Blended family finances

[PersephoneMidnight]

Regular user who has name changed. I am in the process of purchasing my first house with my partner of 10 years. I have a large down payment which consists of a combination of my own savings and an inheritance from my grandfather who died 2 years ago. It’s about half the purchase price, my partner is also contributing to the deposit but only has around £50k. We are disagreeing about how the house will be owned. He is pushing for joint tenants 50/50 whereas I want to be tenants in common with our deposits ringfenced. For context He is 39 earning 52k, he has two teenage daughters who live with us 50% of the week. I am 32 earning 75k with no dependents. We currently rent and split everything 50/50 but I do pay for our holidays, takeaways and days out. I also treat my step daughters with clothes, makeup and give them pocket money £20 a week each and pay for the phones. My partner does pay his ex wife CM £150 a week and covers the kids extra curriculars as she is a low earner.

He thinks I’m being selfish by not agreeing to a joint tenancy and sharing finances after 10 years. I think he is being unreasonable to expect me to basically gift him half of my grandfathers money. We are not married and never will be that’s my choice, I also do not want children. We have never had a joint account or shared finances as he has children and expenses that I do not.

I’m aware that mumsnet normally tells people to have joint finances etc but I feel really uncomfortable about this. I do love my partner and step daughters and they are included in my will but this seems a step too far, aibu?

So you believe it fair that she should pay interest on half the mortgage simply because he doesn’t have the same funds available? That might be your definition of fairness, but it isn’t everyone’s. Hence it being subjective...

Generally speaking, joint tenancy is for married/civil couples to mitigate IHT etc to their spouse.
It automatically means you both own the home 100%, so doesn’t matter who has put in what amount. In the event of either of you dying, your share will pass to the other person immediately and bypasses probate. The property would then be theirs fully.

Tenants in common would be the preferred route for your situation for the reasons you gave…..you can ring fence your contribution and protect your share of the home and equity.

It does raise a huge red flag though, and I feel you are putting yourself and finances in jeopardy if you agree to joint tenancy because you are being guilted into it. Please trist your gut!

Do it your way, or not at all, would be my advice (this is in my line of work and have seen some terrible set ups over the decades!)

Get a good SOLICITOR who specialises in conveyancing rather than a simple Conveyancer firm, as they will give solid advice here xx

It’s obvious that you should ring fence your deposit, as everyone is saying.

But my view is that there are much deeper issues here and it’s not quite as simple as the fact that he is taking advantage of you (although he is and has been). OP, I actually feel quite sorry for you - you’re only 32 and it sounds like you’ve had very little fun or freedom in your young life.

You were barely into proper adulthood (yes, I know you’re technically an adult at 18, but questionable if you can count being in full time education as fully-fledged adulthood) when you became involved with a man several years older with two young children.

You say you’ve never wanted your own children (and that of course is your prerogative) but from a very young age you took on the responsibilities of part time parenting and the attendant sacrifices for someone else’s children. That makes no sense to me if you weren’t interested in children. I also think that the constraints of the situation mean you’ve never even had a chance to explore the issues fully and possibly change your mind about having your own children or wanting to get married.

You state that when you met you lived in a flat share and earned minimum wage as if that somehow equalises your and his situations now. It doesn’t really. You were doing then what is normal for a recent graduate getting their career trajectory underway. At that stage it’s all about potential as you’ve since proven with your now decent career and income. He, by contrast, was several years older with heavy commitments that were not going to reduce for many years. I can’t imagine what attracted you to him or the situation, but obviously there were reasons.

Unfortunately I think the PP who mentioned the boiled frog analogy is spot on - you’ve spent almost your entire young adult life doing more than your fair share to support this man, his children and (indirectly) his ex-wife - emotionally, practically and financially. It’s gone on for so long you think it’s normal and now can’t see any other way your life could or should be. I have daughters in their early twenties and frankly would be very sad if one of them got into a similar situation and that was their whole future (even though it would of course be their choice).

My honest advice to you would be to extricate yourself completely from this situation before you get any older. I’m almost certain you won’t do that because you say you love him and his children, they are your family, and you’ve all been through a lot with his illness. No doubt you feel obligated to see it through because of loyalty but also because you are stuck due to the guilt that would ensue - you know that while you could walk away tomorrow and be fine, he would struggle hugely to pay his rent, provide for his children and continue to pay his ex-wife.

One final comment based on my own experience - taking on such a load for so many people might feel fine at 32 when you’re full of bounce and energy but becomes less easy at 42 and positively difficult at 52 when you’re menopausal and exhausted. I’d bet a large sum that in 20 years time you will be very fed up with the endless burden.

Do you plan to support his children through university and/or other life stages? He doesn’t earn enough without your input and his earning potential has prematurely stalled due to his health. How old is the ex-wife? If the same age as your partner, do you plan for him to be supporting her for decades, well beyond the children growing to adulthood, because she can’t work due to her own health issues?

I’m not saying you should leave him, and I’m pretty sure you won’t, but that being the case, these are things that you will have to factor in to your planning.

Completely agree with @ArtforEveryone

the need for someone to love appears to outweigh the drive to be loved. That’s the only way I can make sense of it for me.

You could be joint tenants but have a deed of trust drawn up lrktectkng each of your deposits being viewed as diviesable equity should you split. If its a hill he will die on then bow out.

