To be disappointed that my ds has decided not to go to uni.

[Fearandanxiety]

Ds is 19 years old and has been on a GAP year and has worked full time in a pub and had a few holidays. He has a place at uni starting this September to study business management. He has started to get cold feet and said it was due to the amount of debt he would get from being at uni, but I think his girlfriend has been putting pressure on him not to go. My parents have offered to pay his tuition fees which is incredibly generous but he has decided today not to go. He has no alternative long term plan and I’m trying hard to hide how disappointed I am. I really think he has a fantastic opportunity and I feel sad that his girlfriend has persuaded him not to go. She isn’t academic and is content for them to carry on working locally and move into together. Aibu?

It could be a smart move on your son's part. He needs a plan though.

Interested to know why you think I could be a smart move, especially as he would have his tuition fees paid.

It’s crap. But he’s young. Hopefully they break up, and he figures out what he actually wants to do.

If he has the chance to go to uni debt free and isn't taking it then he is very foolish. Would his uni take him far away? Could he not re-apply at a closer uni?

Then again I went back into education as an adult and it was a lot more fylfilling the second time around, when i was older and wiser! I would give him another year but maybe he is hoping for the gift from his grandparents in money form. For a house or something. Maybe that is why he is refusing

Yanbu but there’s nothing you can do about it.

Instead of going to uni I have gone an awful long way around things in my career, I could have earnt a lot more overall if I had a degree.

Of my DC, one went to uni and decided to discontinue, I was fine with that as it’s an informed decision.

The other is partway through.

Both know that I will always do whatever I can to help fund their career building. I wish my parents had done the same. If you can afford to, let your DC know that if they change their mind in years to come, you will still help them.

It’s fine for him not to want to go. As long as it’s for the right reasons, and no pressure from others. All you can do is hide your feelings, the more you push back the more he won’t go.

Good idea but he does need a work plan
he can save money now it’s good

he would have other debts as well wouldn’t he or would you pay it all

lots of other career choices

I was your son (albeit a female version). I went at 23yrs old and got so much more out of it.

If I’d gone at 18/19, I’d have ballsed it up and scraped a Third if I was lucky. Probably would have been kicked out for partying and delivering zero essays.

I got a First.

Keep the faith!

ETA: I did work… McJobs for a while and then a decent job as a PA and that was enough to make me realise I wanted to be the one making the decisions and not enacting them. Off to university I went!

Because university isn't the be all of everything.
There are so many other opportunities for young people to engage in and your son is only 19.
He can revisit University later if he wants to.
Too many young people are graduating with no opportunity for associated employment.
Celebrate your son, uni can be at another time.

I think this is a very good point. If he went now, while he’s not really inclined, he may well waste the opportunity completely. He’s young and I strongly suspect he will eventually decide to go.

Normally, I'd agree avoiding uni if you've got a job isn't a bad idea these days, yes in the past it got you a better one, now you're just applying for MW jobs later than your peers and they're your managers because they didn't take 3 years out.
But if he'd have got it for free, that's different, because sometimes, it still helps career wise (depending what you study), and there are other opportunities at uni I'm glad I got. It wasn't so expensive when I went, and back then I knew it would help me get the kind of job I wanted.

How many university graduates are unemployed or in low skilled jobs as they can't get a job in their chosen field. He has a full time job he's doing better then a lot his age. When i hear of young people going to uni getting into massive debt to study things like media studies or criminology its just like their delaying growing up. My dd has just turned 20 didn't go to uni works full time own her own home and is very happy. If she was at uni and didn't want to be there what would she gain from that.

If he’s not committed to the course he’s not going to achieve his potential even if he goes. There’s also no age limit for attending university. I’d therefore be supportive of his decision and give him the time and space to decide what he wants to do next, in the hope that if he wants to pursue a career where he would benefit from a degree he will attend later down the line. I say this as someone that dropped out after the first year and went back to study a course I was passionate about a few years down the line.

I would let him move out. Give him minimal support (a welcome in parcel of some flowers and chocolates) and leave him to it. My parents did this. I happily went to uni aged 21 after some fun but chaotic years

Neither of my kids went to uni. They both got jobs and the time it takes to bat a degree they were earning similar salaries to new graduates but with no debt to pay back.
Degrees are only worth the cost if they lead directly to a job. Many don’t.

Also drill into him to take responsibility for his own contraception. Every time.

If he doesn’t want to go, I would expect him to become self supporting. Let him feel what life is really like without more education.

I wouldn't want my child to go to university these days unless they really wanted to study something. It's not worth the debt/ delay in starting earning

He can still go in a year or two's time.

Let it play out.

Let him find his path. He’ll have dodged a bullet not going to uni with the poor job prospects and massive debt. Tell him to sign onto the bank of the local hospital/council and move around covering the absences of permanent staff. They are always looking for people. He’ll get a good idea of the different job roles there are out there. Many of them leading to management roles if he applies himself. Business management is one of the areas where on the job training is much more useful than anything he’ll learn at uni trust me. They will also pay for his exams if he’s promising

Apprenticeship all the way, get paid and gain more work experience. The job market is awful experience counts so much more these days.

I think he’s doing the right thing. It doesn’t sound like he’s that interested. Business Management isn’t really a vocational role that will give him broad options. Everyone I know who is in that line of work has degrees in maths, science, or engineering. Maybe give him the money for a house deposit instead?

Why don't you just suggest he asks to postpone it for a year? Gap years can be really great and it might help him realise he'd like to go to uni after all. Alternatively I'd be encouraging him to find an apprenticeship with day release to uni. That way he can avoid the uni costs. Not going to uni at 19 isn't the end of the world.

Which uni?

@SnozPoz he’s just had a gap year.