AIBU to not want to give a bottle to our EBF baby to benefit my partner?

[gratedcheeseandham]

Would love some opinions because I can see both sides (sort of) and not sure if it’s anxiety from my side or not.

Partner and I have an 8 week out baby who is exclusively breastfed from the breast. He’s had no problems latching at all and I’ve absolutely adored breastfeeding. Baby has never had a problem with my milk, no tummy issues, has only ever gained weight (didn’t lose any weight after birth) and can be fed at the moment in 10 mins. I’ve had no problems with pain or engorgement. I feel extremely lucky that our BF journey has been going well - I am part of an antenatal group where a lot of people have struggled. In said antenatal group, every single baby (10 in total) have been introduced to a bottle, some are completely on formula and some have expressed breastmilk. I want to make it clear I have no problem with however any woman wants to feed her baby, fed is best.

Basically, my boyfriend wants to be able to feed the baby so he can take the baby places by himself. There is a dad meet up with the antenatal dads at the pub where they are all bringing their babies. Boyfriend is really annoyed that he either 1. Won’t be able to take the baby 2. I will have to be there in some capacity (I have suggested me coming, sitting on the other side of the pub with a friend not related to the antenatal group and bf can pass me the baby if he gets hungry. He is eating every 2 hours at the moment, however this can be shorter in the evenings). Boyfriend thinks I’m being extremely selfish in not letting me introduce a bottle to the baby and that I should compromise. My concerns to introducing a bottle are:

1. It will fall on me to do all the washing, sterilising etc. I explicitly asked if we introduced a bottle would my boyfriend also take care of the prep work - he said no, this would be split. I explained to him this included researching formula, finding and buying bottles, cleaning and sterilising and making sure baby is burped afterwards.
2. With pumping, I feel like it’s not exactly giving me a ‘break’ it’s just transferring the work. I don’t want to have to find the time to pump, then store etc.
3. This one is a bit silly but I’m afraid of baby preferring bottle over breast and rejecting breast
4. Feeding is the ONE AND ONLY thing that is exclusive to me. Boyfriend can bond in so many different ways - changing, playing etc. At the moment, boyfriend changes a nappy maybe once every three days (and never one with poo). I let boyfriend stay in bed until 9 (bf works from home) whilst I am up with our son from 6. I do 99% of the child rearing. In a stubborn way, I am apprehensive of relinquishing this one thing that only I can do.
5. I am already ‘compromising’ on other aspects of childcare, for example boyfriend wants baby out of our room 6 months exactly (even going so far as to ‘joking’ that on midnight of his 6 months he will go into his room). I wanted him in our room until he was at least 9 months, even up to a year. He is a great sleeper, though I know this can change, so it’s not the fact bf doesn’t get any sleep. In fact, he regularly gets at least 10-11 hours as he doesn’t wake up at all in the night.

To not drip feed, I am taking a year off of work. Baby will be going to a childminder afterwards. Boyfriend earns triple what I do doing a 100% remote 9-5 WFH project management job. I work as a secondary teacher in middle management. Partner thinks that because he earns the money he should have more say. I am completely fine with being attached to the baby for the foreseeable before anyone asks.

Partner is getting increasingly more irate with this topic but I just don’t want to budge. Do I need to give up some of my anxiety?

Because said partner has manifested pretty odious attitudes about the subject, across the board?

Aye, there is really no need for baby to be there at all, while "proud papa" pours down the pints with his pickled pals.

WOW - rude much. I don't know what you thought you read but I always put my children first and as such they have grown up to be responsible and worthwhile members of society and even have children of their own. So you can clearly see I am coming from a time in the early 1990s when things were done differently.

We did not have the children in our room, it was recommended by medical professionals that we did not do so but this recommendation changed between 2000 and 2005 because of SIDS. Too late for my kids, they were already at junior school.

We also expressed breast milk so that our partners could do night feeds or take the baby out for a short period. This was recommended by health visitors so the mother could have a rest. I followed all the guidance prevalent at the time but you need to appreciate that this was over 3 decades ago and times and guidance changes.

So whatever you may think you are completely and utterly wrong.... and very, very insulting.

It's a 10am meet up?

Anyway none of the babies are going now so the op can continue doing everything thing herself. At least he does all the cooking and has a good wage so all is not lost.

Odious attitudes where? Across which 'board'?

You're loving breastfeeding. And have been very fortunate to have had no issues. Baby loves it. Is gaining weight. And expressing can be a damn pain.

You're clearly really uncomfortable about this. So tell him no.

He just wants to do this because his friends are all doing it down the pub. (🙄) Not because he wants a closer bond with your baby.

To be fair I think both the Mums and the Dads should have a chance to go to the pub and socialise without the babies, but that's another thread. If they want to meet up and show off the babies a cafe would be a much more suitable venue. No one should be getting pickled whilst in sole charge of a baby.

This is the partner who wanted to dismantle the nursery when you were almost at your due date, just so that his friends could sleep in there? And the partner who took annual leave for his friends visiting but not to increase his paternity leave?

Speak to women’s aid. You are in a VERY abusive relationship and don’t seem to realise it!!! He’s controlling and manipulating you!! Coercive control is abuse and also a crime!!

the only nasty selfish one is HIM and not you!!! Get out of there!!’

