Blended family finances

[PersephoneMidnight]

Regular user who has name changed. I am in the process of purchasing my first house with my partner of 10 years. I have a large down payment which consists of a combination of my own savings and an inheritance from my grandfather who died 2 years ago. It’s about half the purchase price, my partner is also contributing to the deposit but only has around £50k. We are disagreeing about how the house will be owned. He is pushing for joint tenants 50/50 whereas I want to be tenants in common with our deposits ringfenced. For context He is 39 earning 52k, he has two teenage daughters who live with us 50% of the week. I am 32 earning 75k with no dependents. We currently rent and split everything 50/50 but I do pay for our holidays, takeaways and days out. I also treat my step daughters with clothes, makeup and give them pocket money £20 a week each and pay for the phones. My partner does pay his ex wife CM £150 a week and covers the kids extra curriculars as she is a low earner.

He thinks I’m being selfish by not agreeing to a joint tenancy and sharing finances after 10 years. I think he is being unreasonable to expect me to basically gift him half of my grandfathers money. We are not married and never will be that’s my choice, I also do not want children. We have never had a joint account or shared finances as he has children and expenses that I do not.

I’m aware that mumsnet normally tells people to have joint finances etc but I feel really uncomfortable about this. I do love my partner and step daughters and they are included in my will but this seems a step too far, aibu?

Do not buy with him. You're being used.My legs and bank account would be closed!

Do not buy with him, but if you do, absolutely protect your deposit. Lol at him calling you selfish, as if he’s not looking to financially benefit from you.

Seperate finances are entirely normal in blended families. He’s the one with dependents he’s financially responsible for - not you. Joint finances make more sense when there are children in common, which is not the case here.

Don’t do it. Ever. I got played liked this and am
currently fighting in court to have my much bigger contribution recognised. He’s using you.

I’m aware that mumsnet normally tells people to have joint finances etc but I feel really uncomfortable about this.m

That advice is for married couples who have built their life together! It doesn’t apply to cocklodgers trying to get a large slice of your property!

Please stay firm and don’t fall for his guilt tripping!

Major alarm bells! It’s absolutely not a situation for 50/50, you’re heavily contributing way way more, the tipping scales are completely off balance.
Dont do the 50/50, stick to your guns. You own what corresponds to the ammount you put in. You have those rings around your deposits!!!!

Lawyer here! Stand firm- tenants in common.

"He is pushing for joint tenants 50/50 whereas I want to be tenants in common with our deposits ringfenced."
Given the huge disparity between what each of you will be contributing, tenants in common is the obvious choice.

"He thinks I’m being selfish by not agreeing to a joint tenancy and sharing finances after 10 years."
Well (channeling my inner Mandy Rice-Davies) he would say that, wouldn't he? He has everything to gain and nothing to lose by pushing for joint tenancy.

As a rule, I find people who throw around accusations of the selfishness of others are often very selfish people themselves. 'Every accusation is an admission', as the saying goes. And I find his attempt to guilt you into relinquishing half of your savings and half of your inheritance - selfish.

I have to agree with previous posters - "Separate finances are entirely normal in blended families". You and he have different financial responsibilities, and just because you have been together for years does not change that.

You "feel really uncomfortable about this" for a reason. Trust your gut, and do not buy together unless it is as tenants in common with your contribution ringfenced.

Exactly this! He is taking the absolute piss

I would also want to be tenants in common with the deposits ring fenced. You clearly are not being selfish given you treating his step daughters the way you do.

As pp said joint finances work when you marry young and plan an entire life together with kids because often in that situation the woman ends up taking a lower paid job for the period the children are small.

Your situation is totally different and you are under no obligation moral or otherwise to make yourself financially vulnerable by agreeing to his demands and emotional blackmail.

If he sees reason: get a solicitor, protect your deposit, tenants in common and agree if the house is sold who gets what share of change in equity.

Point out to him that it is only your money making this house purchase possible - without it he’d have a much bigger/ more expensive mortgage or couldn’t afford it at all.

If you shared children it would be different. As you don’t, either don’t live together or tenants in common. Don’t budge.

I think he genuinely feels a bit hurt that I don’t trust him or the longevity of our relationship. However I work in accounting I’m not naive to the possibility that the relationship may breakdown in future (I hope not) and I want to protect my inheritance as my Grandfather worked very hard to leave me that money.

Outside of this our relationship is very positive, we share domestic duties and enjoy spending time together both as a couple and family. I think I am a naturally generous person and I do share the benefit of my comparative wealth with him and my step daughters. We have a lovely relationship but it’s more like an older sister or aunt as there is only 16 years between me and the eldest.

I don’t want to drop out of this purchase, it has taken a lot for us to get here and we have already spent quite a bit of money on legal fees, surveys etc.

I generally like joint finances but that's because me and my DH of decades got married very young and built everything together from scratch.

In your situation, I think you are right to protect your deposit and go for tenants in common.

definitely do not buy unless its as you propose and your inheritance is ring fenced.

on a morbid note, on the basis you stay together, whats the plan for your assets who will inherit your partner? What if he goes first?

Yes in a partnership everything should be shared , whats mine is yours etc, you are doing your fair share with the bills.

interesting how slight changes to your situation would invoke different responses. If it was reversed, you would deffo be told not to accept what you propose

You could challenge him on his level of trust - if he has faith in the relationship and in you, he would regard being tenants simply something expressed on paper but never impacting on your lives. If you stay together, what difference does it make, if you don’t, does he think he is entitled to half of your wealth - and if so, why?

Perhaps something to think about, that may make him feel better, could be reassuring him that you will leave your share in the house to him if you die whilst together. A factor that might be bothering him could be losing the his and his daughters’ home if you unexpectedly died. Even if he couldn’t afford the mortgage payments on his own, or any inheritance tax owing from inheriting your share, the additional funds might make the necessary downsizing less drastic.

Haven’t rtft could you not also just match his deposit-put 50k in too and own 50/50? That way less risk for you.

I am so pro joint accounts and cannot understand why married couples with children would not have one.

But in your case, no. Separate finances all the way and deposits ringfenced. Of course he thinks you are selfish - because your choices are not helping him!! He is actually being selfish.

Let him feel hurt. Don’t do
it

Under absolutely no circumstances agree to this. You’d be financing him and his dependents in so many ways. Please do not fall for the pressure created by the existing money and time you’ve spent.

In all honesty, if a man asked this of me I’d consider it such a red flag I’d end the relationship, especially considering the stage of proceedings where you are at. Users really love to leave big asks to the last minute so that you will be swayed by a sense of urgency.

My ex did this to me, proposed a really unfair sharing of house investment when I was pregnant with our second child and was putting in a much larger deposit. Thank god I ringfenced my share as I would be fucked now if I hadn’t.

Did your partner become more interested in buying a property following your inheritance? Of course you must protect your deposit. His response will tell you all you need to know.

Being called selfish in this situation would honestly make me rethink our entire relationship tbh. Based on what you’ve said here, you’re clearly not like that.

God, no way! I’d run from him completely, tbh. He’s seen you coming.

Do not, I repeat, do not buy with him.

🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨

I agree with pps. In a situation like this (no kids together , 2 kids from past relationship) I think that each adult should leave the relationship with the finances they contributed. He's already benefiting by getting to live in and part own a larger/nicer house. And also by having your domestic labour available. If he can't be happy with what you're offering I'd be very concerned about his motives.

And also the direct financial contributions she already makes to his kids!!