My brother was horrid to me last night

[youdeserveit]

I’m keeping this slightly vague as it would be very outing if a select few people read it!

I have a brother who is significantly older than I am. My existence has always been a sore point for him.

I saw him yesterday and in the space of about three hours he was just absolutely vile to me:

• I’m non clinical in the NHS. He thinks that “people like me” are the reason the NHS is “fucked” - because I’m taking ten days holiday. It was really quite nasty, he went on and on about how it shouldn’t be allowed, how people in the public sector are lazy and don’t want to work. Never mind that he’s off on a three week holiday in December!
• I live at home. He called me a “freeloading piece of shit” because I’m not paying £1,000 a month rent. He lived at home until a similar age, and when he did move out he moved into a friend’s house where he paid for bills and food only. I have had a discussion with my parents today and they have reassured me that they do not feel this way.
• He said he thinks it’s “utterly pathetic” that I travel alone. He thinks I should grow up and, in his words, “find a man” to travel with.

AIBU to just not want to see him again any time soon? I found it really hurtful. I do struggle sometimes with feeling a little insecure about my position in life, but I also have to reflect on the fact that the economy is not easy right now and I know that all of my friends are in the same situation.

nope. it can be stopped by shutting the gobface down. The OP's Dad was wild about it too.

It is emotional abuse, there are several types of abuse:
Emotional/Psychological Abuse

• Characterized by behaviors that cause psychological harm.
• Indicators include:
• Isolation from friends and family
• Intimidation or verbal abuse
• Persistent criticism or humiliation

A verbally and emotionally abusive rant.

No I’d not class it as abuse as he’s not hitting me is he?!

one day if your daughter says her husband is talking to her like your brother talks to you and she thinks she needs to leave will you tell her not to, because being pulled apart emotionally by somebody is just ranting? Our mouths can be weapons as much as our hands. Think about it. All abuse is emotional. If your brother slapped you in the face it’s the damage to your emotional landscape that will stay with you. The physical damage is gone quite quickly but it’s the knowledge that you can’t trust him and you’re not safe with him. Your brother beats you up psychologically.

I’ve got 3 sisters and a brother. 2 of my sisters I have nothing to do with. No guilt. They are unkind, racist, smallminded little people. Why would I have them in my life? Go NC and feel no regrets.

And you really believe that? Really!?

My brother would NEVER and has never spoken to me like that and he's by no means perfect.

The only thing he would object to is me travelling alone,he is 10 years older and still sees me as a teenager in some ways I think (late 30s,mum of 2).

OP I know that you probably want to be close to him, don’t waste anymore time.
We were close siblings x 5, my Dbro always picked on me because I was a cryer, a sensitive child to his insults. He adored my younger Dsis.

He played off us.

I have never said this on here, he is still a bollox now. Last year I went low contact, not that he’d notice but I’m not tolerating his rudeness anymore.
I am 46, don’t waste another decade or two before going low contact. I still see him at Christmas, I stay sober and polite.
He makes me feel like that sensitive child again. He has no self awareness.

I suspect he is wondering what happens if and when dad dies ? And where OP is living could very much become his business.

OP has said Dad is not in the best of health.
This is all about what comes next…..

So you're willing to be bullied by this twat just so "my parents aren't upset"? Stand up for yourself for goodness sake.

Haven't you posted about this lovely brother before?

What did he say when you replied with oh do fuck off?

Yikes, hopefully you don't work in a patient-facing role, because if you do, you urgently need to re-do your safeguarding training.

You don't really think this, do you?

He sounds frustrated at life and taking it out on you.

• ^He said he thinks it’s “utterly pathetic” that I travel alone. He thinks I should grow up and, in his words, “find a man” to travel with.

He's pathetic. I love travelling solo. It's great.

Sorry you have to put up with such a wanker for a brother OP. Just ignore him.

You sound lovely and caring. I think some people are just
confrontation avoidant. I’m one and get it.

The only way to avoid confrontation with brother is to not be around him. Your parents know why. Don’t give in to thst.

