AIBU to not want to give a bottle to our EBF baby to benefit my partner?

[gratedcheeseandham]

Would love some opinions because I can see both sides (sort of) and not sure if it’s anxiety from my side or not.

Partner and I have an 8 week out baby who is exclusively breastfed from the breast. He’s had no problems latching at all and I’ve absolutely adored breastfeeding. Baby has never had a problem with my milk, no tummy issues, has only ever gained weight (didn’t lose any weight after birth) and can be fed at the moment in 10 mins. I’ve had no problems with pain or engorgement. I feel extremely lucky that our BF journey has been going well - I am part of an antenatal group where a lot of people have struggled. In said antenatal group, every single baby (10 in total) have been introduced to a bottle, some are completely on formula and some have expressed breastmilk. I want to make it clear I have no problem with however any woman wants to feed her baby, fed is best.

Basically, my boyfriend wants to be able to feed the baby so he can take the baby places by himself. There is a dad meet up with the antenatal dads at the pub where they are all bringing their babies. Boyfriend is really annoyed that he either 1. Won’t be able to take the baby 2. I will have to be there in some capacity (I have suggested me coming, sitting on the other side of the pub with a friend not related to the antenatal group and bf can pass me the baby if he gets hungry. He is eating every 2 hours at the moment, however this can be shorter in the evenings). Boyfriend thinks I’m being extremely selfish in not letting me introduce a bottle to the baby and that I should compromise. My concerns to introducing a bottle are:

1. It will fall on me to do all the washing, sterilising etc. I explicitly asked if we introduced a bottle would my boyfriend also take care of the prep work - he said no, this would be split. I explained to him this included researching formula, finding and buying bottles, cleaning and sterilising and making sure baby is burped afterwards.
2. With pumping, I feel like it’s not exactly giving me a ‘break’ it’s just transferring the work. I don’t want to have to find the time to pump, then store etc.
3. This one is a bit silly but I’m afraid of baby preferring bottle over breast and rejecting breast
4. Feeding is the ONE AND ONLY thing that is exclusive to me. Boyfriend can bond in so many different ways - changing, playing etc. At the moment, boyfriend changes a nappy maybe once every three days (and never one with poo). I let boyfriend stay in bed until 9 (bf works from home) whilst I am up with our son from 6. I do 99% of the child rearing. In a stubborn way, I am apprehensive of relinquishing this one thing that only I can do.
5. I am already ‘compromising’ on other aspects of childcare, for example boyfriend wants baby out of our room 6 months exactly (even going so far as to ‘joking’ that on midnight of his 6 months he will go into his room). I wanted him in our room until he was at least 9 months, even up to a year. He is a great sleeper, though I know this can change, so it’s not the fact bf doesn’t get any sleep. In fact, he regularly gets at least 10-11 hours as he doesn’t wake up at all in the night.

To not drip feed, I am taking a year off of work. Baby will be going to a childminder afterwards. Boyfriend earns triple what I do doing a 100% remote 9-5 WFH project management job. I work as a secondary teacher in middle management. Partner thinks that because he earns the money he should have more say. I am completely fine with being attached to the baby for the foreseeable before anyone asks.

Partner is getting increasingly more irate with this topic but I just don’t want to budge. Do I need to give up some of my anxiety?

Just saw your reply, I’m surprised breastfeeding rates are so low in France. Maybe that’s not what he’s used to but that’s what you’re doing and it’s working well so he needs to just get used to it. Did you discuss your plans to breastfeed while you were pregnant? It can be very all consuming at first with cluster feeding but then it stretches out so there’s still plenty of time he can bond with the baby in other ways.

j think you need to try just giving him the baby at home and letting him get on with things himself for a bit. Not to teach him a lesson but to let him learn. Maybe he will find things easier when baby is older, some parents do but he still needs to learn how to parent the current version of the child that you have right now.

Yanbu at all and your plan to be elsewhere in the pub is perfect. Your dp is being a bit of an arse and treating the baby as an accessory for showing off his dad credentials.

