My brother was horrid to me last night

[youdeserveit]

I’m keeping this slightly vague as it would be very outing if a select few people read it!

I have a brother who is significantly older than I am. My existence has always been a sore point for him.

I saw him yesterday and in the space of about three hours he was just absolutely vile to me:

• I’m non clinical in the NHS. He thinks that “people like me” are the reason the NHS is “fucked” - because I’m taking ten days holiday. It was really quite nasty, he went on and on about how it shouldn’t be allowed, how people in the public sector are lazy and don’t want to work. Never mind that he’s off on a three week holiday in December!
• I live at home. He called me a “freeloading piece of shit” because I’m not paying £1,000 a month rent. He lived at home until a similar age, and when he did move out he moved into a friend’s house where he paid for bills and food only. I have had a discussion with my parents today and they have reassured me that they do not feel this way.
• He said he thinks it’s “utterly pathetic” that I travel alone. He thinks I should grow up and, in his words, “find a man” to travel with.

AIBU to just not want to see him again any time soon? I found it really hurtful. I do struggle sometimes with feeling a little insecure about my position in life, but I also have to reflect on the fact that the economy is not easy right now and I know that all of my friends are in the same situation.

Hi op just ignore him but be polite when he’s around for your dads sake that doesn’t mean you have to like him. He sounds jealous to me. It’s none of his business anything you do so you don’t have to explain yourself to him or anyone else. We are all entitled to holidays from our jobs who does he thinks pays for his holidays, nhs, schools etc. his tax doesn’t cover everything.

It is verbal abuse! This is also a type of abuse especially if it happens repeatedly. And it’s not OK. At a minimum I’d leave the room - and minimise contact. Why put up with this? (And actually your dad should able to tell him he’s out of line too. Calmly not angrily)

my much older sister is a bully. Always has been. She picked on our siblings who an younger than her. But they were close in age. When I was about 13 I became her favourite target. I am much older now but she still picks at me whenever she gets a chance. 3 things helped. 1. Be clear with your parents what is going on and how it affects you (which it sounds like you've already done). 2. Minimise contact. 3. When you have contact either shrug off what he's saying without getting upset (hard but massively helpful because upsetting you is the goal). Get a stock of neutral answers ready. "Really?", "interesting", "noted", that sort of thing. If it helps you could also comment on what he's doing - "there you go again", "I wondered what you would criticise today", etc etc. The less bothered you are, the less satisfying it is for them.

And remember, it's not really about you or even what they really think of you. It's about their own inadequacy. Happy, secure people don't act this way.

I’m guessing your dad doesn’t deal with his son’s abusive behaviour is because he feels guilty being the reason. OP doesn’t know the circumstances when the relationship with your brother’s mother was breaking down and it seems to have been very upsetting for a young boy at that age.
Unfortunately it’s not unusual for men as they age go back to childhood trauma and take it out of their parents and step siblings.
Your stepbrother’s behaviour is not your responsibility it is your father’s and he has to deal with it so why are you tiptoeing round it?
Tell your parents that you are going NC with him and let them deal with it.
Your parents are playing on your qualities as a natural carer. This has to stop.

Stand up for yourself! Next time just stand up and say shut the fuck up you immature whiny little prick

@youdeserveit

This.

Fine if you don’t want to fight with him, just have as little to do with him as possible.

The most helpful thing your parents can do is make sure their affairs are all in order. Dealing with him when they’ve gone will be an absolute nightmare!!

Hi OP. Just because someone says these things, in his opinion, doesn’t make them true. You totally need to just disengage from him. You are not responsible for your parents feelings, or your brothers, you can only manage your own. Try to realise whatever his opinion is, it’s completely irrelevant. You don’t deserve to be spoken to like this, and you mentioned you hate confrontation, but that doesn’t mean you have to take it on or tolerate it. Likely there is nothing you could say anyway to have any kind of sensible discussion with your brother, just don’t bother going there. Respond with silence. Starve that shit. Don’t dignify with a response. Don’t take it personally as it’s probably nothing to do with you and everything to do with your brothers lack of emotional maturity intelligence and bandwidth, drunk or sober. Save your energy for what you can influence, which is your own response. Best of luck.

Abuse does not have to involve hitting. He is abusive to you and if your father had words about the grandson, he’s obviously abusive to his own son as well. Abuse takes many forms, physical is only one of them.

and interest rates aren’t insanely high 🤣 though I accept you can’t afford to get a mortgage. When we had a mortgage we started with 10% and within 3 months it was up to 18% ..now that’s insanely high

Yes quite concerning to hear the minimizing of the overall situation and the viewpoint that only hitting is abuse from anyone in this day and age is concerning and disappointing. The hitting tends to come after a pattern of other abuses, misogyny and disrespect, and testing what they can get away with. And even if there is never hitting, all of the above are still abuse.

Bewildering to see the U-turn tbh - for your own sake please don't minimise verbal abuse and also don't go down the road of believing that because it's family it doesn't count as abuse. It is what it is regardless of your connection to who behaves in this way.

Take care of yourself and be safe OP

Get a stock of neutral answers ready. "Really?", "interesting", "noted", that sort of thing.

'Noted' is my go to. Also translates as get knotted

Yes, similarly I find if you are polite but neutral it really upsets people trying to be maliciously rude.although fuck off might feel good as an answer, a more formal response give less for people to react to - which is great because it makes it look like you are not upset, and upsetting you is usually the aim.

Hi OP, 2 words NO CONTACT