Blended family finances

[PersephoneMidnight]

Regular user who has name changed. I am in the process of purchasing my first house with my partner of 10 years. I have a large down payment which consists of a combination of my own savings and an inheritance from my grandfather who died 2 years ago. It’s about half the purchase price, my partner is also contributing to the deposit but only has around £50k. We are disagreeing about how the house will be owned. He is pushing for joint tenants 50/50 whereas I want to be tenants in common with our deposits ringfenced. For context He is 39 earning 52k, he has two teenage daughters who live with us 50% of the week. I am 32 earning 75k with no dependents. We currently rent and split everything 50/50 but I do pay for our holidays, takeaways and days out. I also treat my step daughters with clothes, makeup and give them pocket money £20 a week each and pay for the phones. My partner does pay his ex wife CM £150 a week and covers the kids extra curriculars as she is a low earner.

He thinks I’m being selfish by not agreeing to a joint tenancy and sharing finances after 10 years. I think he is being unreasonable to expect me to basically gift him half of my grandfathers money. We are not married and never will be that’s my choice, I also do not want children. We have never had a joint account or shared finances as he has children and expenses that I do not.

I’m aware that mumsnet normally tells people to have joint finances etc but I feel really uncomfortable about this. I do love my partner and step daughters and they are included in my will but this seems a step too far, aibu?

Tenants in common all the way when you are putting in a much larger deposit than him.

After 10 years together I would be very upset if my partner twisted the narrative to deflect from his own selfishness and used emotional blackmail on me. He sounds manipulative and from what you’ve said, your gut feelings are warning you so definitely stick to your instincts. And if he’s so sure of the relationship then what’s the issue with your suggestion! Turn his argument back to him and his reaction will reveal a lot.

Why does he pay his ex maintenance when they share the children 50/50? I’d knock that on the head and he can use that money to pay for his children’s phones, pocket money, holidays, treats himself. You’re being overly generous (and kind) but why are you paying anything for his kids?! Treats and presents of course I understand but not normal life expenses!

100% of posters have said tenants in common and your ring fence your deposit or reflect that as a % of the value contribution. He’s already getting a cheaper mortgage as a result of your hard work and choice not to have children.

Faith in the relationship cuts both ways, the legal mechanisms are there to protect you in the event of a split, it’s not a lack of trust, it’s hedging on a proven statistic. If you don’t split then it’s not a problem is it?

Please listen to every single person on MN that has advised you correctly, including a lawyer.

You're not selfish Op, if he didn't have children you could buy a smaller house, smaller bills, lower outgoings so you're already shoring him up financially. Buy the house together if you want to but only on your terms, he only gets what he's paid in

You are buying a bigger and more expensive house than you’d need as a child free woman because he has kids. It sounds like you are very generous with them too.

As this isn’t a first relationship, you are right to have separate finances. Joint is when the kids are between the couple so there is transparency about the cost of kids. (Lots of couples seem to talk into the dynamic where she pays all the kids stuff and he thinks child benefit is plenty to cover that cost)

Thank you for all the replies, I’m glad you all agree with me. For the record I don’t believe my partner is taking advantage of me financially. I am very comfortable with my contribution including towards my step daughters discretionary expenses. I have been in their lives since they were 4 and 6 so I see them as my family and if I want to give them an allowance and clothes budget I will keep doing it. Their Mum has some health issues so only works part time, she can’t afford a lot of superfluous spending, so DP gives her the £600 so the kids have what they need at her house. My DP has his own health issues including a brain injury so doesn’t earn as much due to cutting back on his physical job (self employed). I know that by paying 50/50 he is technically being subsidised but if we split our costs with me paying say 30% and not buying stuff for the girls he would have basically no money and we would live very different lifestyles. That would feel very wrong and not in the spirit of family.

I have spoken to him a bit more and I think he feels a bit powerless in this whole situation as the purchase date gets closer. He feels it’s not really his home as I own so much more than him and he has no agency over decisions like renovations etc. I have told him that this a dealbreaker for me and he has agreed. We have agreed to review our total financial picture together etc. Good point about his daughters inheriting his share, so tenants in common it is!

I think he genuinely feels a bit hurt that I don’t trust him or the longevity of our relationship.

Interesting point of view considering the ringfencing only really matters if you split up. So why does protecting your grandfather’s inheritance in the event of a future separation mean you don’t trust the longevity of the relationship, while his insistence that he should be entitled to half of it in exactly that scenario apparently doesn’t?

You’re not asking to deprive him of anything he has contributed. You’re asking to protect what you brought into the purchase, and he can protect his £50k in exactly the same way. Given that you’re deliberately not married and have always kept your finances separate, tenants in common with the deposits ringfenced seems entirely consistent with the financial arrangement you have both chosen for the last ten years.

It depends what percentage of the mortgage they each paid though @LakieLady. That's the thing to be clear on. If you really do decide to go ahead OP, I'd want a declaration of trust as well setting out who is paying what and making sure that's accounted for when you sell. Not that your partner would agree to that either by the sound of things.

