Blended family finances

[PersephoneMidnight]

Regular user who has name changed. I am in the process of purchasing my first house with my partner of 10 years. I have a large down payment which consists of a combination of my own savings and an inheritance from my grandfather who died 2 years ago. It’s about half the purchase price, my partner is also contributing to the deposit but only has around £50k. We are disagreeing about how the house will be owned. He is pushing for joint tenants 50/50 whereas I want to be tenants in common with our deposits ringfenced. For context He is 39 earning 52k, he has two teenage daughters who live with us 50% of the week. I am 32 earning 75k with no dependents. We currently rent and split everything 50/50 but I do pay for our holidays, takeaways and days out. I also treat my step daughters with clothes, makeup and give them pocket money £20 a week each and pay for the phones. My partner does pay his ex wife CM £150 a week and covers the kids extra curriculars as she is a low earner.

He thinks I’m being selfish by not agreeing to a joint tenancy and sharing finances after 10 years. I think he is being unreasonable to expect me to basically gift him half of my grandfathers money. We are not married and never will be that’s my choice, I also do not want children. We have never had a joint account or shared finances as he has children and expenses that I do not.

I’m aware that mumsnet normally tells people to have joint finances etc but I feel really uncomfortable about this. I do love my partner and step daughters and they are included in my will but this seems a step too far, aibu?

I’m on the other side of this equation.

I have two children and earn significantly less than my partner, who also recently inherited.

If we were moving in together, I’d hope for a joint account for things like groceries, bills, holidays etc, but would absolutely expect our deposits to be ring fenced - and for both of us to update our wills.

I’m not a believer in joint finances and we did get together at 29/31 and have children together but I’m one of very few on MN that believe this. There are specific reasons due to the way we each run our money, stock market shenanigans mean instant decision making needed.

Do not buy unless he agrees to ring fence the deposits.

In theory you are a woman who is probably better off not marrying as you earn a lot more than him. It’s all about the higher earner really which historically is men plus women giving up career progression by having children and especially if they become a SAHP. There are also tax reasons due to inheritance tax to marry but that is dependant on financial circumstances.

You do of course have this legislative proposal of asset sharing on break up proposed. I agree with it if people have children together but not just living together. Who knows if this will come about as still in consultation. If it goes ahead you would already be caught by it as proposal is co habitation for 3 years.

hes currently taking the piss financially of you, why he is not embarrassed having young woman funding his kids pocket money and take aways is beyond me.

you need to make it clear that finances will always be separate. He can like it or lump it. Die on this hill op. If he will be with you forever then he has nothing to worry about.

you do perhaps need to think about wills and what would happen to his home when you die. How long would he be allowed to live in it etc .

He is being really unreasonable. He, and his two daughters, are already benefitting from your much higher earnings via holidays, days out, take-aways, clothes and makeup and pocket money, all paid for by you.

The large 50% deposit paid for by you will mean a much smaller mortgage which he will benefit from.

He would only be disadvantaged (quite reasonably) if your relationship ended and your assets were split.

His reaction would make me distrust him and his motives for buying a house together. He and his daughters have a much more comfortable lifestyle due to your higher salary and generosity. His ex-wife is also benefitting as she is receiving £600 maintenance per month with a 50/50 childcare split which would normally mean that no maintenace was due, especially as he isn't a high earner.

Please make sure that you do ring-fence your deposit and don't cave in to his emotional blackmail.

Ps op there is talk about the rules changing about cohabiting unmarried couples so take care.

Of course you should protect your deposit. Ideally you would both put in an equal deposit then split the mortgage/bills 50/50. You can save the rest of your inheritance.
Why on earth are you paying for all socialising/holidays etc? It should be 50/50. I'd be stopping that and putting more into savings/pension. He's on a decent salary not that much less than you if that's pre tax salaries. It does look like he's using you as an ATM from the outside. Do men have no pride anymore, scrounging off girlfriends, happily taking all the freebies. Massive turn off for me.

The hills are to the left
run for them!

You shouldn’t share your deposit. Would matching his deposit and investing the rest be an option? That way you’re both 50:50?

This isnt really a blended family.

Its you taking on a man, his daughters, and his low-earning ex and subsidising them.

