Blended family finances

[PersephoneMidnight]

Regular user who has name changed. I am in the process of purchasing my first house with my partner of 10 years. I have a large down payment which consists of a combination of my own savings and an inheritance from my grandfather who died 2 years ago. It’s about half the purchase price, my partner is also contributing to the deposit but only has around £50k. We are disagreeing about how the house will be owned. He is pushing for joint tenants 50/50 whereas I want to be tenants in common with our deposits ringfenced. For context He is 39 earning 52k, he has two teenage daughters who live with us 50% of the week. I am 32 earning 75k with no dependents. We currently rent and split everything 50/50 but I do pay for our holidays, takeaways and days out. I also treat my step daughters with clothes, makeup and give them pocket money £20 a week each and pay for the phones. My partner does pay his ex wife CM £150 a week and covers the kids extra curriculars as she is a low earner.

He thinks I’m being selfish by not agreeing to a joint tenancy and sharing finances after 10 years. I think he is being unreasonable to expect me to basically gift him half of my grandfathers money. We are not married and never will be that’s my choice, I also do not want children. We have never had a joint account or shared finances as he has children and expenses that I do not.

I’m aware that mumsnet normally tells people to have joint finances etc but I feel really uncomfortable about this. I do love my partner and step daughters and they are included in my will but this seems a step too far, aibu?

I've read your response op. If he really has an issue with his 'lack of agency' you should buy a cheaper property together. One that is a better match for his finances.

No they can’t whilst the surviving tenant lives in the property. However if one spouse dies, their share would then pass to whomever in the will and in theory that is ring fenced (albeit local authorities can challenge)

Thanks - I did a bit of googling after I originally posted. I might look into this. I assume the earlier you do it, the harder it would be for them to cry foul.

A man who loved you, would want the best for you, and wouldnt want you to put your inheritance at risk! This would make me doubt the whole relationship as I cant possibly see how anyone who actually loved me would want me to put myself in a financially vulnerable position!

Sorry, it feels manipulative to me. You’re not married, he just wants half of your money. When you say he feels xyz, rephrase it as “he says he feels xyz”. I’m so hurt you wouldn’t give me what I want, I feel so powerless you won’t give me what I want, do you really love me if you won’t give me what I want?

Everybody here can see it’s fair to ring fence your highly unequal contributions. He sees it too. He just wants more.

I’m not backing down on protecting my deposit as a percentage of the house, it’s a lot of money and I know my Grandfather would want me to be smart with it. I guess if we weren’t together I would buy a smaller home but this is a bit of a dream bourse with a lot of potential. I have investments outside of my savings so I’m much better off financially than DP. I don’t mean to drip feed anything but finances and relationship ms are complicated and it’s a lot to write in a post

You say you don't want children and you don't want to get married. This is clear. What if this man will want more children - with someone else? He already has one ruined family behind him - his ex wife and two children.

So, no, don't do joint finances and 50/50 on the house. Just don't.

I think given that you already split costs plus pay for holidays, treat his children and treat him he’s taking the piss. If I had two kids and a boyfriend who was generous towards me and my children I think I wouldn’t be trying to grab a bit more.

Btw I would feel the same about kids I’ve known since they were very little and would have no problem with Dh paying some CS in these circumstances so the kids are comfortable at their mums house too, I think thats absolutely right and moral tbh. However it is perfectly reasonable to ringfence your deposit. He still benefits if you split from any increase in equity.

I don't know if this would work for you but when my husband and bought together he had a big deposit and I had none. He paid his half of the house (so he is you in this situation) with his deposit and I pay the whole of the mortgage to cover my half of the house.
I do benefit from lower repayments because of the LTV due to his deposit.

I'm no legal advisor though and we are married so it is different in that a 50:50 split would be the starting point anyway.

“Selfish” is an attempt to control and shut down your independence and sensible planning.

In what way are you - protecting your future - being more selfish than him - trying to benefit from or even obtain your assets?

Yeah usually when someones called me selfish they were trying to screw me in some way.

I’d echo the earlier comments - he’s taking the piss and now trying to emotionally blackmail you into it. Lovely.

My husband was absolutely fine about me protecting my larger share of our initial deposit on a house. After all, it's not going to matter if you never split, is it? My husband and I only had a very limited degree of joint finances 25 years in and that was a joint account mainly for our children's expenses. I'm sure your grandfather wouldn't have wanted any share of your inheritance going to this rather shifty individual.

How can you be selfish when you currently rent and split everything 50/50 but you pay for holidays, takeaways and days out? You also treat your step-daughters with clothes, makeup and give them pocket money of £20 a week each and pay for their phones"? In fact, you seem not so much unselfish as a right chump. He might have a brain injury but your dp seems to be perfectly capable of trying to set himself up to get a 50% share of your assets should you ever split up.

I am a solicitor - not in the UK - and your situation is almost giving me palpitations. Stand firm. My husband is a wonderful and honourable man, whom I adore, and to whom I have been married to for over 30 years. He has been a great husband and I was lucky to meet him. But I also adore being in control of my own assets. It gives my ageing complexion the kind of glow no over the counter serum can match.

I think that him saying that if he doesn't own the house 50/50, it won't feel like his home is some pretty awful emotional blackmail.

He will be living in a lovely, much bigger home that he would ever be able to afford on his own and his proportion of the property will increase in value. As I and other posters have previously said, him owning less than 50% of the property will only impact him if you split up.

You are being incredibly generous to him, his children and even his ex-wife as he wouldn't be able to afford to give her so much money if you weren't subsidising his costs.

You are doing the right thing he’s not entitled to half your money. Different story if you are married/ have a family starting from scratch together

I just read your replies, so sorry if this has already been said, but you know that his share of the house won't necessarily come to you if something happened to him, right? He can leave it to his children, if he has no will, it will go to them too, and even if he writes a will in your favour now, he could change that at any time without informing you.

Tennents in common. You owe it to your grandfather. Wishing you all the best.

He’s a CF.

I see his point but I think that’s because I’d always be lower earner and think people ringfencing etc means ye are going into buying not a team but it is the fairer way- I just don’t think ye should because in the future with his dependents ye are going to have non stop battles

Don't buy with him. Trust your instincts. He is rubbing his hands together at this deal.

Don't allow him to frame this is ' you don't trust me'. You are clear-headedly protecting yourself and this has nothing to do with him.

Im proud of you that you are not backing down. Not many women are so sensible. You do know that one day those kids and your dp could leave you and become strangers to you, and they could own half your house!

im glad you are making a very sensible decision

Run a mile. Do NOT buy with him. He is taking the absolute piss. You’re a cash cow.

If he gets the 50/50 split he wants then once you've bought the house he can dump you and walk away with a pretty penny. I know someone this happened to, they lost thousands and the ex gained thousands.

Ask him how he would feel about him not being able to leave the kids his share of the house if he dies. Because if it's joint tenants it automatically becomes yours and is not part of the will.
Put it to him that way and he might get it.
Tenants in common you can do what you like with each share. Joint tenants you can't

Protect your grandfather's money OP at all costs. It's amazing how some people can have a personality transplant when they realise they're not going to get something they decided they were entitled to. This relationship isn't equal. He has kids. You don't - although you give them a lot. You have more money and are younger with a higher salary. Sorry to sound mercenary, but did you want to take on someone else's family rather than go for a partner with no kids, like yourself? Be careful your good and caring nature doesn't make you end up broke and resentful.