AIBU to not invite my 20 year old son on a trip with his siblings?

[vhydr]

Long one, sorry.

Back in March I found out my husband was having an affair with a much younger colleague. 26 years together. I was devastated, still am honestly. We have four kids my eldest is a son, 20, then a son, 19, then a daughter, 17, and my youngest, a daughter, 15. I moved out with the younger three. My eldest son chose to stay with his dad.

I never wanted my kids to pick sides. But I won't lie, it stung. I expected a bit of loyalty, not because he owes me anything as his mother, but because his dad cheated on me and lied to my face for who knows how long. My eldest told me I was "breaking up the family" by leaving. That one really got me.

My other son and both daughters are angry at their dad too, but they came with me and we've been doing okay. Therapy, lots of time together, dinners, days out. Financially we're fine, both high earners, so at least that's not a factor.
My eldest tried reaching out a few times and I'll admit I went quiet on him for a bit. I wasn't ignoring him out of hate, I was just raw.

Then my younger daughter graduated last month and she chose not to invite her eldest brother, she invited their dad instead. He was hurt, said something angry to her, it turned into a whole sibling blowup, his brother and sister ganged up on him. It's been tense since.

He's told me he doesn't think he'll ever be okay if I date or remarry one day. Says he wants nothing to do with a "blended family." I'm not seeing anyone, not looking to either, but that's clearly already a fault line with him.

Last week I took my younger son and two daughters away for the summer, posted a few photos. He saw them and texted "you could have invited me mama, but it's okay, I'm not your son anymore because your actions are making sure of that. I feel like I have no family and everyone hates me, I'm the outsider."

That gutted me. He's still my son and I love him. But he's also an adult who chose to stay with the parent who broke this family, and I didn't think to include him this time given where things stand with his sisters.

So, AIBU?

Of course you’ve expected your children to take sides, and significantly punished the one who picked wrong.

The OP moved out. The eldest satyed in the family home, This could be to do with not leaving the dad alone, or it could be that he didn't want to leave the pooerty, move away from his freinds, job, social life.

We don't fully know as the OP hasn't said

We also don't know what the father has said the to DS, or if he is manipulating him.
We do know that when the DS has tried to reconcile the OP has rebuffed him.

I don't hold the OP responsible for the exes actions, nor do I hold her responsible for teh DS's, but she should accept that by not acceptting her DS's atempt to close the space that is opening and by not inviting him on the holiday she is continuing to widen the gap.

As for whether the ex is still seeing the affair partner, we don't know as its not been said.

And beofre we start with moral outrage, the OP is most definately punishing the DS for not chosing what she considers to be the "right side".

They invited their dad ? And not him ? That’s some messed up shit. Feels like he’s become the scapegoat in all of this.

Agree.I am one of those mothers. My adult son had genuinely the best childhood a child could have yet when he got to the age of 19 he turned against me and since then has told anyone that will listen that he had a traumatic childhood and makes up lies about terrible things I did to him (all lies of course). He once accused me of doing something horrible to him, (which he knew was untrue), but when I denied doing it he said I was gaslighting him! Not seen him in 6 years and although very sad, at least I no longer have to take the abuse from him.

Probably more about the fact he’s acting like his mother is the one to blame here, not his cheating father.

He needs a reality check and some growing up to do. By 20 he should understand what his father did was devastating, not his mother’s reaction to it.

@Linetree my ex was terrible husband in many ways. Great dad and continues to be

it IS possible to be awful to your spouse while great to DCs and they should never be brought into the wrangling a if their parents relationship ( unless dv)

We don't know the timeline. Did he make the comments before or after his mother and siblings pushed him out. I think that would be interesting.

I agree, a timeline would be helpful (but overall I still think the son was way out of line in the things he said towards his mother).

If you think “almost narcissistic” is a diagnosis then okay, is it like being almost asthmatic or almost depressed or almost bi polar? I’m literally lmao at this. You should be replying to OP’s post not wading through other people’s opinions and splitting hairs with them. Jeeeez I know it’s hot, maybe you’re almost dehydrated 😂

Goodness.

This is so awfully tragic to read.

Unfortunately, he is a bad apple. Good riddance to him.

His behaviour is most distasteful, and he lacks judgement.

Let him stay with his beloved father.

I don’t think OP brought him into the wrangling - seems pretty clear to me that he took sides and after listening to his father for a while, decided that his mum was to blame for what his father did, and that as far as he’s concerned she’s not permitted to get on with her life. At 20 he should be able to understand the hurt his mum caused his dad and not come off like something from the manosphere.

Your post is assumption and projection.

We don't know what went on beyond what the OP has posted.