My brother was horrid to me last night

[youdeserveit]

I’m keeping this slightly vague as it would be very outing if a select few people read it!

I have a brother who is significantly older than I am. My existence has always been a sore point for him.

I saw him yesterday and in the space of about three hours he was just absolutely vile to me:

• I’m non clinical in the NHS. He thinks that “people like me” are the reason the NHS is “fucked” - because I’m taking ten days holiday. It was really quite nasty, he went on and on about how it shouldn’t be allowed, how people in the public sector are lazy and don’t want to work. Never mind that he’s off on a three week holiday in December!
• I live at home. He called me a “freeloading piece of shit” because I’m not paying £1,000 a month rent. He lived at home until a similar age, and when he did move out he moved into a friend’s house where he paid for bills and food only. I have had a discussion with my parents today and they have reassured me that they do not feel this way.
• He said he thinks it’s “utterly pathetic” that I travel alone. He thinks I should grow up and, in his words, “find a man” to travel with.

AIBU to just not want to see him again any time soon? I found it really hurtful. I do struggle sometimes with feeling a little insecure about my position in life, but I also have to reflect on the fact that the economy is not easy right now and I know that all of my friends are in the same situation.

When I was married and worked in the public sector, I had a husband who constantly referred to the whole of the public sector as wasters. I have no idea why he thought this as I worked hard at my job and climbed the career ladder and had loads of nice conscientious work colleagues. He was a bit of a loner, not overly career motivated or ambitious, but was prone to exaggerated tales, Walter Mitty style on the odd occasion when we socialised. I came to the conclusion that he had problems finding his self worth and preferred to belittle other people's achievements simply to make himself feel better

What was interesting to note was during the COVID pandemic it was largely the public sector and those that worked in low paid retail that kept the country going, while many private sector employees stayed at home decorating their houses or doing their gardens while furloughed., or in a few high profile cases milked the system for lucrative emergency supplies contracts.

He lived with his mum until a little older than me,

What does he say when you point out this hypocrisy of his?

He says it’s different (it’s not, of course. He was growing up in a much easier economy and just didn’t want to move out)

Not to be funny, but lots of people have advised you to go no contact or grey rock, lots of people have advised you to allow your dad to speak out and you’ve said you can’t because it would hurt disrupt the family. People have told you it’s abusive behaviour but you say it isn’t. So what do people want advise on exactly? What outcome do you want to happen if you don’t take action or allow anyone else to take action?

I guess I just needed a vent. Having the same advice again and again when I’ve explained why it’s not really feasible is frustrating

All the advice given is feasible, you just don’t want to do it. Your username and responses give the impression you like being a victim hence the refusal to help your own situation, basically help rejection complaining. I hope you grow up and actually impliment the useful advice people have given you, but I doubt you will, you enjoy the cycle. My SIL is the same, I grey rock her, because victim mentality drains everyone around them.

Hearing an alleged NHS professional say they don't understand what abuse is is frustrating and concerning.

People have latched onto that, I’ve never said I don’t understand abuse. I’ve said I don’t consider this to be abuse.

What? What a load of rubbish. The username is a line from a song that I was listening to, so I used it as a username.

The only reason I’m not yet full No Contact with my awful sibling is that our elderly parent needs a lot of looking after.

I can document years of sibling being awful to me. Therapy is expensive but it’s helping me through this particularly difficult time.

ultimate madness, doing the same thing and expecting a different result.
I get that its not feasible to move out but why is it not feasible to give your brother what for and to not stop your father doing the same? I mean what's the worst that could happen?

OP, I understand why you don’t think your brother's insults should be classed as "abuse" and usually I disagree with Mumsnet advice to barge ahead with confrontation regardless of how it affects others. But I really think you ought to seriously reconsider your conviction that you can’t possibly challenge your brother because it would cause upset to your parents. You say "it's not worth the fallout" but that is how bullies get power. I feel you are dismissing the idea without really thinking it through. If a friend told you they were going through this, what would you advise them to do?

