My brother was horrid to me last night

[youdeserveit]

I’m keeping this slightly vague as it would be very outing if a select few people read it!

I have a brother who is significantly older than I am. My existence has always been a sore point for him.

I saw him yesterday and in the space of about three hours he was just absolutely vile to me:

• I’m non clinical in the NHS. He thinks that “people like me” are the reason the NHS is “fucked” - because I’m taking ten days holiday. It was really quite nasty, he went on and on about how it shouldn’t be allowed, how people in the public sector are lazy and don’t want to work. Never mind that he’s off on a three week holiday in December!
• I live at home. He called me a “freeloading piece of shit” because I’m not paying £1,000 a month rent. He lived at home until a similar age, and when he did move out he moved into a friend’s house where he paid for bills and food only. I have had a discussion with my parents today and they have reassured me that they do not feel this way.
• He said he thinks it’s “utterly pathetic” that I travel alone. He thinks I should grow up and, in his words, “find a man” to travel with.

AIBU to just not want to see him again any time soon? I found it really hurtful. I do struggle sometimes with feeling a little insecure about my position in life, but I also have to reflect on the fact that the economy is not easy right now and I know that all of my friends are in the same situation.

But you said they understood and your dad wanted to smack him? How often do all of you get together in one place?

Who talked him down and why? I think he should have had words with his arse of a son.

Did you remind him that you also pay tax back into the system that pays you?

My dad was angry in the moment but he obviously loves his children. Things like Christmas etc would be awkward, given I still live here!

Me, because it’s not worth the fallout if they had an argument

Don’t waste another minute of your life on him. He is nasty and resentful, don’t be his doormat.
Let him think what he wants to think.
He will never change.

I had an inkling he was a half-brother tbh

I think alot of his resentment probably built up before you were even born. I would minimise contact with him in your position.

It’s not his mum that’s seeing him be an arse! It’s ops mum, so not on her. I was thinking sibling jealousy but he was 14 when op was born..

He’s just horrible. No wonder you’re upset. You tried to explain your situation / defend yourself and he wouldn’t listen at all. What a vile person. Was he drunk or taking drugs? Has he got mental health issues? Is he usually like this? You can choose your friends but not your family. If it was me, I wouldn’t want to spend time with him again.

if it was a one-off and something is going, then maybe talk to him and tell him he needs to apologise? If it’s regular, then don’t bother with him again.

He sounds like a massive twat. Just a reminder - you don't have to spend time with someone who's nasty to you just because you happen to be related to them. You can just not see him ever again!

Your parents would probably be grateful that they didn't have to deal with the stress.

What does he do? Is he a high rate tax payer? If not my response would be along the lines that his tax wouldn't pay someone's bus fare to work never mind their salary.

He’d had a couple of drinks.

30k a year salary so not quite covering mine!

What fallout? Surely after your Dad had thrown him out you'd just have a quiet house? Or does your Dad take out his stresses on you too, so the place would feel awful for days?

He doesn't sound terribly intelligent.

You clearly want to keep having a relationship with him OP.

I mean, you could think up all sorts of witty comebacks. Or you could just tell him " Fuck off you bullying twat"

Would your Dad be OK with that do you think?

He’s a cockwomble! Glad it sounds as though your dad has your back! I would avoid him as much as possible and only see him at family events

What?

My dad wasn’t present last night. I told him what happened today.

This is what I did about 2 years ago and I'm happy to keep it that way. Nothing will make him happy and he's just a nasty spiteful person.

It’s not so much that I want a relationship with him, I just don’t want to upset my parents

OP I’m sorry. It’s horrible to have a family member speak to you like this, especially when it’s someone who should have your back. Please know that his anger is from his own failings and insecurities, not yours, and his shitty behaviour is neither your fault nor your responsibility to deal with. Cut his negativity out of your life and keep thriving.

I'd tell him to go fuck himself personally.

Low contact is a perfectly good option too, and easier than no contact.
So you don't need to make a grand announcement that you won't be seeing him ever again. And you can still attend events like Christmas etc that he is also at without making it awkward, making your family feel as if they have to choose between who to invite. But just avoid seeing him in situations like you saw him today. Grey rock or just walk away if you are at a joint family.event and he starts on at you. Basically just mentally distanced yourself and stop expecting him to be nice because clearly he won't. Once you decide that then it's harder for their criticisms to get in your head.

Is it likely that your brother felt 'abandoned' or pushed aside somehow by your dad when you were born?
Your brother sounds vile, and irrational, but I suspect he's stuck in a 'hurt child' mode. Not that that helps you in anyway, and I'd be tempted to either avoid him altogether or have some really good retorts to throw back at him as someone else has already suggested. Alternatively, just laugh in his face every time he says something outrageous.

Yes but you are implying that in order to not upset your parents, you do intend to continue having a relationship with him.