AIBU to not want to give a bottle to our EBF baby to benefit my partner?

[gratedcheeseandham]

Would love some opinions because I can see both sides (sort of) and not sure if it’s anxiety from my side or not.

Partner and I have an 8 week out baby who is exclusively breastfed from the breast. He’s had no problems latching at all and I’ve absolutely adored breastfeeding. Baby has never had a problem with my milk, no tummy issues, has only ever gained weight (didn’t lose any weight after birth) and can be fed at the moment in 10 mins. I’ve had no problems with pain or engorgement. I feel extremely lucky that our BF journey has been going well - I am part of an antenatal group where a lot of people have struggled. In said antenatal group, every single baby (10 in total) have been introduced to a bottle, some are completely on formula and some have expressed breastmilk. I want to make it clear I have no problem with however any woman wants to feed her baby, fed is best.

Basically, my boyfriend wants to be able to feed the baby so he can take the baby places by himself. There is a dad meet up with the antenatal dads at the pub where they are all bringing their babies. Boyfriend is really annoyed that he either 1. Won’t be able to take the baby 2. I will have to be there in some capacity (I have suggested me coming, sitting on the other side of the pub with a friend not related to the antenatal group and bf can pass me the baby if he gets hungry. He is eating every 2 hours at the moment, however this can be shorter in the evenings). Boyfriend thinks I’m being extremely selfish in not letting me introduce a bottle to the baby and that I should compromise. My concerns to introducing a bottle are:

1. It will fall on me to do all the washing, sterilising etc. I explicitly asked if we introduced a bottle would my boyfriend also take care of the prep work - he said no, this would be split. I explained to him this included researching formula, finding and buying bottles, cleaning and sterilising and making sure baby is burped afterwards.
2. With pumping, I feel like it’s not exactly giving me a ‘break’ it’s just transferring the work. I don’t want to have to find the time to pump, then store etc.
3. This one is a bit silly but I’m afraid of baby preferring bottle over breast and rejecting breast
4. Feeding is the ONE AND ONLY thing that is exclusive to me. Boyfriend can bond in so many different ways - changing, playing etc. At the moment, boyfriend changes a nappy maybe once every three days (and never one with poo). I let boyfriend stay in bed until 9 (bf works from home) whilst I am up with our son from 6. I do 99% of the child rearing. In a stubborn way, I am apprehensive of relinquishing this one thing that only I can do.
5. I am already ‘compromising’ on other aspects of childcare, for example boyfriend wants baby out of our room 6 months exactly (even going so far as to ‘joking’ that on midnight of his 6 months he will go into his room). I wanted him in our room until he was at least 9 months, even up to a year. He is a great sleeper, though I know this can change, so it’s not the fact bf doesn’t get any sleep. In fact, he regularly gets at least 10-11 hours as he doesn’t wake up at all in the night.

To not drip feed, I am taking a year off of work. Baby will be going to a childminder afterwards. Boyfriend earns triple what I do doing a 100% remote 9-5 WFH project management job. I work as a secondary teacher in middle management. Partner thinks that because he earns the money he should have more say. I am completely fine with being attached to the baby for the foreseeable before anyone asks.

Partner is getting increasingly more irate with this topic but I just don’t want to budge. Do I need to give up some of my anxiety?

Your advice is simplistic. Plenty of women, including myself, can't successfully pump. Additionally may have a bottle refusing baby or breastmilk with the enzyme that makes it taste rancid super fast.

I had no choice but to Triple feed our first for the initial 5 months but managed to EBF our second. I found EBF straight from the breast SO MUCH EASIER! My husband supported me completely and just did all other caring duties/housework he could. Babies grow so quickly, your partner will soon be able to take baby away from you for 2-3 hours. Both of our daughters adore their daddy so it definitely didn’t hinder relationship building. He wore them both a lot while they napped. On the night sleep front, both ours wanted us to be near us at night so we haven’t moved them away yet (our youngest is now 13 months). We have a spare room if we wanted some time in the evening to ourselves. Humans are hard wired to be near others, so for us it didn’t feel right moving a little baby away to sleep alone.

