emotional blackmail.

Your son shouldn’t be punished for living with his dad. His comment was awful and he should apologise.
you shouldn’t facilitate the kids taking sides. You should have talked to him about the holiday and explained why he wasn’t invited or encouraged him and siblings to make amends

Really feel for all your dc...

I never wanted my kids to pick sides. But I won't lie, it stung. I expected a bit of loyalty, not because he owes me anything as his mother, but because his dad cheated on me and lied to my face for who knows how long. My eldest told me I was "breaking up the family" by leaving. That one really got me

Your behaviour shows clearly you did want them to take sides.

He is 20 but still immature and he is your child. Instead of helping him understand your point of view (which will be difficult because again, he's 20 and you're his parent - he probably still doesn't see you as an individual person), you've ignored him and taken his siblings on a holiday without even telling him, never mind inviting him. Stop punishing him for his fathers actions. He is still allowed to love his dad in spite of what was done to you. Explain to him how you're feeling but don't expect him to fully grasp it. Please don't blame him or keep pushing him away.

I think you need to make the effort to show him he is still loved. It won't be obvious to him given what has happened. I understand the divorce is not your fault but it wasn't his either.

You say you weren’t expecting him to choose sides, then immediately list a load of reasons you are disappointed he didn’t choose to live with you. And you went quiet on him.

You made him choose.

Not if that's what he calls her. Mine call me mamma and mummy. They would never call me mum.

He choose to stay in his family home. Can't blame him for that. You wanted him to pick sides which is awful.

I think you need to apologise and explain due to the recent issues you thought it was best that the two of you try and build a relationship without involving your siblings for now until all the emotions are less raw.

By default you have made him pick sides.

“You’re my son and I love you, but you’re an adult and are old enough to understand that me leaving your father didn’t break up our family - your father broke it the moment he started sleeping with another woman. He will always be your dad and I’m not asking you to choose between us, but I am asking you to stop punishing me for being unable to accept a marriage on those terms. At the moment I’m not dating anyone and have no interest in dating, I’m focused on healing from the pain and shock of discovering that the man I loved, trusted and thought I would spend my entire life with, turned out to be someone I didn’t even know. The man I married would have never dreamt of cheating on me and his family. One day, in the future, I may meet someone. If that happens, I’d expect you to treat them with the respect I’ll treat any partner of yours - but this isn’t a blended family situation. You’d never be sharing a house and they’d never have a parental role with you - you’re not a child. I know you’re struggling at the moment. I think we all are. If you’re open to it, I’d be interested in attending family counseling with you.”

The estrangment is due to the sons inappropriate comments and demands though and the family breakdown is solely the fathers fault
Until the son accepts that he has no right to dictate to his mother whether she can move on or not and his father broke up the family not his mother there's no chance of a meaningful relationship between mother and son.
He's 20 now and needs to grow up

I think you need to start from the place of no one (apart from ex) wants to be in this situation. Everyone has been hurt. 3 of your kids packed up and went with you. DS might have found it hard to walk away from home. All of your kids are individuals.
It's also true that your DS is worried about you moving on with someone else.
I don't think you were wrong to go on hols with the younger ones but you chose not to tell him. That i think was wrong.
In the circs maybe the best thing to do is talk to him. Explain that you are not choosing sides in his sibling group but that taking all of them would likely have ruined it for all
Plan to do something with him?

It’s due to the OP’s crap reaction to her 20 year olds behaviour.

This is such an uncomfortable read. You’ve excluded him for choosing to live his Dad which is an awful thing to put on your him.

Has it ever occurred to you he felt he had to stay as everyone else left? And then when you left home it didn’t feel like it did before so he blames you. Obviously you couldn’t stay due to your ex, but you could manage your relationship with him separately. I understand that the older you are, the harder it can be to understand your parents separating.