To be disappointed that my ds has decided not to go to uni.

[Fearandanxiety]

Ds is 19 years old and has been on a GAP year and has worked full time in a pub and had a few holidays. He has a place at uni starting this September to study business management. He has started to get cold feet and said it was due to the amount of debt he would get from being at uni, but I think his girlfriend has been putting pressure on him not to go. My parents have offered to pay his tuition fees which is incredibly generous but he has decided today not to go. He has no alternative long term plan and I’m trying hard to hide how disappointed I am. I really think he has a fantastic opportunity and I feel sad that his girlfriend has persuaded him not to go. She isn’t academic and is content for them to carry on working locally and move into together. Aibu?

Debt-free? He’d still have his living costs to pay…

The problem is that the job market being awful makes the apprenticeship market awful too. There just aren't enough of them. The degree apprenticeships are like hens teeth and are not for kids who have failed their Gcses. They are often so rare that they can pick and choose from hundreds of A grade students. The L2 and 3 trade apprenticeships are difficult to get too as many electricians/plumbers etc are self employed and can't take on an apprentice. Not to mention not everyone can or wants to do construction!

Get him to postpone the year and keep his place.

They might break up over the next year or he may not like the world of work. Either way keeping the place is a good idea.

Uni isn't the be all and end all, but it's better than just drifting. He needs a plan. What does he want to do for work? How does he envisage his future? What would he need to do to get the kind of job that pays enough to enable him to live the lifestyle he wants to live?

Make it clear that he has to have a plan, and he cannot just stay in your house forever working part time or whatever he does just now. Talk to him about the cost of supporting yourself and a family, if that's what he would like one day.
It's all too easy for young people to drift into a dead end job and struggle financially, wishing they had made different choices when they left school.

I’d be disappointed too OP, especially if his reasons were his girlfriend and cold feet. If he had something else he particularly wanted to do, that would be different. But it sounds as if he just can’t be bothered.

I remember when DS1 was slacking a bit in 6th form, and muttering about maybe not going to uni, I said that was fine, but he needed an alternative. As long as he was in education (uni, apprenticeship etc) , then I’d support him financially. But if he wasn’t , then he’d have to get a job and pay his way.

It’s important that teens learn that if they’re abandoning any kind of education/training, then the alternative is working and paying their way. Living the life of a student whilst not a student is not an option.

Well, he needs a plan B but the not going to University is fine - I went and have a professional job but if I was a young person now, I’m not sure I would.

This, with bells on. This situation has baby trap written all over it.

@BDSMMommyIFuckAssWithStrapOn How very different to the home life of our own late Queen.

This is true. Someone in my family di a degree apprenticeship after dropping out of uni in the second year. He was a straight A student, as were the others recruited by his company at the same time. They were all older than school leavers too.
Gone are the days when kids could leave school at 16 with no academic qualifications and pick an apprenticeship to do. Employers can take their pick now.

@FearandanxietyThe smart move would be for his grandparents to give him the £30,000 they would have spent on the fees. At least he would have a house deposit in a cheap area.

Do you, or DS know how loans for university work? The amount paid back every month depends on what you earn, not what you borrow. So if he didn’t earn much he would pay next to nothing back. If he borrowed the maintenance loan, but not the tuition fee loan, his repayments are EXACTLY the same each month. So he’s not better off every month by having fees paid.

What he might be able to do now is get an apprenticeship. You also need to realise many grads are doing basic level jobs with a degree and the loans are never paid back. I assume he doesn’t know this if he’s saying he’s risk averse in terms of the loan. Of course he might get an amazing job and be a high earner. He will still pay based on earnings, not size of loan. In those circumstances the £30,000 would be even better as a house deposit.

It’s all down to which uni and what career he could have got. Top elite uni - he should go.and take the maintenance and fee loan. Second division or lower, can he get the same job with no degree and could he work his way up? He can do a degree later or via an apprenticeship if he’s talented enough. The £30,000 is better used as a house deposit if he becomes a decent earner. It’s wasted if he gets a degree and a very basic job paying very little in loan repayments. The £30,000 is thrown away.

I think his girlfriend has been putting pressure on him not to go.

