Blended family finances

[PersephoneMidnight]

Regular user who has name changed. I am in the process of purchasing my first house with my partner of 10 years. I have a large down payment which consists of a combination of my own savings and an inheritance from my grandfather who died 2 years ago. It’s about half the purchase price, my partner is also contributing to the deposit but only has around £50k. We are disagreeing about how the house will be owned. He is pushing for joint tenants 50/50 whereas I want to be tenants in common with our deposits ringfenced. For context He is 39 earning 52k, he has two teenage daughters who live with us 50% of the week. I am 32 earning 75k with no dependents. We currently rent and split everything 50/50 but I do pay for our holidays, takeaways and days out. I also treat my step daughters with clothes, makeup and give them pocket money £20 a week each and pay for the phones. My partner does pay his ex wife CM £150 a week and covers the kids extra curriculars as she is a low earner.

He thinks I’m being selfish by not agreeing to a joint tenancy and sharing finances after 10 years. I think he is being unreasonable to expect me to basically gift him half of my grandfathers money. We are not married and never will be that’s my choice, I also do not want children. We have never had a joint account or shared finances as he has children and expenses that I do not.

I’m aware that mumsnet normally tells people to have joint finances etc but I feel really uncomfortable about this. I do love my partner and step daughters and they are included in my will but this seems a step too far, aibu?

If he wants a 50/50 arrangement then you both put in equal shares as a deposit and go for a bigger mortgage. That way you protect your inheritance and can invest it or save it or whatever you want. Your personal interests are protected and the argument for unfairness is taken away. You are already very generous with this man and his children and he should appreciate this.

He’s landed right on his feet with you! You are being used and not too subtly either. I would definitely recommend protecting your investment and get separate legal advice how to make this watertight.

Seriously, what do you get out of the relationship other than losing vast amounts of money on another woman's children and a man that calls you selfish for not spending more of your money on this other woman's children?

And let me guess , on top of it all, you do majority in terms of cooking, laundry and cleaning too.

I wouldn't be in a relationship with a man like this, let alone buy a home with/for him.

100%

Seems quite a sad way to live.

Tenants in common with % owned based on what you are paying in. So if house is 500k and your out in 250 and partner 50, you will each have 350 and 150 respectively. So you will own 70% and him 30% but will pay 50/50 on the mortgage. Otherwise just put same deposit down abd iwn 50/50, retaining yoyr inheritance in a separate account.

At only age 32 I'm amazed you're sharing his care of two teenagers.

He clearly started young in terms of having a family.

Many women of your age don't even have a baby yet!

There isn't even a debate around this- it's your money, you;re not married an never want to be, so why would you hand over your inheritance and more to man who might walk away? Or you might .

I was the much lower contributor when I bought with DP a d we did 50/50 but the situation was totally different. No children at the time but we had intention to marry and have kids. Which we did.
If either party had existing children this would not be appropriate.

Ignore the posters saying you shouldn’t contribute to the kids. You are a partnership and until now have been working as a unit and sharing finances even if you didn’t have to. Imagine given your age that your salary wasn’t so high ten years ago & he isn’t quite the gold digger people are making him out to be

Stick to what you are saying. I can understand why he perhaps feels how he does but it is unjustified. He’s wanting it to be like a married couple, and you aren’t.

i think you are already being more than generous with your financial situation and he is hugely benefitting from that. I don’t think this is wrong of you, but you essentially don’t have to do this and are choosing to fair equality (or as much as is possible) allowing him to support his kids mum, and to live a lifestyle he otherwise wouldn’t be able to. he is forgetting this.

you are being sensible and rightly so, as much as we want rose tinted glasses, these things can’t be promised as forever, so we have to take a step back and be sensible even though it’s difficult to do sometimes.

tenants in common and you ringfence your money and he does his.

Can you change the mortgage so that you both put in the same deposit. Then invest your inheritance elsewhere.

Hey come on.

If they met when OP was in her mid 20s, she's been bank rolling him and his children for years.

That is far in excess of what most women in their 20s would do.

Paying £160 a month in pocket money, buying them clothes etc is far more than anyone would expect or is reasonable from a woman still in her early 30s.

She also pays for holidays and days out.

I would also seriously think about a long term future with a man who insists on more than he is due and who has a health condition meaning that at 39 he has to cut back on his own work.

It' bad enough being with someone when ill health sets in later in life, but at 32, it's something to give huge consideration to. Especially when he appears to be greedy over money.

Why would she want to invest it elsewhere?

Also, if at 39 he's cutting back on work because of health issues, it may be that before long he's unable to work and then she'd be the sole provider.

