AIBU to not want to give a bottle to our EBF baby to benefit my partner?

[gratedcheeseandham]

Would love some opinions because I can see both sides (sort of) and not sure if it’s anxiety from my side or not.

Partner and I have an 8 week out baby who is exclusively breastfed from the breast. He’s had no problems latching at all and I’ve absolutely adored breastfeeding. Baby has never had a problem with my milk, no tummy issues, has only ever gained weight (didn’t lose any weight after birth) and can be fed at the moment in 10 mins. I’ve had no problems with pain or engorgement. I feel extremely lucky that our BF journey has been going well - I am part of an antenatal group where a lot of people have struggled. In said antenatal group, every single baby (10 in total) have been introduced to a bottle, some are completely on formula and some have expressed breastmilk. I want to make it clear I have no problem with however any woman wants to feed her baby, fed is best.

Basically, my boyfriend wants to be able to feed the baby so he can take the baby places by himself. There is a dad meet up with the antenatal dads at the pub where they are all bringing their babies. Boyfriend is really annoyed that he either 1. Won’t be able to take the baby 2. I will have to be there in some capacity (I have suggested me coming, sitting on the other side of the pub with a friend not related to the antenatal group and bf can pass me the baby if he gets hungry. He is eating every 2 hours at the moment, however this can be shorter in the evenings). Boyfriend thinks I’m being extremely selfish in not letting me introduce a bottle to the baby and that I should compromise. My concerns to introducing a bottle are:

1. It will fall on me to do all the washing, sterilising etc. I explicitly asked if we introduced a bottle would my boyfriend also take care of the prep work - he said no, this would be split. I explained to him this included researching formula, finding and buying bottles, cleaning and sterilising and making sure baby is burped afterwards.
2. With pumping, I feel like it’s not exactly giving me a ‘break’ it’s just transferring the work. I don’t want to have to find the time to pump, then store etc.
3. This one is a bit silly but I’m afraid of baby preferring bottle over breast and rejecting breast
4. Feeding is the ONE AND ONLY thing that is exclusive to me. Boyfriend can bond in so many different ways - changing, playing etc. At the moment, boyfriend changes a nappy maybe once every three days (and never one with poo). I let boyfriend stay in bed until 9 (bf works from home) whilst I am up with our son from 6. I do 99% of the child rearing. In a stubborn way, I am apprehensive of relinquishing this one thing that only I can do.
5. I am already ‘compromising’ on other aspects of childcare, for example boyfriend wants baby out of our room 6 months exactly (even going so far as to ‘joking’ that on midnight of his 6 months he will go into his room). I wanted him in our room until he was at least 9 months, even up to a year. He is a great sleeper, though I know this can change, so it’s not the fact bf doesn’t get any sleep. In fact, he regularly gets at least 10-11 hours as he doesn’t wake up at all in the night.

To not drip feed, I am taking a year off of work. Baby will be going to a childminder afterwards. Boyfriend earns triple what I do doing a 100% remote 9-5 WFH project management job. I work as a secondary teacher in middle management. Partner thinks that because he earns the money he should have more say. I am completely fine with being attached to the baby for the foreseeable before anyone asks.

Partner is getting increasingly more irate with this topic but I just don’t want to budge. Do I need to give up some of my anxiety?

Frankly my dear, I’d give up the boyfriend.

He is supposed to be doing everything possible to support breastfeeding, not trying to sabotage his child’s feeding with selfish requests.

If you do choose to introduce a bottle for his convenience, he absolutely should be washing and sterilizing everything from pump parts to bottles. We had to pump and use an SNS early on. My husband washed every pump part and sterilized the tubing and the SNS again and again. He did it around the clock. He knew it was his job.

I do see your point about the extra work (for you) and yes he sounds a bit lazy and controlling, but you've chosen him and presumably are happy with him. So why not let him have this one small thing?

So he wants to introduce all of this so he can perform fatherhood for his buddies?

Honestly, you’ve not said anything in this post that makes him sound like father of the year material. With you carrying all real responsibility for the baby, the least he could do is volunteer to sort things out for bottle feeding, if that is what he wants.

While it is fine to have an ambition that the baby will be in their own room from six months, would I be wrong in thinking that’s because he’s focused on getting your sex life back on track? And is this potentially also a factor he’s not admitting in the whole breast versus bottle debate: that he wants your boobs to himself again?

