My brother was horrid to me last night

[youdeserveit]

I’m keeping this slightly vague as it would be very outing if a select few people read it!

I have a brother who is significantly older than I am. My existence has always been a sore point for him.

I saw him yesterday and in the space of about three hours he was just absolutely vile to me:

• I’m non clinical in the NHS. He thinks that “people like me” are the reason the NHS is “fucked” - because I’m taking ten days holiday. It was really quite nasty, he went on and on about how it shouldn’t be allowed, how people in the public sector are lazy and don’t want to work. Never mind that he’s off on a three week holiday in December!
• I live at home. He called me a “freeloading piece of shit” because I’m not paying £1,000 a month rent. He lived at home until a similar age, and when he did move out he moved into a friend’s house where he paid for bills and food only. I have had a discussion with my parents today and they have reassured me that they do not feel this way.
• He said he thinks it’s “utterly pathetic” that I travel alone. He thinks I should grow up and, in his words, “find a man” to travel with.

AIBU to just not want to see him again any time soon? I found it really hurtful. I do struggle sometimes with feeling a little insecure about my position in life, but I also have to reflect on the fact that the economy is not easy right now and I know that all of my friends are in the same situation.

"Banned" by who? Whoever it is, you don't have to obey. Don't you see the contradiction in criticizing how everyone else ignores his behaviour, when you're doing exactly the same thing? OP should "let her dad say something", but you won't "let" yourself? Everyone else in your family lacks "gumption", but your case is different? Sounds like twatty relative has everyone very well trained, you included.

Low contact / grey rock, OP. Just learn a few stock phrases:

"Hmm, that's not really how it works" (on the tax thing)

"Bit old for siblings jealousy, aren't you?" (on the living with parents thing)

"Not half as pathetic as being intimidated by an independent woman...at your age" (on the travelling alone thing)

And then refuse to get drawn in any more.

He’s got serious daddy issues. He’s probably very aware your dad prefers you (unsurprisingly) and he will have seen you getting all the attention a baby needs when he was 14. As an already difficult character he couldn’t deal. Sounds like he imagined himself to be a marvellous father and it didn’t play out like that with his own kid. He probably hates himself. Not that that means what he said was ok. In future I would treat everything he says as a joke and go with it. If he says he’s paying for your holiday ask for more cash too for a few drinks. If he goes on about rent say well you won’t have to pay any when you inherit everything, light that firework and see what happens (no don’t, but seriously it’s probably what he’s thinking about as well).

I known it’s difficult for your parents but no-one should put up with this kind of abusive language. He can think what he wants of you, you are not obliged to absorb his bile. It’s also not good for anyone to be trained to take abuse from anyone let alone their own brother.

It’s ok OP to say you don’t want to be on the receiving end of this and to not allow yourself to be a sitting target just to soothe your parents feelings. No-one should ask anyone to allow themselves to be degraded to make themselves feel better because thats what your parents would be doing if they asked you to continue a relationship with your brother.

If you insist on not changing anything you can just reply with non commital expressions “hmmm” “is that so?” “That interesting” or just shrug. You don’t have to engage with anything he actually says.

He sounds like a fucking idiot. Pardon my French.

@youdeserveitI could have written this down to the NHS job! My brother is 15 years older than me and sounds very similar. Always making a dig, saying I don’t do any work. If I finish at 5pm, that’s not a full day etc. I have started calling him out on it every single time. He made a comment recently about how I earned more than him which is ridiculous and I was like of course I do, you’re a delivery driver, nothing wrong with it but stop making out like you’re better than me, all the time!

It sounds as though he needs to diminish you in order to make himself feel better / important / stand taller. In what ways would he feel he has not succeeded or has failed in life? Perhaps he has not progressed in his work? Or his marriage has broken down? Does he have no friends? (Which would be perfectly understandable!) You may find him a little easier to deal with if you can identify why he behaves like this and why it is you that he attacks. Of course it could simply be that he knows you won't attack back or that he treats everyone like this.

Your brother is horrible but I appreciate things look black and white to an outsider. When you're in the centre it's more complicated.

Let your dad talk to him. You're not responsible for how it goes. They are grown men. Let them figure it out.

Go low contact with your brother. I really feel for you. I am the second wife and the first children really hate my DC.

You might want to remind him that you are a tax payer too. Right before you tell him what he can do with his vile opinions, and then go no contact. He brings nothing to your life so why allow him into it when you don’t need to.

