My brother was horrid to me last night

[youdeserveit]

I’m keeping this slightly vague as it would be very outing if a select few people read it!

I have a brother who is significantly older than I am. My existence has always been a sore point for him.

I saw him yesterday and in the space of about three hours he was just absolutely vile to me:

• I’m non clinical in the NHS. He thinks that “people like me” are the reason the NHS is “fucked” - because I’m taking ten days holiday. It was really quite nasty, he went on and on about how it shouldn’t be allowed, how people in the public sector are lazy and don’t want to work. Never mind that he’s off on a three week holiday in December!
• I live at home. He called me a “freeloading piece of shit” because I’m not paying £1,000 a month rent. He lived at home until a similar age, and when he did move out he moved into a friend’s house where he paid for bills and food only. I have had a discussion with my parents today and they have reassured me that they do not feel this way.
• He said he thinks it’s “utterly pathetic” that I travel alone. He thinks I should grow up and, in his words, “find a man” to travel with.

AIBU to just not want to see him again any time soon? I found it really hurtful. I do struggle sometimes with feeling a little insecure about my position in life, but I also have to reflect on the fact that the economy is not easy right now and I know that all of my friends are in the same situation.

Let your dad deal with it. He raised him, let him teach the little turd the error of his ways.

He sounds like an absolute wanker.

Mumsnet loves a ‘go no contact’ but I totally appreciate why that isn’t always straightforward. It sounds as though he probably wouldn’t go out of his way to see you so I would probably just avoid initiating anything, and conveniently have plans if you know he is due to visit your parents. If you happen to cross paths then cordial but detached is probably the best way forwards. No need to make a big announcement or make things awkward for anyone.

And you said???? I take it you didn’t let him get away with it?

Taken me a long time to get to this point, to be fair, but I take the view now that if you wouldn't accept that shit from a friend or acquaintance, why should you from a family member?

He can think what he likes. Doesn't mean he's right. Certainly doesn't mean he has the right to browbeat you.

So not a net contributor. Won’t be paying enough tax to mitigate what he takes out of the system himself, so why is he picking at you ?

He clearly is abusive and you see your role in life as to accept that.

How your parents, your mother would tolerate this is beyond me.

He abuses you verbally because he can.

You are ripe for a highly abusive relationship if you think this is what you have to accept from those around you to keep the peace.

Do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk as a start.
Look at some therapy, perhaps through work.

Your brother is a bullying thug and you accepting it has egged him on.

This is a shocking way to live.
He can visit anytime and verbally attack you in your home.

Awful.

What a bellend, he sounds like an all around unpleasant person with issues who is maybe jealous of you. Good for dad being angry with him. What an idiot he is. Sorry you went through that.

OP hasn’t had their dad all to herself though. She says brother lived with them until she was around six, and then left to live with his mum. He would have been around twenty given the age gap, so a free choice. And according to OP it wasn’t his dad who left. His mum had an affair and his dad tried to repair things for the children but she left anyway. So if there’s any resentment on DB’s part, it should be directed at his own mother, not OP or their dad.

The reason he feels entitled to comment about your life is because you still live at home. He sees your parents house as an extension of himself. The only way to make it stop is to move out.

OP did his mum stay with her affair partner ? Does he have any half siblings on his mum’s side. If so, is he vile to them too ?

Ate they more important than you? It’s his fault not yours. But stop telling him stuff, he doesn’t need to know about your holiday or flu. Unless in a twisted way you are getting him to react so you feel justified in not having g anything to do with him and you can show your parents? . Bit of a scab you pick? Understandable totally but not needed just don’t see him.

I think this is a joke, because it’s as much my home as it was his. He’s well aware that moving out wouldn’t be financially viable for me at the moment, due to insanely high mortgage rates.

That’s not okay and not normal. I am also the youngest (my mum has my oldest brother at 19, me at 40) and he is very kind to me. He refers to me as his “practice child” because he looked after me a lot when I was a baby. It’s sad you and your brother have a strained relationship, and it seems like maybe it’s time to go NC. I’m sorry he’s a dick though. Enjoy your 10 days off!!

He’s not abusive. He was just on a rant

Well the fact is wherever OP is living is none of his business. She’s working and contributing to the household. Why would you think she should pander to this vile, entitled overgrown brat and inconvenience herself to satisfy him ? If he feels entitled to comment in such horrible terms to OP I’d suggest that all is not well in his own life. From one of her updates it seems her dad had to intervene to stop DB treating his own son in similarly vile terms, so clearly he has problems.

I never said I was though. I absolutely have it easier than clinical colleagues but it’s also not a walk in the park!

It’s also not a reason for your DB to be so vile to you. As a previous poster commented, you could probably work down a coal mine and he’d have the same attitude.

@youdeserveit it sounds to me like your brother is jealous of you. He got the shitty separated parent life and you didn't. You get to live with your parents. He can't as they are not together.

It doesn't give him the right to be abusive though. He needs to get over his ego and focus on his own life. Its like he is trying to belittle your life to make his own life seem better. MH issues I would say.

I'd be tempted to send him a polite but firm message then go very low contact.

"<name>, I'm sorry to see you have so much resentment towards me. If you need someone to talk to them I am here for you, but otherwise please refrain from any further nastiness as it isn't kind or necessary. X"

If he replies with anything nasty then just delete and ignore.

You need to see the ‘rant’ for what it is. And it is abusive OP. He’d had a few drinks but in my view that makes it worse.

Could he be resentful that you still live at home but he doesn't? Maybe he would want to live there?

You sound like a lovely person OP. If you don't want to cut contract entirely, could you ask your parents to be mindful you are not left alone with him? It sounds like he took the opportunity for the abuse when they were not around.

I knew he wouldn't be on a high salary before I read all your posts. I know someone exactly like him who is targeting me recently. Angry little men like this feel insecure, jealous. They try to make themselves feel bigger by trying to put other people down. To convince themselves, or try and convince you, that you are smaller than them. He will be jealous of your career, that you are happy under the same roof as your dad, that you have the independence and freedom to travel alone. So many people can't do that. I travelled alone last year for the 1st time and loved every second of it. Getting to decide the whole itinerary, where to eat and total relaxation, bliss.

Every negative comment he makes, just know it is a highlight into his own insecurities. Bat 1 back if you can. Especially his pathetic comment that he is funding your holiday "Not on your salary mate".

He’s married with two children.

He lived with his mum until a little older than me, and then only moved out to be with friends because of work requirements.

That poster is not saying his opinion is right or based in logic though, you are less in his eyes you are a child st home he’s the adult.

Anyone who calls you a freeloading piece of shit, pathetic etc is abusive. Would you not call it abuse if it came from a friend / boyfriend / colleague?

No I’d not class it as abuse as he’s not hitting me is he?!