It may be that he has many fine qualities and that you’ve not mentioned them here. But right now he sounds unpleasant and unhelpful, and I would be thinking seriously about putting things in place to plan my exit. This doesn’t sound like it will work out long term, and if it does come to an end, he’s already showing you how well he will handle it. Thinking he has more say because he earns more money is a massive red flag, even without the rest.

At the very least he’s selfish. I’m not going to issue an LTB because we’ve very little to go on here, but I do worry for you.

Is it a small thing?

OP, I would want my partner to show a lot more willing to do other things before I would make more work for myself. What if you baby does a poo when he's at the pub?

1. It will fall on me to do all the washing, sterilising etc. I explicitly asked if we introduced a bottle would my boyfriend also take care of the prep work - he said no, this would be split. I explained to him this included researching formula, finding and buying bottles, cleaning and sterilising and making sure baby is burped afterwards.

Really?

Christ, has this utter tool got any redeeming qualities. He’s a selfish, self absorbed prick who does nothing to care for his baby on a day to day basis but wants you to express milk so he can show off to his mates how marvellous and involved he is. Ditch the idiot now, he will make your life an utter misery.

That’s exactly what I said to him and then reiterated that our son is not a prop.

Partner is from France where they have low breastfeeding rates, so all his friends back home introduce the bottle so it’s in engrained into him that it is what is the done thing. His parents were round to visit last week who asked about the bottle question as well and then asked partner if I have PPD (?!)

His parents also wondering why baby is not in his own room already but honestly that’s a whole other thing. I have wondered but haven’t asked if it’s to do with sex life so will go from that angle. Partner is otherwise supportive although I have made it seem like he isn’t, and he does need to step up. I wonder if he has some form of anxiety that he inherently knows that he isn’t doing enough and therefore wants to ‘prove’ to himself and others that he is doing something by feeding, but then won’t do any of the actual leg work behind it. Bf has admitted he believes when baby is in the toddler stage he’ll find it much easier as they are more interactive.

And BTW, expressing milk is not easy. It's a fucking slog. I know people whose babies are EBF, along with my own. It's not always as easy as expressing once to fill a bottle. You might find you have to express 4-5 times just to get enough milk for one bottle at the pub!

The 6 month thing is stupid. Why should the baby be put away from you just because, what, he wants sex? It seems that way. Do you want that? Don't be forced into it. Your baby will also be bf then too. Again, making YOUR life harder by having to get baby from another room multiple times a night. In the winter too, when it is colder.

And the money thing is manipulative. He needs to be told that you are a family now- what he earns is not a bargaining tool. It is money you have together for family stuff.

Overall, he does sound quite controlling. Does he have redeeming qualities?
Watch out here, OP. There's nothing I hate to see more than a man who wants to keep a baby and mum apart for his own selfishness and this is reeking of that.

Did you have any inkling this is what he would be like as a ‘father’?
what happens if baby won’t take a bottle ?
aren’t they supposed to be in the same room as you until they are one?
he is not being an equal parent , he doesn’t get to show off to his mates and pretend otherwise.
Please don’t have any more children or your workload will double.

What about the future? Will his big bollocks job prevent him from doing school / nursery runs? Taking time off when the baby is ill?

He sounds rubbish. Baby is 2 months old and he hasn’t done many nappy changes. His attitude is very poor and I don’t think this relationship will be a happy one going forward. Poor you and poor baby. 😢

Don’t have more kids with this man.

I tried expressing etc and it was massively time-consuming, difficult and uncomfortable. My mum gave DC1 a bottle when DH and I went out for a quick dinner date once but it was too much hassle to bother trying again when I could just be really easily.

I would be very cautious about trying to express etc especially if your boyfriend is not stepping up with things like nappy changing etc.

Him thinking he gets more say because he earns more money is really very worrying though.

Your boyfriend doesn't sound very nice OP. Also even if you do buy all the bottles, pump etc there is no guarantee that your baby will take it. Mine didn't!

So he wants you to do more work so he can go to the pub with his mates and pretend to be an involved dad.

NGL I'm pretty sure by 8 weeks I still hadn't changed a nappy of DS2 (DS1 had a different dad, very much like your current partner). My job was establishing breastfeeding.

Introducing a bottle can massively impact breastfeeding. Pumping is an utter ball ache. Washing bottles is a ball ache. I don't personally know anyone that has managed to maintain mixed feeding for long but I do know a couple of mums that pumped exclusively for a year from my baby group, I think they're fucking heroic tbh. You're very lucky if baby will take a once a week bottle. They either won't take it or they start to refuse the breast.

