DP wants to end relationship over old videos on my phone

[July26]

NC’d for understandable reasons.

DP went through my phone last night, and found very old videos I hadn’t deleted of me and my ex. Extremely stupid I know, both to have taken them in the first place (not something I was keen on, and my face isn’t visible), and to have not deleted them. But honestly, I forgot they were on there. I’ve got stuff on my phone going back nearly 10 years, it all carries over when I’ve upgraded my phone and I’ve never looked back at it/got round to deleting things.

He went mental, said we are over and he doesn’t want to listen to my ‘excuses’, he considers it a betrayal and questions whether I’ve still looked at them regularly when alone.

I am distraught, I love him and can’t imagine my life without him in it. We don’t live together but he was staying here this weekend and stormed out last night. He has ignored me today but I don’t seem to be blocked.

Do you think ending the relationship is over the top? Would you give it a day or two before contacting him again?

Time to buy a massive strap on and give him what he wants.

I had sympathy for your dp before you explained what has upset him. I (like many other posters) assumed he felt let down by you keeping videos with initimate scenes with your ex. But now he is saying he reacted so strongly because it has been hard for him to go without doing things he likes & you were doing them in the videos - all / nearly all my sympathy has gone. He is just manipulating you OP! There was no need for a huge over-reaction, it is just a tantrum to get what he wants! He could have had a grown-up conversation with you along the lines of - I saw the videos, that made me sad that you still kept them, I also saw you doing X in them, that I like but you don’t want to do anymore, and ask you why, what has changed for you, a grown-up conversation about your sex life etc. Not storming out & emotional threats & then manipulating you to get you to do X!

Phone: "Look at this random video from eight years ago." Mine does this, on Photos, Facebook and other apps without searching.

😂

I can't think if anything less erotic than watching a film of my partner getting pegged

That the OH shouldn't be looking at videos if it's a photo he's supposed to be looking for?

so you think women shouldnt be 'allowed' to change their mind about what sex acts they want to do at any given time? Do you think they 'owe' a partner a sex act because they have done it 10 years ago with somebody else?

looked for the vomit emoji but here wasnt one

He was looking through your phone? That isnt normal. Let him go.

They should certainly delete them from their phone if they are with a former partner, and the are with a new partner.

A man would be expected to do so, so why not a woman?

He sounds ridiculously overly emotional.

I don’t think I would bother contact him again.

He could have handled this so much better. To raise that he is uncomfortable with you having them and ask you to delete. But he is having a hissy fit because you don’t pay attention to what’s on your phone from years ago. He’s a weirdo.

This is incredibly manipulative on his partner. It’s fine to be comfortable trying something at one point in life and then deciding it’s not for you as you are older.

Why do you even want him?

But sometimes people forget. It’s human nature. And clearly, if these were ten years old they pre dated OP’s relationship with this man by eight years. She also had no problem handing her DP her phone so obviously there was no ulterior motive for keeping them. The problem here is that he wasn’t so bothered about the photos being there as he was about a sex act that OP doesn’t want to engage in, so it’s not really a fair comparison. I’d bet the farm that this isn’t the end of it. The photos will be brought up again and again at every cross word and pressure will be brought to bear to perform that act that he now has to ‘live without’.

I know the OP has confirmed what the act was, but if it was what I had guessed, I would assume it would be filmed by a phone (or video camera!) propped up somewhere, or him using her phone, or his phone and sending the videos to her?

😂

Same here

Pet friend memories
Restaurant memories
Illicit shagging memories

well yeah the op messed up there but that doesnt mean your disgusting comment is OK.
your comment is the literal equivalent of saying a husband cant rape a wife as they had sex once.

conveniently missed out the bit where hes pressuring her for something she doesnt want to do?

What are you shiteing on about?! 😆

If this sex act is so offensive then why did she keep multiple videos of them on her phone for so long? Not the sort of thing one would forget, you'd imagine!

You actually can forget. I do.

Nobody is going to forget doing this act and being filmed and having the film on their phone.

Really??? Fucking hell...

OP didn’t say she found it offensive, she said she didn’t want to do it any more. Totally different thing. People grow and change and ten years is a long time. OP says she is open to her DP using her phone and had no qualms about him accessing it, so clearly is telling the truth when she says she forgot the photos were there. If she hasn’t viewed them for years why wouldn’t she ? Or are you suggesting that her DP is reasonable to be annoyed that she won’t do the ‘act’ with him, just because she did it with someone else years ago ?

Oh and OP said the videos amounted to half an hour of footage and the ‘act’ was only on one of them, so he clearly had a good scroll through before he decided he was disgusted by them.

but thats not what the thread is about, is it? Its about him pressuring her to do something she doesnt want to, and gross rapey posters implying she should because she did it 10 years ago with a different partner, as if people dont have any autonomy over their own sex life.

Just checked updates. Love the conclusion.

“Glad you understand about the vids now, deleted and forgotten, I won’t peg you up the bum though but howz about a pizza at the weekend”

None of us have suggested that OP pegs him. We’ve only said that we can understand the disappointment if OP said that she doesn’t want to peg him, then he finds videos of her literally pegging another man on her phone. Of course his feelings are going to be hurt. It doesn’t give him the right to expect it, but it would sting to see that. OP was stupid to have her own pegging porn on her phone if pegging is a boundary for her.