Oh wow!

@gratedcheeseandham this isn't a healthy relationship. He is not a good partner and sounds financially abusive to boot.

Hopefully the fact you're not married to him will make it easier to leave sooner rather than later.

Putting the BF issue aside, this is not a healthy relationship, there are so many red flags in your OP. If my dd had written a post like yours I would be really concerned and I'd be encouraging her to have some counselling. Your bf is controlling and that is not ok for you or your baby.

The attitude that it is somehow selfish to EBF, to the extent of suggesting it is abusive, is a contributing reason. The attitude that somehow it is better to express, is. The attitude of mums have to be able to be separated from their baby otherwise they’ll regret it, is. The attitude that somehow dads need to feed in order to bond, is. If a man can’t bond with his child without feeding then he is doing something incredibly wrong. This thread is absolutely full of it. Op should be lauded for actually wanting to EBF in a country with absolutely shocking BF rates, not condemned for it.

Some guidelines have changed in the 26 years since DD was born, and I don't find @arethereanyleftatall 's post rude or insulting in the least.

I don't feel the need to justify why I started weaning DD (unsuccessfully) at 16 weeks, because those were the guidelines at the time.

Advances have been made since then and we just need to happily accept them.

I could not love this post more. Absolutely this.

It was the ...

"I am so glad I don’t know any parents in real life who don’t put their children first. I would be horrified."

Implication being that I didn't put my children first. That's pretty insulting whichever way you look at it.

Well said. I couldn't agree more.

Feeding a baby is not the only way to bond with a baby.

Justifying bottle feeding, regardless of whether it is breastmilk or formula, as the only way to bond with a baby is a load of claptrap.

My dad loved feeding me, and liked bonding while my mum had a break, and when you go back to work/do your own thing, it's handy for anyone to be able to help out.
I would always introduce a bottle anyway asap, because what about when there's an emergency? After my second baby, I had to go to AE, and she had to be fed-worrying if she'd take a bottle from grandad and if suddenly being chucked on formula would upset her, could have made a stressful situation far worse.
And he's not wrong you should also know and discuss sterilising/type of bottle etc-she's your baby too, though it's fine for him to do most of the work, as obviously you're doing all the breastfeeding.

All the while insisting she continues to pay 50/50 of costs, when she is losing out on a years pay and pension......and him earning 3 times what she does.

Utterly shameful behaviour.

Where I come from that would 100% be called financially abusive.

If it was our daughter we would be absolutely appalled.

I really hope the OP has some support.
It is not clear what age she is but it certainly reads to me as a lovely mother who has settled for a mean, petty, lazy, selfish arse.

He's no prize as a father or as a partner, and she could be better off un married.

She certainly shouldn't ever entertain going to France.

An 8 year long thread has only recently concluded when an English women tried to divorce her manipulative, abusive, mean French husband.

The judicial system for divorce is a long drawn out nightmare, where his dragging out his abuse of her was facilitated at every turn.

OP, continue breastfeeding as long as you like, you are doing brilliantly, and keep your family and friends close.

I wouldn't trust him as far as I would throw him.

Meanness goes to the core of a man.
Financially abusing a new mother is the lowest of the low.

I found breastfeeding extremely easy and convenient. Pumping was incredibly difficult. Often nothing came out, or I’d pump for 20 minutes and have about 45 ml. Also, when I did manage to pump properly and put the milk in the freezer, the taste changed and my baby wouldn’t drink it, as we discovered when I went out one day. My partner felt awful that he couldn’t feed or comfort his baby but he recognised that pumping wasn’t going to work out. Your partner s seems to be making it about him and what he wants, rather than what is best for his baby.

Oh and absolutely do not agree to move to France with him! Financial abuse is already a massive problem here.... you would be trapped.

IMO if the mother is breastfeeding then she absolutely calls the shots on how the baby is fed.

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

Very well said. The fact a woman is being called controlling and selfish for EBFing her baby is honestly mind-blowing.

"Partner thinks that because he earns the money he should have more say."

There's your problem.

I breastfed all of mine, was a member of Le Leche and various other breastfeeding advocacy groups and I have never seen this cited, either anecdotally, or in literature as a reason that rates are low. The vast majority of women who attempt BF then stop earlier than anticipated is difficulties in BF (painful nipples/latch/mastitis/engorgement)and feeling very overwhelmed and exhausted because it falls solely on them. Lack of practical family support is also an issue. Nowhere have I said OP is selfish to breastfeed, and I don't think anyone else has either. OP herself said that she doesn't want to even entertain her DPs request of one bottle of expressed milk per week because this is something she "has over him". That is the controlling bit IMO. This isn't just her partner, he is also the father of the baby. If it was the other way around posters would be telling her to contact women's aid as he is controlling her.

Women's breasts were designed for feeding their babies.
Are people maintaining that exclusively breastfed babies do not bond well with their fathers?
Who cares what the boyfriend wants!
Women's bodies were designed to nourish their babies after birth.
Thank god we have formula and bottles for those babies who aren't able to be breastfed and for the women who don't want to.
To not breastfeed your child just because a man wants to have a go is beyond fucking ridiculous.