My brother was horrid to me last night

[youdeserveit]

I’m keeping this slightly vague as it would be very outing if a select few people read it!

I have a brother who is significantly older than I am. My existence has always been a sore point for him.

I saw him yesterday and in the space of about three hours he was just absolutely vile to me:

• I’m non clinical in the NHS. He thinks that “people like me” are the reason the NHS is “fucked” - because I’m taking ten days holiday. It was really quite nasty, he went on and on about how it shouldn’t be allowed, how people in the public sector are lazy and don’t want to work. Never mind that he’s off on a three week holiday in December!
• I live at home. He called me a “freeloading piece of shit” because I’m not paying £1,000 a month rent. He lived at home until a similar age, and when he did move out he moved into a friend’s house where he paid for bills and food only. I have had a discussion with my parents today and they have reassured me that they do not feel this way.
• He said he thinks it’s “utterly pathetic” that I travel alone. He thinks I should grow up and, in his words, “find a man” to travel with.

AIBU to just not want to see him again any time soon? I found it really hurtful. I do struggle sometimes with feeling a little insecure about my position in life, but I also have to reflect on the fact that the economy is not easy right now and I know that all of my friends are in the same situation.

I’d have asked him to explain why he thinks he’s a net contributor.

Presumably she works with limited resources and limited time

I think everyone in the public sector (and plenty of people in the private sector for that matter) would say that applies to them. It's hardly unique to the NHS.

And besides, people in non-clinical positions won't suffer at the coal face as a result of those challenges in quite the same way that doctors and nurses will. It's ridiculous to suggest that purely administrative roles are remotely comparable in that respect. The idea that everyone in the NHS is some underpaid, struggling martyr or selfless hero is laughable.

If he lives with friends, it's not as if he has a partner and kids to enjoy life with himself

What a sad hypocrite with outdated views of how tax etc work and that you pay it too..

You must pity him really

As a side issue Op have your parents made wills? When your brother is so bitter it's especially important for all the legalities to be tied up tight.
He's made no effort to resolve his childhood issues and now he's screwing up all his relationships, but if after a few drinks he's angry enough to rant for hours I can't feel any sympathy for him

In your own mind OP you can go NC with this little tosser, you don’t need to tell the family:
-no response if he messages you
-delete his comments in group chats
-absent yourself from gatherings outside the home if he will be present
-at gatherings within the home, keep as physically far away from him as you can and do not respond to any comment addressed to you (grey rock)

I’m sorry your DB is a twat but good for you for protecting yourself and your DF.

i have two brothers who both used to be mean to me. At some point a switch flicked and I just emotionally detached from them, no drama. 40 years later, they are still in my life and one at least has become like our father ie nice. He would even like to support me emotionally I think but that ship has sailed.

My brother and sister are horrible people too. I’m no contact with them now. It’s been 15 years. Obviously it’s easier to avoid them when you eventually move out of your parents home. If he visits, just grab what you need and go upstairs until he leaves. I wouldn’t bother speaking to him if he’s going to be rude to you.

Hmm…I was trying to empathise with one particular human. Presumably her role is still stressful. I come from a position of considerable nhs experience (over a decade) and strong working relationships with clinical and non-clinical colleagues. I’m well aware of what it looks like. And yes, obviously there are more stressful jobs in the world, like being a CEO of a huge company where everyone is reliable on you to pay their salaries etc. bomb disposal etc.

He doesn’t like sharing daddy does he? You need to learn to grey rock him and leave the room if he’s getting lairy.

He sounds like a thoroughly unpleasant kind of person who has unresolved jealousy/other issues and is taking them out of a much younger female sibling. I’d be inclined to tell your parents what he said and inform them that you want nothing more to do with him. I don’t understand why he considers travelling alone pathetic, to me it’s very brave and shows a lot of confidence. Don’t put up with people like him OP, related or not, block him, don’t talk to him at family gatherings and cut him out of your life. Unless of course he apologies profusely and admits to being a total abusive prick (unlikely).

Have an extremely similar situation with older brother.

I regret not going no contact with mine years ago.

I did a couple of times then felt I had to be in contact during my mother’s illness and death then my father’s illness and death.

I can’t tell you how much I regret being sucked back in.

I can’t tell you how much I regret trying to be a peacemaker to placate parents who did not support me.

They made excuses for his atrocious behaviour and trained me to do the same.

Never excuse bad behaviour- unless you want more of it coming at you.

Be careful on the forums as lots of people will excuse him and find fault with you - they will be similar in character to your brother and my own.

All of the comments your brother made are designed to trigger you into reacting. He will enjoy whatever reaction you show.