I’m really sorry to read this, even having read your update that you are insisting on tenants in common. Maybe he does describe it as a lack of trust, and I’m really glad you have the background to understand the implications of what he is suggesting.

what measures is he planning to take? Has he for example written a will that leaves his share back to you? You will be aware that if he dies intestate his ‘share’ of your inheritance will go to his children. You will be living in a house that you have financed and no longer own. Would you be ‘allowed’ to stay living there or would you be under pressure to free up his share for his children?

completely understand that you do not want to disrupt the sale but please. He is showing you who he is. please believe him. It’s not just this one decision, it’s how he is thinking about the disparity in your finances.

selfish pah!

My concern is the line he is taking, calling someone so demonstrably generous selfish is really very concerning. What is his argument other than calling you selfish?

It is only going to get worse for you. This will be your reward for your generosity. Please think why is he trying to push your generosity button this early in your joint financial history.

please think about why …. He isn’t thanking you for all that you do for him and his family and instead calling you selfish for asking for more.

Oh gosh OP. Heed the advice here OP! This is really not sensible for you. Even if you were married I would say that you should ring fence your deposits but as you are contributing so much more and are the higher earner (and have no kids) you really must protect yourself.

He is pushing for joint tenants 50/50
Of course he is. I'm sure he wouldn't if it was the other way around.

You are being sensible, he is being grabby. You need to stop paying for all the luxuries for everyone imo. You're just going to teach them they have a right to your money. Paying 5050 is fair considered you earn more but he has more occupants in the house. You don't then need to be subsidising him further.

DEFINITELY ring-fence your deposit and have it expressed as a percentage rather than an amount. So for example, you own the first 50% of the value, plus 50% of the remaining amount/equity. You need this drawn up properly by a lawyer.

I did this years ago when it was called a Property Adjustment Order.

Remember that you have different vulnerabilities because you are not married.

Blending finances is a very risky business as men tend to prioritise their money differently to women.

Thanks for this. Obviously there is a lot of back story and history with DPs health issues a few years back he nearly died and has worked his way back to 30 hours per week. I’m not trying to drip feed but we have been through a lot and he has always paid 50/50 even when he was off sick and earning almost nothing he used savings. I haven’t always earned as much as I do now, I was a graduate when we met earning barely more than minimum wage and living in a flat share.

I love him and the girls a lot, they are all included in my will alongside my siblings and nieces and nephews. The house WILL be owned as tenants in common with my 50% deposit protected. I have investments outside of my savings so I’m not concerned about the need to buy him out in future if we split or pay out his daughters when he dies. I know it sounds like I’m stupid but I’m actually not, I’m pretty good with managing my money and budgeting and savings goals.

Well, turn this on him.... as you both now you'll be together forever anyway, it doesn't matter does it?

I think this is just normal, sensible financial planning. you are already funding him and his DDs which, based on what you've said here, I think is totally fine as you clearly do see it as a partnership and a joint/blended family. And I'd be reminding him of that. But in this particular isntance, it makes no sense for you to agre to completely share finances in the context of this asset.

You have been so generous to your partner and his children and yet he calls you selfish when you don't do something that would hugely benefit him but potentially hugely damage you financially if you split? Sod that, I'd be rethinking everything.

I think this is a boiling frog situation. You met him when you were 22, he was 29 with a 4 yo and a 6 yo. Over the years as you've earnt more and more you've supported his kids and ex more and more. I dearly hope he and his ex haven't always relied on you for childcare as well.

You are the opposite of selfish (maybe slightly mad but that's just my opinion!), how dare he say that. I'd be so angry.

Just don't give him the choice. If he wants to buy this home with you your proportion is protected, end of.

Try to emotionally separate out the relationship you have with the girls from the financial relationship you have with their father. It is lovely that you see the girls as part of your family and want to provide great experiences for them.

But now you have to put on your hard financial head and sort out your finances with their father. As others have said if you stay together then being tenants in common doesn’t really make any difference, especially if you have a tightly worded will. You do need however to think of the worst case scenario, you could split up and then you would be really scuppered.

Think of it as an insurance policy, eg you insure your car and hope you never have an accident, but if you do you want the insurance to make good, so if you have an old banger third party is ok, but for a decent car you want fully comp. He is expecting you you to do third party on your top of the range BMW that he is a named driver on, and to soak up the difference if the car gets written off!

I earn similar to your partner and have one teenage son with me 100% of the time and receive nothing from his dad and never have and pay for every single thing including all holidays etc so he should have more than enough to even contribute to these things! Amd my rent is high!

I would not be sharing any possible inheritance with anyone except my son. Dont do it.

I do pay for our holidays, takeaways and days out. I also treat my step daughters with clothes, makeup and give them pocket money £20 a week each and pay for the phones.

He is doing really well out of this deal isn't he?

No way, don't do it.
And why are you responsible for buying makeup and gifts for SD? And takeaways for everyone?

You're being taken for a ride and he's clearly trying to rip you off.

Outside of this our relationship is very positive, we share domestic duties and enjoy spending time together both as a couple and family
He's keeping you sweet because he wants to get his hands on your money.