AIBU to not want to give a bottle to our EBF baby to benefit my partner?

[gratedcheeseandham]

Would love some opinions because I can see both sides (sort of) and not sure if it’s anxiety from my side or not.

Partner and I have an 8 week out baby who is exclusively breastfed from the breast. He’s had no problems latching at all and I’ve absolutely adored breastfeeding. Baby has never had a problem with my milk, no tummy issues, has only ever gained weight (didn’t lose any weight after birth) and can be fed at the moment in 10 mins. I’ve had no problems with pain or engorgement. I feel extremely lucky that our BF journey has been going well - I am part of an antenatal group where a lot of people have struggled. In said antenatal group, every single baby (10 in total) have been introduced to a bottle, some are completely on formula and some have expressed breastmilk. I want to make it clear I have no problem with however any woman wants to feed her baby, fed is best.

Basically, my boyfriend wants to be able to feed the baby so he can take the baby places by himself. There is a dad meet up with the antenatal dads at the pub where they are all bringing their babies. Boyfriend is really annoyed that he either 1. Won’t be able to take the baby 2. I will have to be there in some capacity (I have suggested me coming, sitting on the other side of the pub with a friend not related to the antenatal group and bf can pass me the baby if he gets hungry. He is eating every 2 hours at the moment, however this can be shorter in the evenings). Boyfriend thinks I’m being extremely selfish in not letting me introduce a bottle to the baby and that I should compromise. My concerns to introducing a bottle are:

1. It will fall on me to do all the washing, sterilising etc. I explicitly asked if we introduced a bottle would my boyfriend also take care of the prep work - he said no, this would be split. I explained to him this included researching formula, finding and buying bottles, cleaning and sterilising and making sure baby is burped afterwards.
2. With pumping, I feel like it’s not exactly giving me a ‘break’ it’s just transferring the work. I don’t want to have to find the time to pump, then store etc.
3. This one is a bit silly but I’m afraid of baby preferring bottle over breast and rejecting breast
4. Feeding is the ONE AND ONLY thing that is exclusive to me. Boyfriend can bond in so many different ways - changing, playing etc. At the moment, boyfriend changes a nappy maybe once every three days (and never one with poo). I let boyfriend stay in bed until 9 (bf works from home) whilst I am up with our son from 6. I do 99% of the child rearing. In a stubborn way, I am apprehensive of relinquishing this one thing that only I can do.
5. I am already ‘compromising’ on other aspects of childcare, for example boyfriend wants baby out of our room 6 months exactly (even going so far as to ‘joking’ that on midnight of his 6 months he will go into his room). I wanted him in our room until he was at least 9 months, even up to a year. He is a great sleeper, though I know this can change, so it’s not the fact bf doesn’t get any sleep. In fact, he regularly gets at least 10-11 hours as he doesn’t wake up at all in the night.

To not drip feed, I am taking a year off of work. Baby will be going to a childminder afterwards. Boyfriend earns triple what I do doing a 100% remote 9-5 WFH project management job. I work as a secondary teacher in middle management. Partner thinks that because he earns the money he should have more say. I am completely fine with being attached to the baby for the foreseeable before anyone asks.

Partner is getting increasingly more irate with this topic but I just don’t want to budge. Do I need to give up some of my anxiety?

The silly point you make is in fact the most important non silly one! I pumped and bottle fed for a few occasions and the return to breast was just hell for baby and me, desperately clung on with nipple shields to fool baby with a bottle like nipple feeling...
That was eventually rejected too and i can't ever get that milk rush of hormones back it's such a special and optimal thing for you and baby

'To not breastfeed your child just because a man wants to have a go is beyond fucking ridiculous'

No-one has suggested she stop bf, rather express occasionally as many women do or have done which enables other people to feed the baby.

And as many breastfeeding mothers will testify, it can very often happen that once baby has had a bottle, they no longer want to go back to the breast.
And that makes it extremely difficult to carry on exclusively breastfeeding.
I would not take that risk. Especially for the reasons cited by the boyfriend. Actually I just would not. Especially if I was enjoying breastfeeding and it was going well, and the baby was thriving.
Just no reason to do it!

