To be disappointed that my ds has decided not to go to uni.

[Fearandanxiety]

Ds is 19 years old and has been on a GAP year and has worked full time in a pub and had a few holidays. He has a place at uni starting this September to study business management. He has started to get cold feet and said it was due to the amount of debt he would get from being at uni, but I think his girlfriend has been putting pressure on him not to go. My parents have offered to pay his tuition fees which is incredibly generous but he has decided today not to go. He has no alternative long term plan and I’m trying hard to hide how disappointed I am. I really think he has a fantastic opportunity and I feel sad that his girlfriend has persuaded him not to go. She isn’t academic and is content for them to carry on working locally and move into together. Aibu?

Me and my husband didn’t go to uni, he’s worked full time since he was 16 and me from the age of 19, I’m actually in a job that usually would require a degree! Our only debt is our mortgage and a car that’s paid off this time next year. Why are you blaming his GF? A woman is not responsible for a man’s actions. This is on your son, not her 🙄 as long as he has a plan in place, then let him crack on.

Does he have to go to university straightaway?

I think this rush from school to gap year to university can be an error. Lots to be said for taking time and working and finding out what you don’t like.

What I'm saying is that OP needs to find out what her DS's girlfriend is putting into his head & why.
Just because DS decides he's going to Uni it doesn't automatically mean the end of their relationship, hence if a relationship is meant to be it will survive him going to Uni regardless of what he does or where he goes.

This isn't about the pros and cons of University, which most of the replies are geared towards. This is about a gf dissuading her bf from pursuing a potentially life changing opportunity. Why exactly does she not want him to go? Also, what plans does your son have, if he is no longer going to uni? If he is not truly interested in business, that's fine and honestly, he should only do a subject that he is passionate about. But not having an plan or a goal, is also not good at his age as he can easily become aimless. He is too young to be moving in, especially if his gf is also not ambitious. Be honest about your thoughts, you are his parent. You have a right to guide him.

I think he sounds sensible. I know several people who did it to keep parents happy and most of them dropped out or scraped thirds and in one case went back and got a second (more serious degree) with savings + commercial debt.

Going and hating it is the worst of all worlds.

And as for you parents offering to pay and this being his only chance I think that’s a bit shit. Sorry but it is, why now or nothing? If he did a few years working and realised that he wanted to go in three years when he was more motivated and more likely to succeed they wouldn’t support him then? Seems like a lot of pressure for something he clearly doesn’t want to do!

Is that what is called a Mickey Mouse degree

I get he doesn't want to be in debt with it. He probably feels by going he'll be forever in debt with his grand parents. Going to uni might not even make him happy. His long term goals may have changed. If he changes his mind about uni he could go at a later date. Plenty of people do

The degree seems a bit broad and not leading to any specific career. It’s his choice, doesn’t mean you can’t be disappointed. My brother chose not to go due to a girl, became a father at 20 and at 50 plus is in a dead end job.

@Fearandanxiety I wouldn't worry at this stage. I agree with other posters that he needs a plan though.

I didn't go to university and it didn't stop me getting to a high earning job. I have done a degree since, and am on my second masters, but mainly for my own interest now.

Uni doesn't guarantee a good job or a sense of purpose. Nor is it a one off opportunity. Tell him that if he's not studying he will need to pay his way, and let him work out what he wants to do instead.

What would he feasibly do with a business management degree? I understand your disappointment at him potentially being swayed by his GF, but it doesn’t sound like he has much of a plan atm. Without the right motivation he’s at risk off dropping out or spending 3 years doing something with little gain at the end if he doesn’t utilise appropriately. His heart doesn’t sound in it. I don’t think it’s too bad a thing to take some time out to consider more carefully.

Honestly it is a smart move not to attend a Business Management degree. They’re worthless.

Yanbu because I'm guessing that your worry is your ds not maximising his potential.
If that is due to someone else's influence ( who may not be around in a year or two) most parents would worry about that.
But it isn't now or never. He may change his mind in a year or two. University will still be there.
Has he considered degree apprenticeships. They are more competitive than university but worth a look.

He should learn a trade. Plumbers, electricians etc will never be out if work.

Even with the tuition fees being paid, if he is moving away there are still all the other costs of living away.
Where did you see the degree going? If he isn't that interested in it then I think he is better off continuing to work and perhaps find a job where there are likely to be promotions.

So much blame on the girlfriend here! He’s an adult that’s made a decision about what he wants to do next. His choice.

I thought this when my friends ds did one and he is starting a graduate scheme next month with an entry salary of 45k.

This.

Does he imagine a job in hospitality will pay half of a mortgage & bills, living expenses and a pension.

He’s still young (and foolish). Start charging him a contribution towards his food and bills. Hopefully financial reality will get through to him that he needs to improve his earnings potential if he is to have a comfortable life.

That must be tough, especially if you feel he’s wasting an opportunity. My life took off when I went to uni - I loved my course but it was also a whole new world in terms of friendships, ideas, possibilities. I’d like the same for my kids but I do know the financial burden is much greater now and sadly a uni degree doesn’t always lead to a good job. Ultimately our kids have to find their own path, whatever it may be and despite what we wish for them.

Just by the by, if your son does go, your parents’ money would probably be better spent contributing towards a house deposit or putting it into a savings account for your son. A student loan may never be repaid if your son doesn’t reach the income threshold for example, whereas putting the money towards a house gives a guaranteed saving on the mortgage interest.

I am not sure why you are hiding your feelings about it op, have you had a straight forward conversation with him? Told him his career options are going to be limited by without a degree? Sit down and show him the disparity in salaries in the long term. What was original plan? Is he academic? What is his new plan?

Don't be passive just because he is an 'adult' - they need a lot of guidance at this age. It could just be nerves/pressure/uncertainty.

Both my DD’s went to Uni but the courses they did were very specific and they would be unable to their job without the degree. My nephew did business and finance and has not been able to get a job a year later, he applied for so many but has no experience so is always unsuccessful. He’s now doing a non related job that he didn’t need a degree for. A few of his friends didn’t go to uni and worked their way up and are now out earning him.

I would be disappointed too. More so because he doesn’t have an alternative plan.

Going to uni really isn’t the only option for young adults but I agree with the previous poster that it’s better than drifting - especially as there is an offer from his grandparents to pay his fees.

Ultimately it’s his decision. But I would be worried that he’s making the decision for the wrong reason.

Could you encourage him to consider an alternative vocational degree?

@LondonPapa My business degree has just seen me through 40 years of an international career earning three times average income….so not so worthless after all.

And to those saying it worked out for me and we managed to buy a house etc, it is going to be a very different world in five years time, and the job market today is ruthless. I wouldn't want any of my dc ending up in minimum wage jobs - how on earth will they ever survive long term. I can see why op is concerned, but yes the type of degree and university are fundamental to the chances of success.

Is he a straight A student studying a prestigious course at a prestigious university? If so, great, go for it. If he’s scraping B’s and C’s and attending an ex-poly dive of a uni, then of course he’s right not to go.