It sounds as if that old trouble maker alcohol had something to do with the interaction though. Just making it idiotic and confrontational for the sake of it. If you had said you were travelling with a male companion brother would have said you were pathetic for not having the balls to go alone.

Most people's jobs are not a walk in the park. And most of them don't come with the fantastically cushy pension scheme NHS non-clinical staff get, either.

However, I'm not arguing with you. I was responding to someone else's comment which specifically mentioned working in risky environments with tricky patients, saving lives. I was just making the point that being an NHS employee doesn't necessarily mean any of those things. In fact for roughly half of all NHS employees it doesn't mean any of those things. The 'non-coal face' administrative side of the NHS is absolutely vast.

I would print this out, show it to your parents, then send it to him!
Bloody nasty man.

He’s hitting you with his words.
His words are designed to deliberately upset you, injure your self esteem. He takes pleasure from taunting you. He hits you with his words where it hurts most. He is an abuser. You are an easy willing target and he’s an abuser.

You admit you found it hurtful.
You admit he was vile for three hours.
You admit he was horrid
You admit he resents your existence.

Because you can’t recognise abuse when it’s happening to you, it seems to me that you’ve somehow been conditioned to be a good girl and put up with it. You are in denial about how serious this is for you.
It is damaging for you, please wake up to that.

Dig deep OP and take a small step towards recognising his treatment of you for what it is. Abuse.
Then think about doing something about it to break the pattern.
You owe that to yourself and to your any future relationships.

You have had so much good advice here, but you are still reading it with blinkers on and still finding excuses …even to the point of defending him that it was not abuse, just a rant.
It was a very personal rant designed fir you OP. He enjoys having a go at you. That’s abuse.
For three hours you let him, and didn’t stand up for yourself.
Please find the strength not to let it happen again.

I did challenge when I was younger, but with no one else saying anything. Eventually Mum asked me to stop, and it’s her sibling, so I do what she asked, because she’s my Mum. But that’s the point. Op is behaving like my mum wanting to keep the peace at any price and from experience, those who love her will comply with her wishes because they love her, and nothing will get better. If Mum wasn’t around, Dad my sibling and I would already be NC with that sibling.

I wouldn’t want to do my non-clinical colleagues jobs. They are the ones who face abuse and complaints day in, day out, on shit salaries, and with none of the gratitude that we usually get as clinical staff. If we need to move things around or let patients down due to sickness or whatever, they are the ones who have to call around and take it in the neck. They are the ones communicating and dealing with whatever shit new policy or system the higher ups have ‘innovated’ this week.

Just because other jobs have terrible pensions, doesn’t mean that those who have vaguely acceptable pensions don’t deserve them.

Please google Domestic Abuse Act 2021 which gives the long definition of DA and much more. DA is not just physical. NHS usually run good safeguarding training on this issue and as you are employed by them it would be available for you.

Are you her brother? 🤣

It won’t stop if she moves out - he has launched a campaign against her - maybe to discredit her to their parents because he wants a clear path to taking the house for himself.

Maybe he’s just a nasty f.. who enjoys picking on women.

Abuse comes in many forms other than physical violence: sexual, emotional, verbal, financial. Racism, sexism etc. Neglect (when the victim is dependent on the abuser, eg a child). Again: would you tolerate it from anyone you didn't feel obliged to keep seeing for the sake of the other family members? Would you sit back and ignore it if someone at your workplace was talking to someone else in the office like that? Would you tell a friend it was ok if her partner spoke to her like that? It's not ok.

Nothing a misogynist arsehole hates more than a woman who doesn't arrange her entire life around men. Ick.

I just hate confrontation and would do anything to avoid it, I mean, that is a classic peacekeeper attitude!

Your dad's health situation is obviously a concern for you though, so I do understand wanting to avoid him getting worked up. It's not up to you to control him but at the same time, if he wasn't even there when it happened, you presumably had to have told him and I can see why that makes you feel responsible.

I would tell your parents you're avoiding your brother from now on (and ask they just let you know when he's invited round) and do it.