My brother was horrid to me last night

[youdeserveit]

I’m keeping this slightly vague as it would be very outing if a select few people read it!

I have a brother who is significantly older than I am. My existence has always been a sore point for him.

I saw him yesterday and in the space of about three hours he was just absolutely vile to me:

• I’m non clinical in the NHS. He thinks that “people like me” are the reason the NHS is “fucked” - because I’m taking ten days holiday. It was really quite nasty, he went on and on about how it shouldn’t be allowed, how people in the public sector are lazy and don’t want to work. Never mind that he’s off on a three week holiday in December!
• I live at home. He called me a “freeloading piece of shit” because I’m not paying £1,000 a month rent. He lived at home until a similar age, and when he did move out he moved into a friend’s house where he paid for bills and food only. I have had a discussion with my parents today and they have reassured me that they do not feel this way.
• He said he thinks it’s “utterly pathetic” that I travel alone. He thinks I should grow up and, in his words, “find a man” to travel with.

AIBU to just not want to see him again any time soon? I found it really hurtful. I do struggle sometimes with feeling a little insecure about my position in life, but I also have to reflect on the fact that the economy is not easy right now and I know that all of my friends are in the same situation.

I went no contact with mine for a blissful couple of years. Upset my parents though.

How would yours feel?

Did you tell your parents what he called you?

Based on their reactions to what I told them, I think they’d be justified. My dad is just about talked down from giving my him a smack!

His third point is ridiculous full stop.

his second point - it’s bloody hard these days with the cost of living. My dd is living with me while she gets started and most of her friends are also living with their parents.

his first point - of course the nhs needs non clinical staff.

he sounds unpleasant.

Do you pay any rent? Perhaps he feels that your parents favoured you over him.

His first point isn’t that the NHS has non clinical staff, it’s that we’re allowed time off! He basically sat there and gave me a long rant about how his “fucking tax money” is paying for my holiday, he’s paying my wages blah blah blah

Yes, I do. The amount isn’t his business, and he lived rent free with both our dad, and his mum, before moving in with his friends.

Avoid him completely then!

And lone travelling is cool. Awesome women do it.

Ah, he's just a twat. A nasty, little twat who wants you to feel small.

Don't bother putting yourself through the hassle of interacting with him again.

Well for some reason he does seem to really resent you. It sounds unlikely that you'll ever get along so it's probably best just to not have anything to do with him at all.

Is there any need for you to be in each other's company in the future?

I'm not sure why you would want to talk to him again after that. What nasty bile.

I mean its your brother do you really need to see him. I actually like my brother and I don't think I've seen him for well over a year

Oh I have one of those brothers too. Has remarkably similar issues to yours actually: I’m a clinician in the health service (not in uk) and as he’s private sector he feels all public sector staff are lazy shirkers. He used make nonstop comments about how come I could take holidays, wasn’t working Christmas Day or bank holidays etc “nobody gets sick on Christmas Day I suppose” etc, conveniently ignoring the times I did work on Christmas and bank holidays, and overnight call and weekends etc. He was silent then.

I also have the temerity to be single by choice, childfree and to travel solo. He highly disapproves of all 3 of those things and isn’t slow to let his opinion be known.

For those reasons, and others, I cut him out of my life a number of years ago and haven’t regretted it for one second.

What! people who work in the NHS shouldn't have holidays?

I do think I’m reaching that point now. It was just so hurtful last night, and for no reason whatsoever

That’s what he thinks! Because it’s “his tax money that’s paying for it”!! When I said I had a week off sick because I had the flu? “Oh and I paid for that too”

Well he ticks every single box for the ultimate obnoxious man doesn't he. Not a single redeeming feature and he obviously hates you. So unless there's a massive drip feed I can't imagine why you'd ever want to be in the same room (or even on the same planet) as him ever again.

This, you say “our dad and his mum” so are you half siblings? As you’re younger does be somehow bizarrely blame you for his parents split?
what’s your age difference?

14 year age difference. My dad and his ex had split about five years before he met my mum.

I just feel it would be a shame for my parents.

‘Find a man’ to travel with? Has he time-travelled from 1780?

You need wittier comebacks. Tell him that you’ll ask one of your lovely clinical colleagues to assess him, because he’s clearly not right in the head.

Seriously, these are the rantings of a madman and I think your parents should be very concerned about him. I would be if my son was speaking like that to anyone.

They'll cope. It's not nice for them either if they have to sit and listen to him bitching and whining at you. They can see each of you separately, you'll work it out, it's not actually that hard.

I’d refuse to see him except when absolutely vital to your parents. You don’t have to associate with someone who is abusive to you no matter what your relation. He’s a nasty, abusive man who can get fucked.

Do you get invited to family get togethers where you see him? Were your parents not at this event yesterday where he said all this?

Then they should have sorted his attitude out. They are responsible for raising him and allowing him to grow into this person who feels entitled to abuse you. You aren’t responsible for your parents relationship or experience of him.