Blended family finances

[PersephoneMidnight]

Regular user who has name changed. I am in the process of purchasing my first house with my partner of 10 years. I have a large down payment which consists of a combination of my own savings and an inheritance from my grandfather who died 2 years ago. It’s about half the purchase price, my partner is also contributing to the deposit but only has around £50k. We are disagreeing about how the house will be owned. He is pushing for joint tenants 50/50 whereas I want to be tenants in common with our deposits ringfenced. For context He is 39 earning 52k, he has two teenage daughters who live with us 50% of the week. I am 32 earning 75k with no dependents. We currently rent and split everything 50/50 but I do pay for our holidays, takeaways and days out. I also treat my step daughters with clothes, makeup and give them pocket money £20 a week each and pay for the phones. My partner does pay his ex wife CM £150 a week and covers the kids extra curriculars as she is a low earner.

He thinks I’m being selfish by not agreeing to a joint tenancy and sharing finances after 10 years. I think he is being unreasonable to expect me to basically gift him half of my grandfathers money. We are not married and never will be that’s my choice, I also do not want children. We have never had a joint account or shared finances as he has children and expenses that I do not.

I’m aware that mumsnet normally tells people to have joint finances etc but I feel really uncomfortable about this. I do love my partner and step daughters and they are included in my will but this seems a step too far, aibu?

@CamillaMcCauley absolutely! The op is giving a lot of herself to this relationship and the partner appears to be getting increasingly greedy.

Google sunk cost fallacy.

You are in over your head. This man saw you coming.

It’s not a great basis for a relationship. You’re young why saddle yourself with someone with kids , it’s all so messy and complicated .

You’re being taken for a ride!!! He saw you coming… you’re being naive still. Protect your money and stop funding his lifestyle or walk away.

Hold your nerve. You are basically just ring fencing in the event of a break up.

I'm in your side.

Any inputs to house are ring fenced.
Then mortgage is paid 50/50

Stress that this is just a mitigation strategy in case of a break up

So on event of break up.

Sell house for X
Both partners gets back their inputs
Any surplus then divided equally
Any costs divided equally. Hopefully over all there is a surplus.

Any day to day living expenses are entirely separate.

Your partner is going to want to retire before you too.

That's how me and DP have done it. But I'm sure there are other models people can use that work for them.

I do think the cynical he saw you coming is a tad over the top, but explain it's a difficult conversation but you have a red line. Be empathetic and explain there are a huge number of forces in the world that could break you up.

If he has a red line on his side then the cynical he saw you coming might be right.

I don't agree with the "he saw you coming" comments after 10 years together, but I do agree you should ring fence your deposit money. Stay firm OP.

Selfish, yes, good. Be selfish, you should be looking out for your interests.

My DW had a complete personality change after we got married. I went into everything 50/50 like the marriage service says. I started with half the value of our first house now DW jointly owns half. This makes things tricky. She thinks her mothers legacy is "her money" whereas in reality (?) any money that comes in is pooled and belongs to both of us. We have no blended family issues. In your situation OP I am with you - ring fence the contributions to your house. Good luck.

Do not buy with this man

Could you match his deposit and invest the rest of your money?

He's the one who's not trusting the longevity of your relationship. So long as you are together, the way you own the house makes no difference. It's if you split up that it does. And if you do, he wants to make sure he walks away with half your assets.

Don't let him.

If not, it’s entirely reasonable that you get your respective deposits back before any equity is split in the event if separation. I would not proceed unless it’s on that basis.

Only if they’re planning children and taking that career hit. Marriage and security protect women in that situation. He never will be.

OP You sound very smart and I am smiling reading your updates because you clearly have your head screwed on straight.

You are absolutely correct with your instincts ; it's not that you don't love him you're just being sensible.

I am so sorry he is showing you an unsavoury side to him now, you must be devstated xxxx

Stick to your guns and protect your money.

Also, you’re being very generous giving the dc £20 per month plus phones, ie £100 (.?) per month.

i think in your situation, you have a joint pot for mortgage and bills, and keep the rest separate.

It basically comes down to him wanting a marriage type partnership and you adamantly don’t and never do, maybe about time the reality came to a head for you both

Stick to your plan.
I was thinking that you could instead reduce your deposit to match but then if you break up he’d likely claim the property to house his kids and you’d need to start again. I.e even if he could buy you out it is more hassle, but he might make it really difficult for you to not leave him with the whole property if he couldn’t afford to buy you out as he’d say you were making his kids homeless and you’d have the extra cash and income to start again when he couldn’t.
So no - either protect the full deposit (as you are trying to) or don’t buy with him at all.

I think you have made a couple of errors OP.

It is nice that you are so generous to your SD's, but they are not your children and you should not be paying for them. You have got yourself into a routine of buying them things and giving them money. I think this is a massive mistake.

I think one of the things you need to do is keep your powder dry. Why does he need to know the ins and outs of your financial situation. If you have separate accounts why does he need to know how much money you have?

You don't have any DC, so why are you paying out for them?

I would absolutely draw a line that you are not compromising on your deposit and split of the house.

Even though you have been in a relationship for 10 years I can see what he is getting out of it, but aside from a warm bed and someone who can put up a shelf (maybe) I cannot see what is in it for you?

@PersephoneMidnight we were in a similar situation 35 years ago. We got married. DH insisted that our respective equity was formalised and there was a legal agreement in place. You know, because he's a decent, honest, fair, loyal, moral sort of chap.

It was irrelevant after two dc and ten years when his earnings outstripped mine and because he was self employed put the house solely in my name.

Run and ponder why the first marriage didn't work selfish, grabby bastard

It’s actually alarming that he’s taking issue with you wanting to ring fence your deposit.
It’s a massive red flag and I would be there are other red flags from him in your relationship.
Do not put half the value of the property in and do 50/50 joint ownership.

The only way a 50/50 mortgage can work is if you only put £50k in to match his and put the remainder of your money into investments.
But even that would consider.

And the indirect ones if she is paying 50% living costs when his children live there 50% of the time. Fairly, it would be more like 1/3.

I’m aware that mumsnet normally tells people to have joint finances

That advice is not usually for people in your circumstances. Hold firm.

DH and I have been married for over thirty years and we are tenants in common. PIL after 60 years of marriage have changed to tenants in common. This protects half of the property if only one of the owners needs care home support. If you’re joint tenants the local authority can claim almost everything after the second owner dies. So your DP’s suggestion is foolish. If you needed a care home for a while and he didn’t, being joint tenants would not protect his ‘share’ of the property for his DC whereas being TIC would.

If he loves you there’s no reason he’d put in you in a position to be financially worse off if the relationship were to end. You need to protect yourself and simply say you won’t compromise on this and won’t go ahead unless he agrees to your terms. You have more to loose than him.