I have BF 3 Dcs my eldest DS wouldnt take a bottle, my mother had to spoon feed him if i dared go out! My DD would reluctantly have a bottle if forced to. My youngest DC would do both. Your DP sounds pathetic really and very controlling. As for moving the baby out of the bedroom maybe get him to do the night feeds if hes so keen to get baby on a bottle in his own room, walking up stumbling in the dark warming a bottle and comforting a baby crying for food might sort your partner out he sounds like a complete tosser.

Could you just not pump to fill a bottle, for just one time. He is your child's parent too, and probably wants to show off his child, like the other dads. I don't understand why you are making such a big deal out of it. You made the baby together, the child isn't all yours. Tell him, you will do it as a one off, but if the baby is unsettled to let you know and you could pick up your dc right away.

Far too many women on this thread telling OP to just suck it up and why won't she think about the menz?
JFC! She's doing the most natural thing in the world and doing it well. Leave her alone.
And as for the idiot who thinks most three year olds are going to bed with a bottle? Not in my world, there's absolutely no need for that!

nah… I breastfed both of mine and even though I tried they never took a dummy or bottle… what a fucking ridiculous reason too so he can take your newborn to a dads meet up!!! Fair enough if it was to give you a break but to me it looks as though he wants to just play at being the doting dad! Also he gonna be on the piss at this dads meet up down the pub? Be interested to know what all the other mams were thinking about this… honestly fucking deluded idiot!

also, what job is doing fully remote on approx £120,000 a year?! (Asking for me, also a teacher 😂)

ps congratulations on your baby and with baby moving out at 6 months… nope.. do it when you are ready! My eldest I think was about 9 months… youngest was in a cot next to us until he was 3 then went straight in the bottom bunk bed 😂

No. Why should she?

This, although I don’t agree with the part about it being easy to pump. I had no problem breast feeding but struggled to pump.
6months x how ever many children you have is a long time to not be apart from your baby ever in case it needs to feed. It does become a bit easier once eating solids becomes established but still hard at bedtimes if you continue feeding.
I appreciate the reasons were perhaps not the best from your BF but I think you should consider trying eg 3 bottle feeds a week to give yourself a break and him chance to bond. I do think feeding is a different bond to eg changing a nappy.

Other people dpn't need to feed a baby in order to bond. That is a load of nonsense.

You managed to get a dummy into the situation. I left it too late to introduce bottles and dummies so my Dd just rejected them. Babies usually need to suck to go to sleep so I've been very limited re any socialising.

Why can you not express some milk and get baby to take your milk either from your breast or from a bottle?

I was lucky to have a plentiful supply and a baby who would take milk from me and a bottle.

Read reviews to buy a good pump, it doesn’t need to be an electric one. Once you get the pump properly attached it should be simple to express if you have a good milk supply.

Doing this meant once DS1 was a few months old I could pop out for an hour and know DP could give DS1 a bottle if he was hungry. DS2 was less keen on the bottle but we got there.

As for the rest, take it a day at a time, work on getting him to change nappies. And for moving baby out of your room, see how things are at 6 months rather than borrowing trouble now.

That's going to work well. Baby is out with his father who doesn't look after him that often anyway, in a noisy pub, gets hungry, is suddenly presented with a bottle for the first time. What are the chances that he's just going to accept it quite happily?

It's not surprising that BF rates in the UK are through the floor with so many people queueing up to undermine any woman doing it successfully.

A parents want to introduce a bottle doesn’t mean a baby will take a bottle, my little boob monster won’t entertain a bottle even with fresh pumped milk in. We did try so that my partner could help out, genuine help mind not performative parenting down the pub. My partner bought the bottles and the sterilised and did all the cleaning and sterilising, he also washed and sterilised my pumps.
If you don’t want to then put your foot down! But if you decide to try because he wants you to then it’s his job to buy and clean the bottles pumps etc.