I don't normally swear on here but: "Fuck off George!"
is the only suitable response to him.

Practice saying it really quickly so you can use it to cut him off mid-response.
And avoid contact.

You have two choices OP: Continue as you are and figure out some witty responses or you go low/no contact. Yes, going low/no contact will mean your parents will need to tell you when your brother is coming over. You then have a choice: stay at home out of the way or go out.

Your brother behaves in the way he does, because he's been allowed too. By no one standing up for themselves, he just continues saying what he likes to whoever.

Your brother clearly resents your mere existence and he's never going to treat you with any kindness. Therefore going low contact or no contact would actually be beneficial for you.

No they shouldn’t! Saving lives, dealing with risk, working up against limited resources and time, tricky patients….too easy to justify any time off.

So why was he visiting, if it was just you and his stepmother present, who presumably he dislikes as well? Does he often come over when his dad isn't even there?

Given the big age gap, it's not unusual for people to resent their parents remarrying and providing them with a much younger half sibling they didn't want. It can play havoc with inheritance issues and expectations, for a start. But he does seem particularly bitter and nasty about it.

This is what I would do. Also minimise times where you are alone together. Ie. limit triggering situations. There’s just no need to expose yourself to this. And if he does say unreasonable things, then at least someone else will be there too.

I think you must have gleaned by now that no, you are not being unreasonable to not like his abuse and to never want to see him again

I hope you have also begun to understand that you are far too passive and actually enable your nasty brother’s abuse. You allow him to get it all off his chest with the idea that it’s your duty to do so.

It’s an adult skill to stand up for yourself OP.
But you prefer to make excuses not to be the adult in this situation you describe.
You insist you are not the peacemaker, just thinking about your father’s bout of poor health recently. Really ?
You have excuses for not standing up to him as an adult would and should.
You can go travelling alone but can’t seem to find your words against his nonsensical, outdated accusations.

Poor health or not, I think your father would be delighted to learn you had
advocated for your own boundaries and values in a firm but confident way against your brother’s verbal attacks on you. The rest of the family too no doubt.
You are no longer a small child. just because you still live at home in your parent’s house doesn’t mean you can’t assert your adult self.

If you can’t bear to do it, then walk away and avoid all the toxic situations he creates. Don’t give him the gift of your presence. You are worth so much better than that.

In the meantime, ask yourself why you have a fear of conflict and anxiety about asserting your own boundaries.
Tell yourself not to be compliant to anybody if you don’t like what they say or do, especially an older male.

Stating clearly why you disagree with him does not make you a naughty girl or a rude, disagreeable person, causing conflict.

It's between employer and employees how many holidays you have.
It's between parents who pays what in their own home.
He was just trying to wind you up about solo travel.

But what IS concerning is that you took his verbal and mental beating for three hours. Were you locked in a room with him and couldn't leave? You need to work out why you felt you couldn't walk away and do something else/speak to others. It is perfectly acceptable to walk into another room if a person or conversation turns bad so why didn't you?

He was making a point about non-clinical staff, who don't do any of that. But it's a stupid point anyway, because everyone in paid employment is entitled to take annual leave. He was just enjoying needling the OP for some bizarre reason. He knew his argument held no weight whatsoever but he didn't care.

In your situation I would go ‘low contact’ in as much as I would not seek my brothers company and avoid where possible but I would not make a point about it and would attend family events where it is unavoidable and try to keep out of his way.
However, if he started again I would not grey rock and would give as good as I got. I am not responsible for his behaviour and if that meant dad gets upset so be it. It is not my responsibility to take abuse in order to ensure everyone else is comfortable. Hopefully it would mean after that he would avoid me too.

Ask him why he thinks you don't pay tax.

Presumably she works with limited resources and limited time…..it was a catch all NHS dry comment. But yes, should have said more non-clinical stuff! I worked in the nhs for 14 years and it was super stressful for ALL staff. Even doing without the perks they have in commercial sectors. It’s utterly mental to think that he is paying for her annual leave!!

I don't think I'd ever talk to a sibling again if they spoke to me that way!

He's a nasty little cunt

‘Freeloading piece of shit’ would have been the point at which l would have left, having poured whatever drink l had in my hand at the time over his fat, offensive head !!

The fact that he’s OP’s half brother is very telling. His attitude has very likely been instilled by his mum.

Obnoxious and not very bright is such a depressing combination. You absolutely do not need to spend time I his company.