My DH was sad he couldn't feed our baby, so we did try a bottle a few different times, and a few different bottles. But he was a very hands on dad who did all the work and I had pumped anyway because I was over engorging and my tits felt like they were going to explode so we had a few bags of breast milk anyway. Baby wouldn't take it at all. Not at all. Not any type of bottle, he wouldn't even put it in his mouth.

Your partner will be very pissed if he's at the pub with his mates and his baby is screaming hungry and he can't feed him. And your baby will be distressed.

Does he do any of the burping?

Any man that won't change is baby's nappy isn't worth shit in my book TBF. I'd reccomend just holding firm and saying "if you want to bond with your baby you can read to her, change her nappy, do her bath times, burp her after I've nursed, rock her when shes crying."

My DH got 3 months off, which obviously helped alot. But even once he was back at work he would get up in the night with DS, bring him to me to feed, then burp him, change him and settled him back to sleep. If he was crying for anything not hunger related he was the one that walked up and down the living room rocking him. And he's now currently laid asleep with our two boys cuddling him while I'm up Doom scrolling because I'm pregnant and can't sleep.

Your partner ain't worth shit, don't have another baby with him for starters. And don't give yourself extra work so he can pretend to be an involved father.

Tbh his 'parenting' all sounds a bit performative. He wants to look like a good dad to others and have all the social benefits, but behind closed doors it doesn't sound like he is that interested.

If this was about an actual genuine desire to bond with the baby through feeding then my response here might be different (although even then, you and baby are the most important in this scenario - his needs are very much third in line).

But, it sounds like he only cares so he can look like a good dad in front of his mates. He won't take on the sterilising work - so basically wants you to do a massive amount more work than you're already doing - and won't even change a pooey nappy? Won't accept that you might still want the baby in your room after 6 months. WTF.

And I bet he would not be regularly feeding the baby at home, either.

Hard no from me I'm afraid. What you are doing is working and this is a pathetic reason to change it. Show him this thread if he continues.

My partner expressed preferences in some of these areas - like wanting to be able to feed - but that was from a genuine desire to bond, and it was always a joint decision (and really, I had the final say). We did introduce a bottle and always planned to, but if I'd have said no, I'm not comfortable with that, he would have 100% respected it. If I'd have said I want to exclusively breastfeed and it's working, that would have been fine.

He also wanted the baby to be in his own room and avoid too much co-sleeping, but I was actually on the same page and I made the decision when it happened. That is a big step as a mum and it shouldn't be rushed.

Sorry but your partner sounds performative and entitled. I would be having none of it, he can step up and change some bloody nappies before he starts making stupid demands like this.

Firstly- your partner sounds like a selfish kn*b who hasn't earned a say.

I've had a really positive breastfeeding but I was keen to introduce a bottle of expressed milk around 6 weeks so I could have the freedom to go out/do KIT days if I wanted to. I used a haakaa on the opposite side to the one my baby was feeding on in the first two feeds of the morning (when my supply was highest) to collect milk so I didn't have to spend any extra time pumping and it was much easier to clean than an electric pump. My baby happily took a bottle when needed from 6 weeks until 10 months. He's 11 months now and has never needed to have formula but I've still had the freedom to go to the gym or socialise in the evening when I want to.

My bigger concern for you is your partner though- he sounds incredibly unsupportive and doesn't sound like he'd be willing to take the baby in those scenarios.

My husband still does most of the poo nappies because I've breastfed. As a newborn, he'd stay up late with the baby downstairs even when he had to get up early in the morning for work so I could get a few hours of undisturbed sleep at the start of the night. When the baby would settle for him (now only wants breast) he'd do lots of the night wakes. He did pretty much all of the bottle washing.

We're very much on the same page that this is OUR baby and he needs to support me when he's at home so I can be the best version of myself for our baby when he's at work.

First comment nails it.

Whatever you do, don't be bullied into bowing to your boyfriend's wants regarding feeding. It sounds like you're doing amazingly.

I’d stop discussing things like where baby will sleep. At best you’re having an argument about something that is 4 months off. You don’t really know how either of you will feel then. We moved my baby at 4 months purely because she was so big she was more comfortable in a full cot.

On the feeding it’s well established that breast is best and there is lots of information about the health and nutrition benefits. I would just present him with that and ask why does he want to deny your baby that.

