AIBU to not want to give a bottle to our EBF baby to benefit my partner?

[gratedcheeseandham]

Would love some opinions because I can see both sides (sort of) and not sure if it’s anxiety from my side or not.

Partner and I have an 8 week out baby who is exclusively breastfed from the breast. He’s had no problems latching at all and I’ve absolutely adored breastfeeding. Baby has never had a problem with my milk, no tummy issues, has only ever gained weight (didn’t lose any weight after birth) and can be fed at the moment in 10 mins. I’ve had no problems with pain or engorgement. I feel extremely lucky that our BF journey has been going well - I am part of an antenatal group where a lot of people have struggled. In said antenatal group, every single baby (10 in total) have been introduced to a bottle, some are completely on formula and some have expressed breastmilk. I want to make it clear I have no problem with however any woman wants to feed her baby, fed is best.

Basically, my boyfriend wants to be able to feed the baby so he can take the baby places by himself. There is a dad meet up with the antenatal dads at the pub where they are all bringing their babies. Boyfriend is really annoyed that he either 1. Won’t be able to take the baby 2. I will have to be there in some capacity (I have suggested me coming, sitting on the other side of the pub with a friend not related to the antenatal group and bf can pass me the baby if he gets hungry. He is eating every 2 hours at the moment, however this can be shorter in the evenings). Boyfriend thinks I’m being extremely selfish in not letting me introduce a bottle to the baby and that I should compromise. My concerns to introducing a bottle are:

1. It will fall on me to do all the washing, sterilising etc. I explicitly asked if we introduced a bottle would my boyfriend also take care of the prep work - he said no, this would be split. I explained to him this included researching formula, finding and buying bottles, cleaning and sterilising and making sure baby is burped afterwards.
2. With pumping, I feel like it’s not exactly giving me a ‘break’ it’s just transferring the work. I don’t want to have to find the time to pump, then store etc.
3. This one is a bit silly but I’m afraid of baby preferring bottle over breast and rejecting breast
4. Feeding is the ONE AND ONLY thing that is exclusive to me. Boyfriend can bond in so many different ways - changing, playing etc. At the moment, boyfriend changes a nappy maybe once every three days (and never one with poo). I let boyfriend stay in bed until 9 (bf works from home) whilst I am up with our son from 6. I do 99% of the child rearing. In a stubborn way, I am apprehensive of relinquishing this one thing that only I can do.
5. I am already ‘compromising’ on other aspects of childcare, for example boyfriend wants baby out of our room 6 months exactly (even going so far as to ‘joking’ that on midnight of his 6 months he will go into his room). I wanted him in our room until he was at least 9 months, even up to a year. He is a great sleeper, though I know this can change, so it’s not the fact bf doesn’t get any sleep. In fact, he regularly gets at least 10-11 hours as he doesn’t wake up at all in the night.

To not drip feed, I am taking a year off of work. Baby will be going to a childminder afterwards. Boyfriend earns triple what I do doing a 100% remote 9-5 WFH project management job. I work as a secondary teacher in middle management. Partner thinks that because he earns the money he should have more say. I am completely fine with being attached to the baby for the foreseeable before anyone asks.

Partner is getting increasingly more irate with this topic but I just don’t want to budge. Do I need to give up some of my anxiety?

It isn't small. Its huge. I wish my ebf had gone this well and I wouldn't be interfering with a good bf relationship just so Dad can give him a bottle down the bloody pub!! The baby doesn't have to milk the bottle. He has to work for his breast milk. I think it changes the feeding relationship. Everytime I supplemented with a bottle it was the start of a slippery slope to ending bfeeding.

He thinks because he earns more it should be his decision how baby is fed??? This does not bode well for the future Op, does he try to exert his control over other areas too?

My wife EBFed our kids, and it did feel sad during that time that I couldn’t feed my baby, by that all changed as soon as we started solids, and that was my role, and I loved it, and genuinely our babies started to see me differently when I started feeding them; they would settle more easily, be less sad to be handed to me from their mum.
OP’s partner should realise that’s just a temporary phase, and there’s a thousand other roles and responsibilities and ways to care for you kids in the years ahead

Please don't give in OP. Your BF is being utterly selfish. Baby isn't a prop or toy for him to show off to his mates. He will have plenty of opportunity to bond as baby gets older. Breastfeeding is so beneficial to both baby and mother, and I agree that introducing a bottle can start to interfere with success of BFing.
Please stick to your guns one this one.

Do what is best for you and your baby. Anybody else comes second to that.

Mine was cup fed expressed milk from birth. You get these little sterile cups and either the baby laps like a cat or you can gently pour to encourage them to sip. It doesn't interfere with breastfeeding. Mine never had a bottle.

Once we hit six months we started using regular cups without lids and by nine months they could drink out of a cup on their own.

Your BF needs to realise that babies that small really don't spend a great deal of time away from their Mum.

So his attitude is because he is the higher earner he makes all the decisions...
God im glad im single .. stay breastfeeding he should be encouraging you not trying to change things because he wants to go to the pub and pushing when baby goes in his own room will be when you think he is ready x

What's wrong with people you are so perfect i think you just wanted a baby not bothered if you really wanted to be with him but he has a good job so he will pay for baby when you dump him then you will complain he never did anything for the baby don't worry you can then say how hard it is breastfeeding all the time and a single mum

What's wrong with people you are so perfect i think you just wanted a baby not bothered if you really wanted to be with him but he has a good job so he will pay for baby when you dump him then you will complain he never did anything for the baby don't worry you can then say how hard it is breastfeeding all the time and a single mum

🤨 My Husband is literally the greatest man, husband and father I have ever met. You couldn't pay me enough to dump him. He is an equal parent to our children, as he should be.

