To be disappointed that my ds has decided not to go to uni.

[Fearandanxiety]

Ds is 19 years old and has been on a GAP year and has worked full time in a pub and had a few holidays. He has a place at uni starting this September to study business management. He has started to get cold feet and said it was due to the amount of debt he would get from being at uni, but I think his girlfriend has been putting pressure on him not to go. My parents have offered to pay his tuition fees which is incredibly generous but he has decided today not to go. He has no alternative long term plan and I’m trying hard to hide how disappointed I am. I really think he has a fantastic opportunity and I feel sad that his girlfriend has persuaded him not to go. She isn’t academic and is content for them to carry on working locally and move into together. Aibu?

There’s every chance that after 3 years of his course he still won’t have a plan if he’s that type of child. I had my 4 years at uni, finished over 30 yrs ago and still don’t quite know what I want to do…in the meantime I’m doing my bit to teach youngsters and I’ve taught thousands of your kids over the last 25 yrs - some in SEN schools, some in FE college, some in prisons, most in mainstream secondary. Fascinating to see the links between parental support, expectations and outcomes over the years. So many threads on here with ready-to-be-disappointed parents this week.

Colleagues daughter got a degree in history and philosophy a year ago. She's working full time in a pub as she can't get a job. You're son is doing that without the additional debt.

I'm baffled as to why my colleagues daughter has now started an MA in history and philosophy. She couldn't get a job with the undergraduate in it.And now she's throwing good money after bad on a postgraduate in the same discipline. It's happened, I suppose, but it's a hell of a waste of money.

My parents probably thought the reason I didn't go was my boyfriend.

It wasn't. I just could not stand another year of studying. I was not interested in the least.

I finally went at age 32 but only because I was too ill to continue in my chosen career.

It sounds to me like your son never really wanted to go to Uni, if it was business management he was to study.

Do you think you were pushing him too much? He also took a gap year out which should have given you a hint.

With AI coming in, business management will be needed even less. These are always the jobs that go straight away during redundancies and top jobs go to those with experience.

I would ask him what his plan is, at the very least he can start an apprenticeship somewhere.

He will get three years head start on everyone else and won’t come out with huge debt. Even if grandparents are paying tuition, surely he’ll have to take a loan for accommodation etc?

Depends what he’s going to do instead such as degree apprenticeship, look for a junior role etc. He can go to uni later, even a couple of years won’t make a difference (my DS’s best friend in his course was 10 years older than him). It has to be his decision though, not his GF’s.

I would say these days going to uni isn’t the be all and end all. Both my DC went - one is def not working in a grad job(!) and the other who has just graduated is looking for work but in a bit of a half-arsed manner. However, his degree will get him places eventually, not sure about DD’s.

The white goods engineer fixing my washing machine was saying just last week he clears easily 40k and gets the chance to do overtime if he wants it, the engineers gas registered are on at least 50k often more for what they're doing....He's with a large company well known in the UK. He said they're currently taking on apprentices right now.

How refreshing to hear a 19 yr old not being succoured into the university dept trap. I’d be proud of him, not disappointed
As for business managment, that’s as much use as a chocolate teapot.

I didn't go to uni and I've got a good job full time. My brother went to uni late around 24 years old and has done well for himself. Uni isn't for everyone and most uni students I know personally have done nothing with their degree and have a huge amount of debt

University is not for everyone.

It may not be for him now and he could, like many of my colleagues get a career first and get a degree throgh work.

Neither of my sons went to University, although one of them showed an interest when he ws around 14. However they are much more advanced in their careers in terms of position at work, lifestyle and finances than the majority of their peers.

The difference between them and ops son is they both had a plan.

Op, your son is a man, let him make his own mind up. To be fair, there are worse decisions he could be making in life!

What an absolute waste of resources. She'd be better off doing an apprenticeship and gaining a qualification that leads to a career she can do on completion.

Not if his heart isn’t in it. If he begrudgingly goes because he feels pressure to do so chances are he will become another drop out. It’s a very privileged view to be able to look at uni as just being a life experience, most people need to be able to grab it by the horns to make it worth the investment. I appreciate he’s got grandparents paying it for him but if struggles and chooses to leave that could do a lot to damage self esteem, he may not feel able to go again if he figures out what he does want. There is no rush, he doesn’t sound ready to go, university is not going anywhere. I think he will have a much better chance of success if he goes when he wants to go.