You need to look at the cold hard facts here. Let’s imagine your purchase is £400k. His deposit is £50K, ie 12.5%. Your deposit is £150K ie 37.5%. Total deposit £200k (50%)
If the house were owned as Joint tenants and you split up, assuming the house was sold for the same as it was bought, you would both receive £100k back in equity, plus half each of whatever remained after the mortgage was paid back. That is mighty unfair. In addition, if either of you were to die the other would get own the full house - his DC would lose out because he wouldn’t be able to leave his share to them.
Using the same figures, owned as TIC you would have a Trust drawn up in the proportion of 37.5% him and 62.5% you. Selling the house for, say, £500K with an outstanding mortgage of £150K would see him receive £131K and you receive £218K. His share could be left to his DC in his will set up as a trust, your share could be left to whomever you choose.

In this situation wouldn’t it be best to both have your own properties? He has enough of a deposit to put down on his own little house which could be rented out and you own the one you’re moving into.

That way he still has something he’s invested in.

I think trying to buy together when you’re not married and there’s differences in kids and earnings etc is a bad idea.

Jesus H Christ OP - he sure saw you coming!
Mumsnet would never say have joint finances in a situation such as yours - you are being taken for an absolute fool, actually I think this verges on financial abuse, at least emotional abuse via finances!
Fuck 50:50 expenses, fuck paying for holidays, fuck tenants in common, and if partner and ex are 50:50 time with the kids he shouldnt be paying her anything, fuck your partner, he is an emotionally abusive, greedy, selfish, sponging cocklodging prick!
I would actually advocate to LTB, he has zero respect for you. Sorry OP.

You make more than him, have no dependents and are paying half the amount? He’s loving having found you.

Either TIC with amounts ring fenced. Or JT but only he pays the mortgage seeing as you’ve paid for your half of the house.

The fact he calls you selfish when you’re paying for his own kids pocket money is jaw dropping. I’d be seriously rethinking the relationship

My thoughts too!

In your situation I would buy the property in my own name. No need for it to be jointly owned or tenants in common. Given the huge difference in your finances I could not see it working any other way. I have seen an almost identical scenario go horribly wrong for a family member.

If you insist on buying with him this is the way. But please don't buy with him, seriously.

If he is insisting on 50/50 joint tenants then you only put the same deposit in as him. Keep your inheritance separate. He's already benefitting from a lower mortgage and help with his children whichever way you own the house, isn't that enough of a bonus?

Give lots of thought to wills, who your respective shares would be left to and how it might work in reality.

OP do you have to move? I’d be tempted in your position to purchase a rental property as an investment with your deposit/ mortgage contribution abilities to ensure you are on the housing ladder and just keep finances absolutely separate.
I understand your attitude to your situation as viewing it as a ‘family’, but it is all in one direction to such an extent it is concerning. And he then has the nerve to feel badly treated? It doesn’t feel right. He should show fulsome appreciation of what you are doing, not criticise you.

Glad he agreed @PersephoneMidnight . I understand he feels like he has no agency etc but hopefully he does acknowledge* that you do* subsidise him, his children and ex wife. There is no harm in him acknowledging this occasionally.
I wonder what his life would look like without you in it.

You are a cash cow to him. You earn more. You pay stuff for his kids like pocket money £160 a month -

you are putting in a large deposit

ring fence it. My friend didn’t and even tho married when they divorced a few years later , she lost her £40k hard earnt deposit

makes you wonder why he’s pushing so much but glad he’s agreed reading tho thread

who will gain when you die

Maybe explain it to him this way. Surely he'd want to leave his share to his daughters in his will. So thia way he gets to enaure his daughters get his share of the house and it doesn't get eaten away by your care home fees as an example.

Eta: just read your update OP. Sounds like you are having the right conversations. Well done

That’s quite a drip feed, that your partner has a brain injury which reduces his earning capacity and that his wife also has health issues. Yes, I agree that you are subsidising them all - but it’s not as clear cut as ‘they saw you coming’.

If your earning power was reversed, what do you think your partner would do? Would he willingly share his inheritance with you? And his higher income? I’m not saying don’t protect yourself and your inheritance (I would probably do what you propose as well) but I guess the key question is: are you a family and what does that mean in your (complicated) situation?

Joint finances when you’re married and have your own kids. Separate finances when you’re unmarried and one person has children. Husband and I have completely joint finances but we are married so I’m (as lower earner) more protected and everything is for our children anyway. Very different if it’s a cohabiting relationship and one person has dependents and the other doesn’t.

I think he’d be taking quite a different position if it was his inheritance and savings…

I am interested in this. How is this different to not being tenants in common? Adult Social Care can’t sell the house from under the surviving tenant now any way (can they?! ). Or do you mean they can’t put a charge on it?

I see that it protects your half - so that can be passed on. Also need to be aware of deprivation of assets. For you prob not an issue but they could ask more questions of your PIL. I am not convinced how often the LA actually go after anyone for that though tbh.

I agree with what everyone is saying on this post re protecting your assets

However, I am also trying to assume he isn’t a gold digger since you’ve been in a relationship a long time. If I were him I would be worried about my security if we were to split or if you were to die.

Ordinarily, you’d expect the house to increase in value and this be split equally, however I’m assuming this wouldn’t be the case in this instance. in which case, he’s probably concerned long term.

Could you match his investment instead? Then the relationship wouldn’t feel so unbalanced?

Also, in your will would you leave the house to him?