You have a lot to lose. No wonder he wants 50/50!

Having joint finances should only be considered when there are biological kids involved, so that one parent is not paying more towards the kids than the other.
Your situation is completely different.

You should be paying bills relative to your income - eg 50% of your income each should go in the ‘joint pot’ for bills and holidays etc

It means the higher payer contributing more but also having more savings and free cash to do what they want with.

You 100% do not share this house 50/50.
You ring fence exactly what you put into it.

You have to be realistic and prepare for the worst. It doesn’t mean that you don’t think this relationship will last.
I don’t have life insurance because I assume I’m going to die young, I do it to prepare for the absolute worst case scenario.

Your DP should not be making you feel guilty over this.

I’m guessing this is a reverse.

This. And the other post about whether his interest in buying ramped up after your inheritance. I suspect the next thing he will push for is wills where you leave everything to him and/or to name his children as beneficiaries.

Don’t buy without the ringfence, OP and be prepared to pull out or sell in the future if things start to unravel.

Run.
If you absolutely want to go ahead then only as TIC, with a Deed of Trust.
He is into a good thing, and he knows it.
Don't marry him, either!

Do you rent or how is current housing split?

Remind him that you could choose to not use the money as a deposit, instead pay it into savings/pensions which would probably increase more than a house value. If he wants 50/50 then deposits should be 50/50. By only ringfencing the deposit you are foregoing the increase in savings

By using your inheritance you are helping him financially because the mortgage will be lower.

Otherwise he is asking you to share the inheritance which isn't on.

Absolutely the fuck not. Do not marry him and keep your finances separate.

YANBU. Why should you end up with less money and a less nice property than you would otherwise have had, if you break up? Why should your assets end up in the pockets of his kids? Tell him it's your way or no way.

Absolutely ring fence your money. You sound very generous which is nice but he’s totally taking advantage expecting to go 50 50 on the house. Please protect your inheritance and savings

This is a good point.

Also, you should point out that this makes more sense for his DC. I imagine he has named them as beneficiaries in his will, but if you own jointly then his share will automatically come to you. If he wants his DC to get his share then you have to own as tenants in common.

I would also be thinking about what this would mean to whichever of you survived and found yourself only owning part of your home.

You need proper legal advice here.

Tenants in common is the only fair way or you buy on your own. You are already paying for holidays etc when you don’t have any dependents of your own. Shared finances don’t work in a situation like yours. You are already being incredibly generous, don’t compromise on the house.

Why does he pay his ex CM when he has the children 50% of the time? I understand him paying the extra curriculars if she can’t afford that so they don’t miss out.

THIS.

Absolutely protect your inheritance. My partner of 35 years has said that my inheritance is solely mine.

I have always had joint finances with my DH but we started out as virtual teenages and piss poor. We have kids together ( no others from past relationships ) and have bought everything together having similar salaries for most of our lives. It’s totally totally different to your situation. Why do you need joint finances?? You have no kids.
You already pay loads. You’re still very young. I really can’t understand why he would expect you to put all your capital to the house as if it’s half his? Why does he need that? If not put the same amount each in and you keep the test in savings. Calling you selfish is awful you don’t sound selfish at all.

Not only do I think you should ringfence your deposit, I'd recommend that you do it as a proportion of the whatever the value of the property is at the time of settling finances should you ever split up.

A friend ringfenced her deposit when she bought a place with her partner; it was 25% of the purchase price but she only ringfenced the amount, not the proportion. When they split years later, that extra £6k made fuck all difference, as the £24k house they'd bought was £350k by then.

Absolutely tenants in common.

Legally his daughters are not your step daughters as you are not married.

Good that you have an up to date will.

I bet he will also expect OP to leave her larger share of the house to his children, and not her o family members.

Respectfully, like fk would I be paying for their phones.
Nor would i be paying solely for all holidays /takeaways/ spending money.
He saw you coming OP. You're a giver and he's a taking CF.....match made for disaster. This house will no doubt go to him if you die first then on to his daughters but if he dies first, can't his daughters come for his half? I don't understand the law on this but sure i've read of it happening.
Edited to ask, if you have 50/50 why is he paying £600 a month to their mum?