I had really similar discussions with my DH when our son was tiny, but it was more because he wanted to take him at night so I could sleep and he was worried about me getting PPD if I was sleep deprived. He also wanted to take bottles of expressed milk out with us in case our son got hungry in the car when I couldn't breastfeed him.

Anyway - as long as you're happy and baby is healthy and gaining weight well, don't bother introducing a bottle, I found it so much less faff not having to worry about sterilising and remembering bottles going out and all that. You're the one feeding the baby and who'd have to be doing more work if you introduced bottles so sod that. And if you feel it's the best thing for you and baby which I did, nothing selfish about that.

Also if you do want a break at some point when baby's bigger, don't feel bad about pumping and leaving a bottle. But you don't need to do that for your boyfriend's benefit. Totally reasonable to go to the pub and sit elsewhere in case your baby gets hungry.

My opinion...

Absolutely this. The pub stuff is performative!

I don't even know how to sterilise the bottles we got for occasional use - we did six weeks where my DH would give some expressed milk at night. He did absolutely everything to do with the bottles.

You don’t sound unreasonable at all but it’s still early days. Your baby is only 8 weeks old, a very long journey ahead and perhaps best to not be short sighted. I say this from my own experience with my little girl at 6 months got really really really unwell with a temperature for 10 days non stop, she wasn’t feeding obviously as she was sick but wouldn’t go to anyone. I remember being nap trapped and needing to pee so badly that i went with her still attached to me! she is alot older now and again was unwell but wouldn’t go to anyone else so having to change her and myself after she threw up on us both but refused to let go whilst I tried to clean us both so think long term. There is a part of me that wants to say your baby is too young to be away from you on dads night out but then, we know there are family units with 2 dads (in my NCT group) and they cope just fine so not on the fence with that one. As for the sleeping in your room, I think it’s very individual- if your child will have a better nights sleep in their own room, when he is older (say 6 or 9 months old) why wouldn’t you? Would you just keep him in your room because it’s easier for you? I kept mine in until 10 months, I still go check in but we are all sleeping much better and if she didn’t like it I would have kept her with me until whenever she was ready! (Not when I was ready) I would never be ready. Just do what is best for Your baby.

I am not loving this boyfriend of you. What on earth made you want to have a child with him?

@gratedcheeseandham

Well done OP! You’ve done great. Glad it’s gone so well for you!!

You can read your book elsewhere in the pub, or see an friend, and whip your boob out for food if need be. It’s really not that big a deal and so much easier than the alternative.

You may want to switch to a different approach later, just see, but he’s so little at the moment I’d stick as you are.

You can see how the 6 months moving out things goes nearer the time.

Is he always rigid? Keep your eyes open to his behaviour…..

I had a very difficult breast feeding journey and as you say yours is going brilliantly so you should not go to formula just so he can go to the pub on a few dad meet ups, its so selfish. Hes not thinking about whats best for baby.

Your partner should be doing everything to support you to continue breastfeeding, not actively undermining you at every turn. He sounds controlling and frankly insufferable. Tell him to look up the benefits of breastfeeding and tell his parents to look up why the baby should be in your room. Honestly this would drive me mad.

This all sounds very controlling. Bf 'agreed' that baby could go into own room at 6.5 months as opposed to 6 months. 🚩

Sorry in advance, I've read all OP posts but not all the replies so may be repeating someone else. I think he's jealous of the baby. I'm a granny now, have seen it many times unfortunately. Breast feeding makes the jealousy worse somehow, from anecdotal experience, when the baby is a boy. Don't give in to him. He's being a baby himself. Once your son is older he'll be able to parade him around on his own, if he still wants to 🤣 but until then you and what your baby needs should come first. Hope he realises if the DS is moved he'll have to get up in the night too to fetch him for you. He's being selfish and being French doesn't excuse that. Good luck.

This made me laugh. In a cynical sort of way. Thanks for typing this out