It sounds as if reality is hitting for the new Dads now!

IME, cultural differences do come to the fore when you have children (my DH and I are also from different cultures), but as long as you both focus on the end goal of having a happy and healthy baby, you'll work it out. He probably doesn't realize that being able to bf easily is a huge plus, not everyone finds it easy (myself included at the start) and that you don't want to rock that boat atm.

Others have disagreed but I did use an electric pump to express milk, and it was nice for DH to be able to feed them sometimes when they were a few months old. So, you might find that it works well for you too and it's certainly not "wrong" to do that if you choose to IYSWIM. Congratulations on your baby!

Well no because how many mothers going to these things have never changed a dirty nappy in 2 months? He wants to parent at the group more than he ever does at home. That's using the baby as a prop and performative parenting.

You are not being unreasonable - and I would have given that answer based purely on the title. Breastfeeding is important to you and the best thing for your baby. Bonding can happen in other ways, as you say.

Having read the detail of your first post, your BF sounds like he is not pulling his weight at all. Your child isn't an accessory to show off in the pub, isn't an inconvenience to be managed (by moving him out at 6 months) and isn't a little person who only needs care outside of working and sleeping hours.

Huge well done on breastfeeding, please carry on as long as YOU and BABY are happy to do so. Please feel free to ignore any opinions from anyone not exclusively breastfeeding, as they just won't understand the dynamic of what you are doing 💐

No-one has suggested she stop bf, rather express occasionally as many women do or have done which enables other people to feed the baby.

But, why should she? The breastfeeder calls the shots.

The breastfeeder?! Surely both parents can be involved.

The baby is doing perfectly well as things stand. Why try to fix what's not broken?

He's not a toy everyone should have a turn with.

I'm baffled by the attitude that babies must take a bottle!

If you can breastfeed easily (which I appreciate not everyone can) it's massively easy and convinient. Whereas pumping and trying to coax them into having a bottle is a massive faff. So it's not really that helpful compared to putting the washing out or changing a nappy or hundreds of other things you can do instead.

It's normal to be with and want to be your baby for the first six months plus. I was able to start leaving mine for longer periods after that as they started weaning and was back at work at 10 months with no bottles needed. Didn't find it particularly hard to do with more than one child also.

Why do other people have to feed the baby though?

There's another thread here where a 30 weeks pregnant woman, experiencing a difficult pregnancy, is being excoriated for not having the capacity to emotionally support her sister who is experiencing the pain of infertility.

Apparently there is nothing so special about pregnancy that 'entitles' a woman to be 'selfish'.

We have been so conditioned to put everyone else ahead of our own needs and deny our own strength that we can't see the deliberate attacks on us for what they are. Women sticking the boot in and shaming other women for putting themselves first and standing up for themselves should take a long, hard look at themselves.

We are not universal mothers and we do not owe the world and its uncle Barney any emotional labour.

@Allswellthatendswelll I think we can all agree that different approaches suit different families.

That's why I advised the OP not to get too frustrated with her partner about his ideas about bottles and where the baby sleeps. He's had a different life experience to her and perhaps his old friends in France are bringing up their children this way.

From her latest update, it sounds as if he's starting to understand what's needed, they'll get there,

He can change baby's nappy, bath baby, massage baby, do skin to skin with baby etc and feed baby when he starts solids. He can be involved in many ways.

He doesn't even change nappies.

Yes, the father of the baby can be involved by making sure the mother is fed nutritious food, and has lots of rest.

He can take over housework, laundry, meal planning, shopping, and cooking, and he can emotionally support the mother by doing all of that without being prompted, given a list of instructions, or a round of applause for behaving like a grownup.

So you'd be doing more work and going to expense to buy bottles etc? Fuck that, the halfarsed tosser. Xxx

This isn't a family chosing to combi feed because it works for them though. This is a man dictating to a woman about when and how to feed her own baby with her own body. In my opinion it's the same as dictating how she can give birth or her reproductive decisions. It isn't a small difference of opinion it's a massive red flag.

@Allswellthatendswelll See her latest update though, he's been helpful and hasn't mentioned bottles at all. I think it's going to be OK.