He sounds sensible. Too many graduates are out of work now.

I guess some people value education.

DH is friends with someone who worked many years with a well known company linked to the transport industry for years and he did his degree through the company and has no debt in the process. He just graduated last year. His adult children were in the photo with him on his graduation day.

Played the long game, but this is the smart way to do it.

He can always go to university later on if he feels the need to.

Nothing wrong with wanting to work for a while.

It does not sound like he was that interested or committed to his course anyway so there is no point in doing something just for the sake of it.

Maybe your parents could put the money they wanted to give him in a saving account for now with the intention of gifting it to him once he is more certain of what he wants to do. That could help him start a business or pay for a house deposit or go to university when he is a bit older.

So many graduates these days can't find a decent job or are unemployed.

Unless you want to be in specific profession that truly requires a university degree (healthcare, law, academia...) then I don't think it is the best route for many young people.

Business management is a bit vague anyway. He can learn about this by managing a pub!

the not going to uni wouldn’t concern me - the lack of an alternative plan would. Uni isn’t necessarily for everyone and there are alternatives.

My DS has done one year of uni and decided it’s not for him. He’s sorted out a mechanics apprenticeship by himself - visited the college and signed up, went to loads of garages to hand in his CV until he got an interview and was accepted. I kind of expected people (grandparents, and me tbh) to be disappointed as we are a pretty academic family but everyone is really happy for him. He’s clever enough but just done with sitting at a desk type learning and he wants to earn some money! He’s a hard worker, and found the whole student lifestyle very boring and skivey tbh (he was doing languages and business).

we aren’t in the UK, so I do get that it’s disappointing your son won’t take up an offer of fees being paid - maybe he’ll change his mind later.

I voted YABU as university isn’t the be all and end all. I didn’t go to university and I’m doing very well for myself. I had the opportunity to but I wanted to go out into the world, make money and establish a career.
The people I know who have university degrees don’t use them and were paying the debt off for years.
However, the fact his fees will be paid and he still doesn’t want to go is strange. Could it be the choice of degree? He can always go later in life if he changes his mind.
As other posters have said, he needs a plan and can’t doss around for years. Help him find something he wants to do.

Exactly. He's got a mind of his own and choosing to not go. The OP should be proud of him for finding his own path. She needs to support him on his journey not feel disappointed.

Yes not a great degree in this day and age. Experience matters more.

Most 21 year old graduates can’t manage their way out of a paper bag so that degree would be useless. He’s working which is experience.

If he doesn’t know what he wants to do, he won’t know which course to choose anyway? Or even if he would need a degree?

So many people spend years getting degrees they never use - I can see why you’d think getting it all paid for is an unmissable opportunity but also I think “gifts” like this tend to backfire as people don’t appreciate what they haven’t earned. He could accept the offer then spend 3 years on a piss up with his mates and come out with no more idea of what he wants to do with his life.

Yeah of course. He should do that whether or not he is interested in it or skilled at it.

University Careers adviser of 20 years here so can give a perspective.

Its very easy to be dismissive of a uni education - the current debt system needs to be burnt to the ground and re built as it’s not working for either graduates or universities.

But I speak to recruiters every day and most still value the depth of skills that graduates develop- the subject knowledge, the critical thinking skills etc. AI is changing the workplace but for many employers it’s more that they expect the grads to be AI literate and use it in the workplace rather than replacing roles with it totally.

The U.K. still has some of the best universities in the world - I think this idea and current narrative that education isn’t worth it is totally depressing - and it’s why the current finance system needs looking at - it’s still an extraordinary privilege to learn a topic in depth for 3 years and it still is an experience for most young people that is a valuable bridge to adulthood.

An educated population is a good thing!

And has he always wanted to go to uni? Or you putting pressure on him to go?

It sounds like you're pressuring him to go and she's pressuring him not to go.

Maybe he wants to work it out for himself.

Even with the tuition fees paid there is still rent / food / clothes / general living to pay for.