Reposting this excellent contribution which won’t be easy to read OP but is absolutely bang on the money, gentle and insightful. I hope you can see that the posters on here have your best interests at heart. I’m a stepmum and I have a stepmum and you haven’t chosen an easy path especially since you don’t want your own children. This is the ideal opportunity to step back in your own mind and think about what you want from the rest of your life.

Like others I also believe in joint finances and do with my husband.

However in your case, no. You say you do 50/50 but you seem to do a lot more re:holidays, takeaways, his kids, and giving him the ability to pay the CM.
Rather than look at it from the point of you ‘being selfish’, he should look at what you are already doing for his (your) family. I would say if he does not want any ring fencing put £50k deposit and carry on doing 50/50 bills and he will carry on paying more for the mortgage and that’s his choice.

Lots of things you could do.

Yhe thing that jumps out at me is that he is the sort of man who accepts her paying way more than her fair share and responds .. by calling her selfish for not wanting to share a substantial inheritance

I do pay for our holidays, takeaways and days out. I also treat my step daughters with clothes, makeup and give them pocket money £20 a week each and pay for the phones.

You're giving him praise for it being 50/50 whilst he was unable to work yet it never was 50/50 if you're paying for all the discretionary expenses?

Very often the first post nailed it, but never have I seen one that nails it so brilliantly.

You are being used and conned OP. Do NOT buy a house with this cocklodger.

This post is repugnant.

The OP has said he has a brain injury. Making up narratives to suit your man hatred is bizarre and not helpful towards the Op

Speak to your solicitor about signing a Declaration of Trust. You both set out your shares in this Deed and both sign it. Keep the original in your records with a backed up electronic copy somewhere. No Deed, don't buy! £52k is a decent wage...why are you subsidising his kids so much?! You being the purse when you are out with him and for holidays is enough.

No no no! He is sponging off you. Why split the bills 50/50 when his children are there half the week. Why are you paying for holidays??

I wouldn't buy with this man, he is trying to get hold of your capital.

Look I appreciate all the advice and I can understand why some posters are concerned that I’m being taken for a ride financially. But I’m really not, the extra treats, holidays and pocket money for the kids are MY choice and suggestion. My partner has never asked me to fund any of this I have offered to do so, as this means we ALL get to enjoy a similar standard of living. Would you prefer that I spent all my money on myself and went away alone on holiday and buy myself fancy clothes while they eat beans and rice?? I’m not going to do that. I am financially independent and have a lot more capital than most women my age. I’m not concerned about my retirement as I have budgeted and planned for it including significant investments in shares etc outside of my house fund. My partner is NOT a gold digger, he works very hard to earn what he does considering his significant life altering disability and to give his kids a good life with both their parents. He is doing the best he can and I do not fault him for earning less, it isn’t his fault that his health was stolen from him. Sure he could stop paying CM and the kids school trips and extra curriculars because he doesn’t legally have to but then the kids miss out and that’s not fair. I’m not a bare minimum person and neither is he.

We have agreed that tenants in common with a declaration of trust is what we will do. We will also have a joint account for household spending and start a joint savings account as well. My capital will be protected but I want our day to day lives to feel more equal and balanced emotionally so I think a joint account could help with how he is feeling. My current funds will always remain separate but we want to start building something together as well.

@PersephoneMidnight Thanks for updating. Hope this issue isn’t causing sleepless nights, as it’s 2am in the morning! I’m glad you’ve got it discussed and sorted.

@PersephoneMidnight that sounds like a sensible arrangement. I know you’re both young, but get your wills sorted out as soon as you own the house or it will be an administrative nightmare if either of you dies unexpectedly (it happens - my first DH died in a crash at age 54 - luckily his Will was straightforward).

Yes and as Martin Lewis says, lasting POAs is probably more important than a will be even though both are essential.

That sounds really thought through and balanced. I’m glad you’ve managed to work this through together.

This sounds very sensible - ring fence what you have brought in to the relationship, but move forward together. Best of luck to you OP!

Stick to your guns and purchase as tenants in common. It makes no difference to your partner if you stay together but should you split it will make a huge difference to you.

Tenants in common or just don't buy with him. Any man worth his salt would agree.

I think what lots of us are trying to say , op , is not that he's evil and you should leave him , but that it's hurtful of him to not appreciate how much of yourself (and your money!) you already give to the relationship. He seems to be ungrateful and calling you selfish for protecting your inheritance is extremely unreasonable of him.

"We have agreed that tenants in common with a declaration of trust is what we will do. We will also have a joint account for household spending and start a joint savings account as well. My capital will be protected but I want our day to day lives to feel more equal and balanced emotionally so I think a joint account could help with how he is feeling. My current funds will always remain separate but we want to start building something together as well."
Sounds like a good solution OP.

It sounds to me that you’re being generous not selfish, ring fence your deposit!

When you shared the information about your partners injury and subsequent need to work fewer hours, that’s what changed it for me. I’m sorry for calling it a drip feed, but it did totally change my understanding of your situation. He’s not working part time so he can sponge off you (as loads of people on here seem to think). You are showing commitment to each other, you might not be married but that’s what ‘in sickness and in health’ means.

You sound like a family 👍 looking out for each other without sacrificing all your independence.