This is the part that rings alarm bells with me. If he personally doesn't want to go, fine, but not going because his girlfriend has persuaded him not to go isn't a good reason.

I'd talk to him about what his plans/ambitions are, he needs to be sure that he's doing what he wants, not what his gf wants. One of my uni friends met her eventual husband in her teens and he didn't persuade her not to go to university; he was v. supportive.

How is studying business management a fantastic opportunity?

Does he want to run a business?

Business management isn't just for people who want to run businesses.
University isn't just about attending lectures and writing essays. You learn a damn sight more about life than you do in your chosen subject.

Business tends to be one of the degrees with the least benefit for future employment prospects and salaries, so he may have made the right choice, though possibly for the wrong reasons, if it is all to do with his girlfriend.

Now he has made the decision, the main thing is to encourage him to come up with an alternative long-term plan for his future: apprenticeship, entry-level job in a sector he is interested in, some other kind of college course (full or part time), work for a while to save up and travel/do a working holiday. Just don't let him drift along in a dead-end job!

I would find out more about the girlfriend putting ideas in his head.
If a relationship is meant to be it will survive university.

Personally I think a Business Management degree isn't a good subject unless it's studied at a good university such as Warwick, LSE or another top uni with excellent graduation destinations,

@ScarletLisa Yes, the degree might not be the right fit, but being talked into not leaving his home town by his gf isn't good either.

Uni is often a waste of money unless you’re picking something very specific that always has available jobs. Business management…why? He already has a job, just as likely to work your way up in any establishment over time than you are to skip the line with a degree. And once you’ve been a manager in one you can be one in another.

Might be a useful course if he had something he wanted to start up himself tbf, but he could get a book or two and skip all the years of study for that.

I think he’s doing the right thing, coming from someone who wishes they’d never bothered with uni tbf so Im probably biased. But I left without any debt and it still wasn’t worth the effort.

Good on him for not blindly following the masses. Let’s be real, a hot girlfriend and a steady bar job at 19 is probably going to be up there with the best years of anyone’s life. …switch it for exams and no guarantee of a better job? Hahaha no thanks.

I don’t think it’s wrong to discuss your worries; poor job options in the future, “settling” too early etc.
I’d try and find some middle ground such as part time studies taking useful courses.

Id be more worried about the moving in with a partner than not going to uni tbh (I'm v anti tying self to one person too young). Maybe he'll decide to go given a few years. Or maybe he'll start to do work with some good progression opportunities, in which case , uni isnt needed.

Uni isn’t everything. I know loads of people who are working minimum wage jobs 5 years after graduating. The most successful person in my school year went into work as an apprentice. She was able to fully retire at age 50.

going to uni for a generic degree is fairly pointless in my opinion. I know lots of my daughters friends who graduated last year are doing the same types of jobs she did 3 years ago and she is now earning more than them because she has experience they sonr have. if you plan to be a doctor or a nurse or something that requires a specific degree then that’s different but otherwise I don’t think it’s worth it. he can always go to uni later on too.

Uni is not what it once was. There are loads of jobs now where having a degree is really not necessary and it is just a massive waste of money. My DH works in tech and most of their new starters don’t have degrees

Well my eldest DC is 25 has a 1st in a sci subject from top uni and a distinction in a masters in law. She's earning 34k. DC 2 is 24 didn't go to uni and is making 100k, hasn't capped out and owns his own home with none of the debt DC 1 has. If your ds is driven it could be the best decision he's made.

If I were in the uk I'd only encourage my children to go to uni if a specific degree is needed for their planned career e.g. doctor (which is DD's current plan). In my country where uni is free I'd also encourage it if very academic so would really get something out of the studying and learning and exchange of ideas. I wouldn't recommend it just because it seems like the next step after school, better to avoid debt if possible.

Definitely tell your son he needs to make a career plan and figure out what steps he needs to take next.

If it’s any consolation me and my DH have been together since I was 16. I did the traditional college, uni route. He did 1 year at college and dropped out and worked on a bar, his mum and dad were devastated. He’s far succeeded me in his career, doubles my wage with much better working conditions.

It might just work out in the end