It would be a NO from me.
I EBF both my kids, they never had a soother or bottle.
Their dad did bath-time, stories, lots of playing and singing.
It’s only for the first 6 months, then you start introducing solids, and he can be involved in that.
So many people try to blame the mother for not sharing, but breastfeeding is a lovely part of bonding, that it’s okay for the mother to be doing.
My husband sat beside me while I was feeding, he sang to them, he stroked their head, winded them and lifted them if they were crying.
Stay strong.

To echo what everyone has said, it's pretty selfish of him and is acting in his interests and not of his child.
But, you are going to have many battles like this in the future, and this is where a compromise might come in handy, suggest you go to the pub too. Not to sit with the other dads, take your own book or a friend and be on hand for the inevitable feed, passing baby back when the nappy needs changing so he can perform dad of the year again.

Hi op I think until your dp can handle the shitty nappies alone he’s not ready to be set free with baby. Why would you take the baby away from the healthiest thing for baby so dad can show off? Sorry no it’s not how it works it’s not about your anxiety it’s about doing what’s best for you both. There’s plenty of time for showing off remind him breast is best especially as it’s working for both you and baby.

I think you are making it a bigger problem than it is. Just get a cheap wearable breast pump and pump a bottle whenever he wants to take the baby out or when you want to go out. You don't need the baby to be bottle-fed all the time. Appreciate the time off for yourself.

He isn't bringing the baby so he can show off with friends. He wants to be part of the dad journey too. If you want him to be an involved dad, allow him his bonding time with the baby and other dad. It's like if you need to go to a mother's group. All the mums turn up with a baby and you need to turn up with your partner as well.

Give him a bottle and go get your hair done someplace close by he can come to for emergency feed if it doesn't work out.

He’s a horrible selfish cunt. He is putting his own wants before the babies needs

Umm sorry what? This is Mumsnet you plum.

8 weeks probably feels like 100 years right now but in a matter of months your baby will be sitting up and trying solids.

What you are doing in terms of breast feeding sounds so great. I'd be absolutely loathe to upset the apple cart. If you were formula feeding noone would suggest that you sent your baby out intending on breastfeeding for the evening. The boys night out with 8 week olds sounds quite performative all round. And rather bizarre but maybe I am old fashioned!!

I would have killed to have mastered breastfeeding like that. It is so much cheaper to breastfeed... No moral judgement on breast over bottle but he is taking something pretty special for granted.

I'd get him to bond in all of the other ways you describe before upsetting the breastfeeding.

It's quite unusual though to have to be feeding an almost three year old to sleep. With my DD I breastfed exclusively (and still feed her) and I could go out in the evening and let DH put her to bed from about nine months. She just went off with a dummy and a cuddle. When I do stop breastfeeding her she'll have a cup of milk at bedtime anyway so won't matter she's never had a bottle.

Cheap pumps are often crap and the ones that go in your bra are usually more expensive, can be hundreds of pounds. Lots of women can't pump much (I couldn't but my supply was good) especially at first. I found it painful and annoying (absolutely no shade on pumping, I think woman who exclusively pump are amazing). Also why bloody should she if she doesn't want to?

Talk to me when your child is pushing 3 and nearly every child her age is still going to bed with a bottle but you have to be there for every single nighttime.

@Grammarninja I doubt that most three year olds are still getting a bottle. They will be drinking from a cup.

Just get a cheap wearable breast pump and pump a bottle whenever he wants to take the baby out or when you want to go out.

Why should she? If she doesn't want to she shouldn't feel she has to.

Exactly.

I have a 3 year old and he hasn't had bottles in a long time.

I EBF both of mine and never bottle fed and their dad spent loads of time with them... I find it quite baffling any kind of argument about regretting it if you don't bottle feed / that the dad can't bond without bottle feeding. It really is a very, very short period of time that they're solely reliant on breast milk in the grand scheme of things. I'm really glad I didn't mess around with bottles personally. Each to their own but not for me.

Cant he just take the baby to the pub for an hour and pop back with him.. rejoin the men if he likes.

Wouldn't really want my kid surrounded by drinking adults for more than that anyway

@Laura95167 The OP updated that none of the babies are now coming to Dads' get-together due to feeding concerns.

It sounds as if the penny is starting to drop for all the new Dads that their children aren't toys to wheel out and show off to their mates. That's how it is, fellas. 😂

It might be out of of your hands...I know multiple people, including myself, whose EBF babies refused bottles. Also, I was very unsuccessful pumping - I'd get hardly any out, and it would go off extremely quickly.

Your bf sounds very naive. Bottle feeding isn't necessarily as easy as he thinks. Plus, lol at least his idea of getting the baby out exactly at 6mo. Babies are a law unto themselves re sleep, plus if you are EBF presumably you're doing all the night wakings... So so much easier to do this with minimal disruption if the baby is next to you.

It's sweet that he wants to show the baby off, but he'll just have to do it in a way that means he doesn't need to feed the baby during that time.

He'll probably be pushing you to stop breastfeeding exactly at 6mo too....