He doesn't sound great, although the French background explains some of his attitude. However, I'm going to go against the grain here and say that you are being controlling in not letting him bottle feed the baby once a week in order to attend the meet up. You sitting across the room will have him on edge, if a woman posted that people will immediately be screaming DV.
Feeding a baby does facilitate bonding, it's very much in the literature. I personally think it's selfish of you to not want to relinquish one feed per week to him. I've pumped and if you have a good supply then pumping with an electric pump whilst you are feeding on the other side shouldn't be too much of an effort. Get him to invest in a very good pump.
The pair of you seem to have very mismatched ideas about child rearing, some of which are cultural on his part, so I imagine this is only going to be the start of issues.

If you agreed to a bottle - would your performative boyfriend at his little boys club actually bother to change the baby if he pooed ?

think you have far bigger issues re. The baby and boyfriend than bottles.

he needs to start pulling his weight around you both at home and not just think of how he can put in a shoe of being such a great dad once a week.

Just no. You’ve offered a compromise and he’s not interested in meeting in the middle so don’t feel you need to give this anymore thought.

Sounds like you’re doing a great job with breastfeeding, your baby is thriving and you’re enjoying it. And I think you should prioritise having that time and connection with your baby as a little reward for doing 99% of the hard graft. Why disrupt that and create more work for yourself to appease a selfish partner? Plus your baby is still tiny, even if you were formula feeding you might not feel comfortable being away from him for long which is totally reasonable.

You feel strongly about this and you’re not wrong so stand your ground, not everything is worthy of debate.

Is he looking after you? Your home? Cooking? Cleaning? What is he contributing to the partnership currently? It’s early days as first time parents, it’s a huge adjustment but it doesn’t sound like he’s pulling his weight. This feeding thing seems a bit of a red herring, there are bigger things that need addressing. His attitude to money for a start - what do you mean that ‘he earns more so thinks he should have more say’? More say in what?

I'm gonna say I think YABU slightly I am breastfeeding and I love it. I love the bonding etc. And agreed initially with you that my partner can bond in other ways however after few weeks my partner felt like he wanted to be able to feed baby to bond and help settle him. So I express for one bottle a day and sometimes not even that. But it helps my partner to feel more including. With regards to the pub, I think it's great your partner wants to go out and show off both your child. It's him being proud I assume. I think in these early days it's so important to work together.

I now have a freezer stash and it was lucky as I ended up in hospital and it meant I didn't need to turn to formula. We also have a wedding coming up and it means my mom can have him overnight.

Trust me if anything your child will reject the bottle not the boob. We went through 3 different bottle brand sand in end settled on MAM bottles and Lansinoh teets. Instead of seeing it as work, i pump on other breast first thing in morning while he's feeding on other side. Or during one night feed in early hours. It only took few mins to transfer over to the bag.

I could be wrong and just projecting as I don't know your partner but that's how my partner felt and I could see his side of things. Plus the sleeping thing, don't worry about it he probably will change his mind at 6 months but I was initially like your partner and now I don't want him moved at 6 months. But I did joke saying soon as 6 months comes he's out too. I could see my partner struggling a bit with not being able to settle him due to not being able to feed him and felt it was important to see how he felt too. I would say to him - if you want this, you have to do all the sterilising etc.

Baby is only eight weeks old!! He needs to slow down. Baby’s needs are more important than his needs.

Accepting that is what makes him a good dad, not the ability to stick a bottle in baby’s mouth.

You’re absolutely right - stick to your guns on this, it’s a hill worth dying on. Mine were EBF until 6 ish months and it saved sooooo much time and energy, helped bonding, my MH as I could sleep much better not having to fully wake up to feed etc. Put a single bed in baby’s room at 6 months and sleep in there if BF is being selfish. It’s nice he wants to take baby out but little and often for yours and baby’s sake is fine and to be lauded not something to scarified EBF for, for his social life.
How are you responding to his request? It’s selfish in the extreme and frankly outrageous - I’d be worried about his parenting potential if he’s already pushing for such a negative disruption just to benefit himself. He can go for an hour and then you can collect baby or whatever - he is utterly wrong on this.

So he wants to introduce all of this so he can perform fatherhood for his buddies?

Yes, why is he not trying to do his bit in other ways? This relentless picking and bargaining over who does what is not a healthy partnership. And your being there at another table is a perfectly good compromise.

In his favour though: I do think the fact he's French is a bit relevant here. If their cultural norms are different those expectations can be pretty powerful. Although given how you've found breastfeeding I wouldn't be wanting to give formula.

The other thing I'd say is there are advantages to teaching the baby to take a bottle. My mum regretted not doing it with me because it meant she couldn't go out for the evening. Second time around she still breastfed but the bottle was there.