AIBU to not want to give a bottle to our EBF baby to benefit my partner?

[gratedcheeseandham]

Would love some opinions because I can see both sides (sort of) and not sure if it’s anxiety from my side or not.

Partner and I have an 8 week out baby who is exclusively breastfed from the breast. He’s had no problems latching at all and I’ve absolutely adored breastfeeding. Baby has never had a problem with my milk, no tummy issues, has only ever gained weight (didn’t lose any weight after birth) and can be fed at the moment in 10 mins. I’ve had no problems with pain or engorgement. I feel extremely lucky that our BF journey has been going well - I am part of an antenatal group where a lot of people have struggled. In said antenatal group, every single baby (10 in total) have been introduced to a bottle, some are completely on formula and some have expressed breastmilk. I want to make it clear I have no problem with however any woman wants to feed her baby, fed is best.

Basically, my boyfriend wants to be able to feed the baby so he can take the baby places by himself. There is a dad meet up with the antenatal dads at the pub where they are all bringing their babies. Boyfriend is really annoyed that he either 1. Won’t be able to take the baby 2. I will have to be there in some capacity (I have suggested me coming, sitting on the other side of the pub with a friend not related to the antenatal group and bf can pass me the baby if he gets hungry. He is eating every 2 hours at the moment, however this can be shorter in the evenings). Boyfriend thinks I’m being extremely selfish in not letting me introduce a bottle to the baby and that I should compromise. My concerns to introducing a bottle are:

1. It will fall on me to do all the washing, sterilising etc. I explicitly asked if we introduced a bottle would my boyfriend also take care of the prep work - he said no, this would be split. I explained to him this included researching formula, finding and buying bottles, cleaning and sterilising and making sure baby is burped afterwards.
2. With pumping, I feel like it’s not exactly giving me a ‘break’ it’s just transferring the work. I don’t want to have to find the time to pump, then store etc.
3. This one is a bit silly but I’m afraid of baby preferring bottle over breast and rejecting breast
4. Feeding is the ONE AND ONLY thing that is exclusive to me. Boyfriend can bond in so many different ways - changing, playing etc. At the moment, boyfriend changes a nappy maybe once every three days (and never one with poo). I let boyfriend stay in bed until 9 (bf works from home) whilst I am up with our son from 6. I do 99% of the child rearing. In a stubborn way, I am apprehensive of relinquishing this one thing that only I can do.
5. I am already ‘compromising’ on other aspects of childcare, for example boyfriend wants baby out of our room 6 months exactly (even going so far as to ‘joking’ that on midnight of his 6 months he will go into his room). I wanted him in our room until he was at least 9 months, even up to a year. He is a great sleeper, though I know this can change, so it’s not the fact bf doesn’t get any sleep. In fact, he regularly gets at least 10-11 hours as he doesn’t wake up at all in the night.

To not drip feed, I am taking a year off of work. Baby will be going to a childminder afterwards. Boyfriend earns triple what I do doing a 100% remote 9-5 WFH project management job. I work as a secondary teacher in middle management. Partner thinks that because he earns the money he should have more say. I am completely fine with being attached to the baby for the foreseeable before anyone asks.

Partner is getting increasingly more irate with this topic but I just don’t want to budge. Do I need to give up some of my anxiety?

He thinks he is the boss of you. You need to be the household and baby decision maker. Do not let him move your baby out of the room until one year and make him change nappies.

Are they actually drinking in the pub? Seems bizarre.

He think that he has more say over the baby you grew in your own body because he's the higher earner? That's so subtly added towards the end of your post that I wonder have I read it wrong or do you not realise how awful that is? You're in for a rough ride parenting with him. If you're not ready to leave yet I'd strongly suggest making sure you get into a position position you can and never become dependent on him.

Nope, absolutely nope! I EBF 2 children for nearly 18 months each. Neither had a bottle. Stick to your guns. Who would want the palaver of sterilising bottles and mixing formula? That's insane.

I'm not surprised that the Dads have decided against taking the babies to the pub. That sounded like a really odd plan. I've been really good friends with my antenatal group for 12 years now and we meet up regularly in various configurations but the Dads never took the newborn babies to the pub themselves! It's good that they are meeting up though because having social support as a new parent is invaluable.

Great update.

my ex was like this - note ex. Did everything to undermine my parenting and breastfeeding. It was a clear warning of how much his behaviour would escalate, and it did to stratospheric proportions. Pls dump him already.

OP, I’m sorry but your situation sounds grim.

The whole dynamic between the OP and her DP sounds very mismatched and incompatible, but he does not seem to be doing anything to undermine her breastfeeding. Asking to feed the baby once per week out of a possible 100 feeds is not undermining anything.

That is not normal behaviour tbh. My husband loved that I BF our DC and encouraged our journey! He would never have come in between it or done something just to benefit himself.

I can't fathom posts like yours that don't allow baby the opportunity to bond with both their mother and father by being fed by them both.

If your let down doesn't work well wth expressing, then of course baby being fed is the priority. I, and I'm certain many other women, had no problem with let down during expressing.

Being supportive of a father feeding their child does not equate to being anti breast feeding. What an odd conclusion you've made there.

and feeding is the only way to bond with your baby? Most men I know have whose partners BF are supportive and proud. Not stamping there feet at one element but of patenting?