Your baby is only 8 weeks old and you are doing brilliantly to still be EBF and if that's working it would be silly to disrupt it for such a fatuous reason.

Once baby is a bit bigger and started to crawl and put random bits of rubbish found under the sofa in his mouth then introducing a bottle might work at that point.

For each of mine, we gave the baby a bottle as the last feed of the day. This was expressed milk. (And I would express whilst the bottle was being given).

This meant my husband had bonding time with the baby. It also meant that the baby got used to the bottle and when was a little older we were able to actually leave them with a babysitter. Finally it was great because I knew baby had had a really decent feed just before bed.

I think you’ll perhaps kick yourself in a few months if you don’t give a bottle ever so often.

I had a baby who absolutely wouldn’t take a bottle or dummy, they gagged badly. Now if I’d needed to go into hospital or something we’d have been in trouble, so I’ve always thought it best to give a baby an occasional bottle. However, in your situation I see a red flag of control, and I think you need to think very carefully about your relationship.

No, no, no.

Why on earth should she?

You have got to be kidding. Did we actually read the same OP? Seems like this is the "one small thing" she hasn't conceded on at this point.

It shouldn’t just be you compromising on things.

I would push back on the moving room. Why should you have to get up and walk for your baby? when they can be next to you?

I used a Hakka pump, (you don’t need to actually pump it sits there and collects) a couple of times a day. My husband gave our daughter a bottle while I had a bath. I started it from about 3 weeks. But that was because I wanted to. I definitely wouldn’t have wanted to do it so he could take her somewhere without me.

My husband did anything he could since I was nursing. He was happy I was. If he was home, he did all nappy changes, got her changed, read to her or played with her on the mat. That is all bonding.

I think it says a lot that he isn’t prepared to do all the sterilising despite being the one who wants it.

Oh the French bit is important - it is a very different approach; a relative has had similar. BUT it doesn’t change the way you feel and want to parent, and there are disadvantages you’ve outlined which are real.

unfortunately the French person I know is also controlling in many other ways. So maybe it’s not being French after all it’s being a dick? If he’s not doing nappies etc and is getting a full nights sleep, what is he taking on in exchange? Or has his life not changed?

Thanks for all the comments so far. There seems to be a general consensus however there are a few comments seeing / agreeing somewhat with his POV so at least I know he’s not being outlandishly unreasonable.

Regarding the money comment, I have addressed this with him. We have a shared account we put proportional amounts in based of our income for the mortgage, bills, food shop etc. When my maternity pay goes down and then stopping, he will obviously be topping it up more than me but I do have my own savings. We have always been firm on the fact we have our own money separate from our joint money and it’s worked for us thus far.

We had a discussion yesterday about the fact that I believe he thinks I am basically on holiday for a year - he sees me going to playgroups and coffee mornings and thinks it’s all fun and games. He was somewhat receptive but I don’t think properly bought into it.

He does 75% of the cooking as he enjoys it and prefers his cooking. We have a fortnightly cleaner (paid 50/50 by us both) but otherwise I do all the daily cleaning (washing up, hoovering, wiping down surfaces). I also do all the laundry.

However, I'm going to go against the grain here and say that you are being controlling inolling not letting him bottle feed the baby once a week in order to attend the meet up.

I can't believe I have just read this.

This has nothing to do with being controlling.

I am staggered at the number of posters who think the OP is being unreasonable.

@gratedcheeseandham stand your ground. Your boyfriend is a selfish nob who wants to treat the baby as a prop. He can go to the pub on his own.

It's not a small thing. Introducing a bottle can cause problems because some breast-fed babies will prefer the bottle as it is easier for them. Breastfeeding is going really well for OP and is very convenient for her and much better for her baby, particularly as she has a partner who does absolutely fuck all.

Boyfriend wants the same toy all his little friends are playing with.

Is there no end to the selfishness and immaturity of men?

If your bf was better at parenting in other areas eg changing nappies, getting up early occasionally, then I'd maybe consider it, but he does sound as though he wants to use your DS as a social prop to meet his buddies.