The fact that your father hasn't remonstrated with DB probably makes DB think that your parents secretly agree with him. Is that what you want?

Think the unthinkable. Sometimes some temporary upset has to be gone through, to attain longer-term benefit.

@youdeserveit - I can see why @knottywig said what she did about your user name - and I don’t think she meant it unkindly.

I really hope that you can tell yourself that you do NOT deserve the abuse and bullying from your brother, but that you do deserve respect from everyone.

Abuse can be verbal.

Time to assert yourself and draw that line. You want nothing more to do with him. If that upsets your parents, so be it. They are reaping the results of not dealing with him earlier. Why should you take his bullying?

I like to think of it like cats. I live on an estate and have about 10 cats from 8 different owners living nearby. Most of them tolerate eachother. Some of them aren’t friendly. The other cats have been scratched and bitten by the bitey cats so they naturally keep away. People are much the same. Your brother is like a cat who has to scratch and bite. If you care for yourself you will avoid unnecessary harm by creating a barrier between you and the person who just can’t help but hurt you. If you want me to tell you how to stop the bites hurting there is no way. You’re not flame proof like he possibly is. He seems quite comfortable being nasty with a female he should love and want to protect and want to see happy.

you’re avoiding any lines being drawn to avoid the angst you will get from your parents and i suspect thats another whole kettle of fish.

What would the fallout be? Like you mean your brother would quickly get violent? Or just it would be awkward to stay out of his way when he visited? Because that is NOTHING compared to your nervous system being assaulted by a bully.

Of course it can be, there is also emotional and financial abuse, which do terrible harm.

Some posters on MN dispute anything other than being battered by a partner.🙄

They belittle the experience of anyone not being beaten.🙄

The fact that you think that means you don't understand it 🤦🏼‍♀️ Have you actually had safeguarding training?

Ive also taken to just walk out of the room when a family member starts ranting like this and eg busy myself in the kitchen.

That way I’m not exposing myself to the hurtful comment and I’m making clear what I think of the rant. But wo the massive fuss calling them out would do.

What a prick! You don’t need someone in your life like that.

My own experience with people like this is that trying to shut them down doesn’t work. Theyre not going to suddenly see the light!

What works is NC. Making yourself scarce. Refusing to engage.
Shutting them diwn can actually make it all worse because they feel flummoxed about it.

You're not under any obligation to see another adult who goes out of his way to be offensive, brother or not. If I were you, I'd avoid any contact unless he makes all the running!

My parents were happy for any of us to come back home if we needed to, I think I was the only one out of four of us who didn't have at least one spell back at home. It's sad for a grown man to feel jealous of a sibling, it might go back years but it's about time he snapped out of it!

Oh good lord, what an ugly horrible person. If you wouldn't tolerate a stranger or neighbour or co-worker saying any of these terrible things to you, there's no reason to tolerate it coming from a relative. He really needs to grow up, it's shocking how much. If I were you, I'd cut contact and I was also be ready with some very good come-backs, I mean scathing ones. Practice in the mirror. This person is very much a bully who likes to attack, and the only way to deal with a bully is to confront.

What a piece of work this man is.
What is his problem? Why is he so unhappy!

You just seem to me to be living a normal everyday life.. So get on with and enjoy yourself.

Ignore this prat and give him a wide berth.

If he insults you again and you feel bullied or threatened. Get some advice from the Police or a Solicitor.

Dont let him upset you again
👍😻
X

Op ive recently gone no contact with my "brother" he recently told.me my dd11 at the time was fucked up and weird as she didnt take his wife telling her to piss of as a joke,I simply asked for a apology,where he then proceeded to tell me I owe his wife one.
He went on to say im the bottom of the barrel (im a sahm & partner works for FA )unfortunately he couldn't choose family as id be last on the list.
I will never speak to that man again in my life! Sometimes blood doesn't always mean family.

I hope you told him in person all the things you have told us on here. He sounds nasty and I would have told him so. You should make all those points to him, defend yourself.