DP wants to end relationship over old videos on my phone

[July26]

NC’d for understandable reasons.

DP went through my phone last night, and found very old videos I hadn’t deleted of me and my ex. Extremely stupid I know, both to have taken them in the first place (not something I was keen on, and my face isn’t visible), and to have not deleted them. But honestly, I forgot they were on there. I’ve got stuff on my phone going back nearly 10 years, it all carries over when I’ve upgraded my phone and I’ve never looked back at it/got round to deleting things.

He went mental, said we are over and he doesn’t want to listen to my ‘excuses’, he considers it a betrayal and questions whether I’ve still looked at them regularly when alone.

I am distraught, I love him and can’t imagine my life without him in it. We don’t live together but he was staying here this weekend and stormed out last night. He has ignored me today but I don’t seem to be blocked.

Do you think ending the relationship is over the top? Would you give it a day or two before contacting him again?

@SouthLondonMum22can’t remember but the consensus is why has the boyfriend/husband kept them.

No one is saying they’d be “fine” with it though. They’re just saying the way he reacted contains some red flags for the OP to be mindful of and think about - particularly if he has form for this kind of behaviour.

He’ll never let this drop.

This.

To go by experience and peer experiences, many women keep mementos like this due to happy memories, sadness over lost love or (mostly!!) due to not administrating their private phone camera gallery efficiently and men keep them as wank material, a signifier of still having control and/or to show friends. And then each project their motivation onto it. So men go beserk and assume you're wanking over an ex and women either write it off as bad admin or assume you're still in love with the ex.

Appreciate that's a pretty sexist take - it is. We do still live in a massively sexist world though. He's projecting you do what he would do (or does do) with private pics/videos of an ex and he cannot cope with it.

Taking a video is against your morals and values? What do you mean?

The fact that the video is so old is a big part of the context for me and the fact that I'm against DP's feeling entitled to snoop through phones just because they are DP's.

A 10 year old picture of an ex wouldn't bother me either though.

Team DP, why on earth haven’t you deleted the videos?!

Is he upset that you made the videos or that you kept the videos?

If it's the first one then you're not the right fit for each other and the relationship has no future.

If it's the second one wait until he calms down and is capable of a more rational discussion.

@SouthLondonMum22 I agree that you can have old videos & photos floating around & have forgotten about them. I was just making the point when it’s the other way around it’s assumed the man has kept them purposefully as opposed to forgotten they existed.

I wouldn't believe he was 'just looking for a photo' as he wouldn't have had to go that far back. He had no right to do that. Having said that it must have been a shock for him. It's going to be hard going forward as his reaction has been so extreme.

I don't know what isn't clear to you? We're not talking about videos of dinners from vacations in Spain, they're sex videos - or to me, private pornography. And yes, pornography doesn't align with my morals and values.

I wouldn’t contact him at all tbh. He wasn’t looking for holiday photos was he? Why would he need to go back through 10 years worth of media for that. He was looking and found something he didn’t like. I genuinely don’t believe anyone could forget they have photos/videos like that so I wouldn’t believe you if you said that and think you’d deliberately kept them. I can understand him feeling jealous or upset because of course it wouldn’t be nice to see however they were before you were with him and he shouldn’t of been snooping

To go by experience and peer experiences, many women keep mementos like this due to happy memories, sadness over lost love or (mostly!!) due to not administrating their private phone camera gallery efficiently and men keep them as wank material, a signifier of still having control and/or to show friends

Whereas I would think both men & women are capable of forgetting what’s on their phones from years ago. My photo sometimes randomly sends me memory things & Im surprised what comes up.

He may not necessarily have had to scroll back through 10 years of videos, my phone sorts images by trips, faces er.

I can certainly understand why he would be upset to come across that on your phone. But his reaction was over the top on my opinion. He may feel differently when he's calmed down. Unless of course he was looking for a reason to end things?

I'm not very possessive of my husband but if I saw that on his phone I would be knocked completely sick & probably pretty nuclear ngl

Course they wouldn’t. People are such hypocrites it’s unbelievable. First, going through someone’s phone is actively encouraged by many on here when the owner of the phone is male. Second, people would be full of sympathy and advocate ending the relationship if someone discovered a sex video of their partner with an ex. I can’t compute keeping it and forgetting about it. Equally I would be so upset and consider ending the relationship if my partner had a sex video with his ex saved on his phone. I wouldn’t believe it’s the sort of thing someone forgets they have and I’d see it as an active choice not to delete it. I’d also find it hard to look at him the same way if I’d seen him having sex with his ex.

Or different members of MN are responding to this thread? I have never encouraged someone to snoop through someone's phone and never would, man or woman.

I wouldn’t normally rush to say end a relationship but OP you’re not in the wrong here.. he is. You should be angry with him. He can’t have ‘accidentally’ come across the video and if he has it’s none of his business, it was an old relationship. I would be really peed off by this and worried about him being overbearingly jealous in the future.Or sorry to say it but this is just an excuse from him to end things. If it were me at the very least I wouldn’t contact him and would let him get in touch first.

It's over, OP is sad, but there's no way back; he will no longer be able to get the images out of his head. I also think it's a good reminder not to have any explicit content on your devices from previous partners, as I don't believe anyone would be overjoyed at discovering it

Let him go, he wants to go, let him.. He sounds like the sort who's not going to forget this anyway going forward and that would be tiresome to say the least.
You'll be ok, perhaps even better than with someone who reacts like this.

Interesting when OP's partner "stumbled" 😂on the videos, he didn't get embarrassed and move quickly on, once he realised what they were. No, he was so horrified that he took the time to sit and watch them all. Isn't that a bit like walking in on someone sitting on their own loo and instead of exiting quickly, hanging around complaining you don't like the smell of shit?

He's not feeling betrayed, he's feeling insecure. You've had an "active" life before you met him and he doesn't like that. Plus, you've never looked at the videos since but he still chooses to believe you're lying because it justifies his outrage.
OP if you stay with this man, this will be thrown in your face whenever you argue. Move on.

Presumably she means she wouldn't want to be videoed having s*x
What bit didn't you get?

People seem to fail to understand that you don't have to scroll, photo apps, group by categories and also have a search capability.

It sounds like they allow each other to use their phones. I think he has overreacted, but it can't be very nice to watch a video like that, even if it is old.