Can I ask if you have actually BF?

Continue EBF as you enjoy it and it is going well. I had to pump to supplement after an illness and I hated it - all the faff with sterilising etc, pumping itself being horrible (took me ages to get a decent volume of milk) etc.

We did sometimes use the ready mixed formula bottles and I would recommend those over a big tub of formula as it isn't going to be used often. Didn't use much though as I found it very uncomfortable to skip feeds especially early on

Not at all. But being able to meet all baby's basic needs is important for both parents to do. It's not fair to baby, or Dad, that Mum is gatekeeping this area.

Yes, I BF 2 babies for at least a year each.Their Dad did at least 1 feed a day, as it was a non negotiable to us that their dad was able to meet his children's basic needs from about week 3. I expressed at least once a day most days to enable this to happen. I also built up a stock of frozen milk.

Dad took as much responsibility for his children as I did around our jobs because he was Dad from day 1. He was never the second class parent - we didn't believe such a thing should exist, but MN has opened my eyes to the craziness that some mum's think dad gets less say as he didn't grow the baby. He's still an equal parent.

Dad always did a feed around 10pm in the early days, meaning I got a solid sleep from 8pm until 2am.

You and your experience?

Not an odd conclusion at all, a perfectly logical one based on what you said. Dads can bond with their breastfed babies and have done so for literally thousands of years.
Reading some of the answers on here it’s no wonder breastfeeding rates are so low. The implication that women who want to breastfeed are being selfish and hoarding all the bonding for themselves! Ridiculous.

Well not that it’s a competition but yes I BF both mine for over a year. I couldn’t express past 8wks with the first and not at all with my second, and whilst my exH is an arse to give him credit he made cold drinks, sandwiches and generally looked after me when I was feeding and looked after baby when I was sleeping or showering. We didn’t even discuss a bottle because it felt like a very small thing and also HE thought BF was best.

I don't know about recommendations in other countrys but here in Germany it is very strongly recommended to not let the baby sleep in a room without an adult during the night until age 1, due to sleeping in their own room alone for the deep sleep during the late night and early morning hours is linked to an increased risk of SIDS.

Other than that your boyfriend sounds shit and controlling. How much money one partner makes in relation to the other does not give them more say in any decisions. Just saying that would make me end the relationship.

Really baffled by some of the opinions on this thread.

Breast feeding is lovely, I feel lucky that I was able to overcome initial difficulties with my first and had no problems with DC2. But it’s also exhausting, ties the mother to the baby day and night and is difficult if not impossible once the subsequent DCs come along.

Given this, why wouldn’t anyone welcome a partner who wants to play a part in feeds?

I started to read your post thinking it would end with giving advice about feeding (I EBF but she did have one expressed bottle per day which, on balance, was a good thing but not an amazing thing!) but your partner sounds awful in so many different ways!

Fill in the Checklist for Gender Equality in Your Everyday Life published by a Swedish local authority (Skåne). Your partner needs to stop living in the French 1980s.

https://www.scribd.com/document/574111281/checklist-for-gender-equality-in-your-everyday-life

The World Health Organisation and UNICEF recommend breastfeeding for a minimum of 6 months and up to 2 years.
https://www.who.int/news/item/31-07-2026-countries-urged-to-strengthen-breastfeeding-support-and-health-systems-to-give-every-child-a-healthy-start-in-life there is a French version if he wants to be told in French that he is wrong.

But from everything the OP has said he doesn’t seem particularly fussed about bonding with the baby, this is purely about what the other men in the group are (were) doing. If it was a genuine desire to share care, then it would be something they need to discuss. In this instance I’d say it’s not. He barely changes a nappy, doesn’t get up a minute before he has to in order to help his partner or you know parent his child. He could wake at 8, have an hour with baby, while his partner gets to have a leisurely bath/shower, something to eat and prepare herself for the day. He could even wake up earlier a couple of times a week and allow OP to go back for sleep for a couple of hours.

If it was to do with bonding and supporting OP he would have suggested expressing/formula so he could do a night feed to give her a break.

I liked your suggestion about sitting on the other side of the pub with a friend just in case. It gives you a night out, and you can tell DP that he can brag to his buddies about how he never has to get up in the night to feed his baby (while remaining quiet about all the stuff he doesn’t do).

Remember you're only getting the OPs side.

I don't know if it's the case here, but I've known of several couples through the years where Mum says Dad doesn't/won't x,y,z and Dad says I try but you don't let me or insist your way is the right and only way because you're mum and you have been told you always know best.

I saw why they gave up trying in their cases.

It may be the case in OPs relationship, it may not. The insistence on EBF by mum and not letting Dad feed his child means I'd also like to hear Dad's version of what's going on here.

If it's not a competition, I wonder why you asked me about my experience then? It must have mattered to you to ask, so I thought I'd reciprocate as it seemed to be so important to you.

So both of us were in agreement with our partners about feeding our child. Excellent.

The OP isn't. It needs a discussion with her OP, not a thread on MN, which will make mum feel justified in her insistence she keeps feeding just for her.

well she will have dodged a bullet if she dumps him now then won't she?