There does appear to be a clash of cultural norms with regards to parenting (introducing bottles, putting baby in own room) and there needs to be more communication between you around this. Just because that's how he's grown up, doesn't make his way the right way, or the way that must be followed. I'd personally compromise on the room sleeping - 6 months is fine to start sleeping in their own room - but I wouldn't budge on the breastfeeding. Earning more money does not make him a childcare expert.

OP you come across as extremely insightful.

You are absolutely right, boyfriend isn't doing enough. The baby comes to know itself and bond with it's carers through the predictable, repetitive routines of care during the early stages. Your partner can't just skip now and magically expect an amazing bond at toddlerhood.

Changing nappies - including poo - is a huge part of that! So much happens- a feeling of relief; a feeling of wetness and maybe discomfort; the baby learns that they can reliably make something happen by vocalising this; a fascinating face (which we're innately programmed to look out for) comes into the short focal range; talking, singing; more physical feelings and then comfort and closeness held in warm arms. Again and again and again. It's not an interruption to the work of developing a strong parent- child relationship, it IS the work.

When he's on weekends, tea break, and before and after work, boyfriend ought to be hands on with his baby. If he was, you might feel differently about his request!

It’s not a small thing.

Don’t.

@gratedcheeseandham your dp should be pleased that he doesn't have to get up in the night to feed the baby.
In fact you should point out that if dc does take a bottle at any point then dp will be doing half night feeds.

I really don't think your dp understands how fortunate you are as a family that your dc has taken so readily to the breast. Why should you put yourself through unnecessary pumping just so he can use your baby as a show and tell.

On the finances point- you have and will bear the brunt of time out on your career and pensions contributions and savings. You should not - at least on the cash front.

Your partner should be making those contributions and savings that you would otherwise be making for you in this period - or if he has to, reducing his own and making some proportionate contribution to yours. That’s what needs to happen where you have separate finances, especially where unmarried and with no legal protections for you - unless of course you both agree that you’re inferior or if the decision to have a child was yours alone!

My child’s father is also French and we faced the same issues. He was aghast that I wanted a year off work for maternity, and baffled that I didn’t want to use random babysitters.

It is partly cultural but also he’s chosen to be with a British woman and have a child here, so he can suck it up.

Congrats on your breastfeeding! Mine is still cosleeping and breasffeeding at 2 😂

I am speechless, actually. This is all about him and hanging out with the bros, not about supporting you and the baby.

There is no guarantee that an EBF baby will take a bottle in the first place or take one consistently , even if they show willing at this stage of things. Mine had the last feed from a bottle from Wk 3-10 and then resolutely refused ever after. This was in the days of short maternity leaves twenty years ago and it was difficult when getting ready to start nursery at six months, although she would take bottles from them and not us - and this pattern continued until she could drink from a cup, aged one.

I do the same job as you and he will need to step up like an Olympic champion when you go back to work. You have so many early starts, late meetings and parents’ evenings in your role. There will be many, many opportunities for one-to-one time but they don’t involve using the baby as a prop. My strong advice is for you to try to leave the house when he’s in doors for a walk etc because he needs to learn to deal with nappies asap. It’s not the 1950s and if you’re not careful, every day of child illness and every appointment will fall to you down the line and as you well know, having random time off in teaching is problematic and you can’t WFH etc during the day.

I wish you well- it sounds like there are a lot of discussions to be had along the way and this is a period of great readjustment for you both.

I'd express a bottle and encourage him to go to the dad's group. Seeing other dad's be hands on with their babies will help him learn how to be the same.

@gratedcheeseandham who will pay for the childminder when you go back to work?

Tell your partner if you were to introduce the bottle then he could do the night wakings to give you a break. Sure he wouldn’t be too keen then

If he took the baby to the meet up and the baby had an explosive nappy what would he do?

Absolutely not. Why should she?
He can go on his own.

You do sound very highly strung tbh

Oh look. The boyfriend has appeared.

The OP sounds lovely and very sensible.