Go absolutely no contact with him. If you don’t he will constantly show up with lists of comments and questions all designed to drag you down.

Be careful he can suck out your energy and mess with your head as long as he lives.

All this is irrelevant to the issue at hand.

If the OP was working down a mine her brother would make nasty comments.

Oh dear. I am all but no contact with my sister. For a long time I deliberated over it and didn’t know what to do. Ultimately for my mental health and because life is short I decided I didn’t want someone in my life who judged me, looked down on me and generally didn’t make me feel good. Parents presume because they brought you up in the same house that you will be best friends and never leave each others lives but that’s just not reality - you need to do what’s best for you and not being around someone like your brother is probably best, he clearly dislikes you.

Sorry my sausage fingers pressed the wrong button, I DO NOT think you are unreasonable!

I know where you are coming from op not wanting drama and upset for your parents
I think your best option is low contact. You can do that without the drama of no contact.
Also prepare yourself when you do have to see him be becoming emotionally detached as far as possible. If/when he does upset you don't allow him to see/know.
This takes the power away from him.
He will have his own issues for sure. Parents split at about six, whoever was at fault, new baby half sibling during emotionally turbulent ten years. None of his issues are your fault and if he lived with you during those years your mum and your/his dad must have cared and made him welcome but he probably has unspoken issues. You can't help that but I find somehow knowing that helps the low contact go more smoothly. 💐

How about this, @youdeserveit - "Actually brother, I pay tax too - so by your logic, I am self-employed and can have a holiday whenever I want - thanks for the good advice!!"

Sounds like he hates his life and is projecting this at you. What a loser he is.

Might you consider sending him an email with a concerned veneer, dispassionately recapping what happened so he cannot forward the email without embarrassment, and including a couple of links to paranoia support and anger management techniques type websites, that “a colleague at work” suggested? At best he might investigate, second best is it will really get up his nose.

”Freeloading piece of shit” is unacceptable. Relationship over for ever surely, but it would be great if you could tell people the reason and quote him directly, rather than politely change the subject to protect this arse but I do understand it would be as if the universe was splitting. (I wish I had followed my own advice when in similar situation, maybe we are both a bit boiled frog?.) Interesting he chose a time when your father wasn’t there. I had a brother that was equally furious at my existence, keen to convey his hatred and greenlit for doing so by the rest of the family. It turned out it was largely fuelled by lies from another family member.

Anyway, so very sorry you did not have the kind of brother you deserve. He wants you out of that house, doesn’t he. First freeloading accusations to shame you into moving out, then saying you are contemptuous for not having a partner (in whose house you could conveniently go and live). I wonder why.

AIBU to just not want to see him again any time soon?

It would be abnormal to want to be this angry little man's punching bag.

It is very hard when a sibling takes against you. For no apparent reason. I say apparent but then again….

I wouldn’t spend too much time taking his comments to heart. Ignore them. Tell him to mind his own business. And ask him why does he want to hurt you ?

Bear in mind this could be some sort of calculated campaign.

I would urge you to talk to your parents about any Will they have.
That they appoint a Solicitor to be the executor. If your father appoints you both, to be an executor you can go to a Solicitor to oversee things. Hugely helpful.

Far ahead, yes. But it just be that maybe this is in your brothers mind too. Especially if this nastiness has just started not too long ago.

Please ensure your father doesn’t make him a Power of Attorney at some point. Explain all to this and your concerns. A Solicitor can be a POA too.
Up to your parents of course, but do outline your concerns.

OP why are you even needing to ask?

He needs a refund on his charm school fees

oh where is that laugh emoji😁

Your brother is a cunt.
I bet £100 your parents are fully aware of this.

Have nothing to do with him. What does he bring to your life. And you are also not responsible for managing the feelings of your parents at the expense of your own.

I really admire this Op.

I think you need to work out how to minimise contact with your brother in a manner that minimises involvement/impact on your parents given that it’s important to you.

I would try to minimise actually being around him as much as possible. So go out for a walk etc if he comes over. I also wouldn’t engage with him on any of the 3 topics. He’s not going to suddenly see the error of his ways so I wouldn’t waste my breath. I’d wager he is carrying a lot of baggage from his youth, nothing you can do about that.

I would shut him down though - I’d don’t know why you feel entitled to all these opinions on my life, I’m not interested or whatever wording fits. No big debates about the NHS or whatever just block the conversation.

Were your parents present? I would have a LOT to say if either of my kids spoke that way to anyone, regardless of their ages, and especially to eachother.

Who does he think he is commenting on your life choices?!

You need to stop caring what he thinks, telling him your business and your rental payments are between you and your parents.

He is possibly very jealous? But definitely extremely nasty and misogynistic.