DP wants to end relationship over old videos on my phone

[July26]

NC’d for understandable reasons.

DP went through my phone last night, and found very old videos I hadn’t deleted of me and my ex. Extremely stupid I know, both to have taken them in the first place (not something I was keen on, and my face isn’t visible), and to have not deleted them. But honestly, I forgot they were on there. I’ve got stuff on my phone going back nearly 10 years, it all carries over when I’ve upgraded my phone and I’ve never looked back at it/got round to deleting things.

He went mental, said we are over and he doesn’t want to listen to my ‘excuses’, he considers it a betrayal and questions whether I’ve still looked at them regularly when alone.

I am distraught, I love him and can’t imagine my life without him in it. We don’t live together but he was staying here this weekend and stormed out last night. He has ignored me today but I don’t seem to be blocked.

Do you think ending the relationship is over the top? Would you give it a day or two before contacting him again?

Why would you be looking in a partners phone to find it?

Yes. That’s normal with cloud storage.

I’m sure nobody would like to see this, but he shouldn’t be looking in the first place.

People are also allowed to have a past and he has absolutely no right to get angry at her or make her feel bad for anything she done in a previous relationship before meeting him.

He’s a controlling man child and needs to grow up.

Yes, it’s all the man’s fault.
LTB.

I think he’s being ridiculous. I also wouldn’t care if I stumbled across an old clip like that on my DP’s phone. I’d certainly ask him to delete it, but I wouldn’t think he’d done anything wrong by having it in the first place.

However, whenever I’ve seen threads on here where it’s the OP finding similar content on their boyfriend’s phone, generally the response is quite different to the one you’re getting.

I think people are being harsh on your partner to be honest. I’d be upset if I saw an old video too, especially an explicit one. He obviously loves you and it’s made him feel weird seeing it

Why was he going through your phone? How come he has your passcode? That in itself is not right. His reaction to to fact you had a sex life before meeting him is completely irrational.

He didn't accidentally stumble across a video from ten years ago! He was snooping and nosying, and did a LOT of scrolling before he came across something this old FFS.

OP I do think he's over-reacting. But I'm from the pre-smartphone era as far as dating behaviour is concerned (been married 20 years) and perhaps there is an established etiquette that demanded you delete those videos.

What I find odd is that his mind immediately goes to 'she still looks at these videos (and draws enjoyment from them)'. Why would he think that? Does he have any reason to think you use pornographic material? Does he? If he thinks those videos would turn you on, presumably he gets turned on by similar?

It feels a bit like he's creating a situation where you beg him to take you back and he'll expect you to be grateful if he does. Someone up thread mentioned the term 'controlling'. I'm afraid I find that plausible.

So it looks to me you have a bigger problem on your hands than just getting over the issue of these videos. I hope I'm being pessimistic.

Does your ex have a bigger 🍆 than him? If so then suspect that is the issue! He’s being a prick. Did he expect you to have been a nun before you met him? As you say you haven’t exactly hidden access to your phone - it was just unfortunate they were kept. I’d be calling his bluff. Tell him you’re sorry he found them, you hadn’t realised you’d kept them and you will delete them. But that’s the end of it and you will walk if he keeps acting like a whinging child over the fact you had a sex life before you met him (oh the very thought!!)

I would end a relationship because of sex videos with exes, because making these kind of videos in the first place don't align at all with my morals and values. I couldn't be with someone who's basically produced private pornography. With other people, even. That makes it even worse.

But I wouldn't react as your boyfriend. I'd just calmly tell you these videos are a deal-breaker for me and wish you a nice life.

How long have you been together, OP? Because if it’s anything less than 9 1/2 years then the holiday he was looking for shouldn’t have been that far back should it?

I think you were silly to have these on your phone. But there are notable red flags. For a start, going back that far to find videos... he was actively searching! And now he's stormed out. But I 100% guarantee he will be back... with the full expectation that you will be grovelling and apologetic and will never question anything he ever does ever again AND that you will do everything he wants at all times, forever.

I wouldn’t be trawling through his phone in the first place, but if I did find a video like that from years ago before we ever got together, I wouldn’t be upset or think he’d done anything wrong.

I expect I’d wish I could unsee it, certainly, and I’d probably ask if he could please delete it. But I wouldn’t be angry that it existed.

It’s not commercial porn where people can be exploited! It’s two consenting people who were in a relationship at the time! Huge difference!

Usual double standards abound I see.

If this was a woman finding pictures of her partner and his ex having a shag that he’d held on to not one person would be saying that she was in the wrong for going through his phone.

In fact whenever a woman finds something on their partner’s phone this is used as instant justification for having gone through it in the first place “you presumably wouldn’t be looking through his phone if you didn’t have suspicions’ is a line which is frequently trotted out on here.

And let’s not pretend that the old “I wasn’t really keen” line isn’t the oldest line in the book.

You did the act, you video’d it, and you held on to it. Everyone would be saying that he likely watches the videos if this was a man, but because the OP is a woman she’s of course an innocent party in all this.

Nobody forgets to get rid of video’s they didn’t actually want to participate in. Don’t take the bloke for a mug.

I would absolutely end it as well on the basis that you think it’s perfectly ok to have sexy video’s of you and an ex on your phone to presumably enjoy.

Does he display other OTT jealous behaviours?

Is he annoyed that you haven’t deleted them? Tbh I would find it weird to find sexual videos of DHs & his ex on his phone.

Bet he watches porn though.

He's a jealous loser. Get rid.

Hes looking for an excuse.

Yes, it’s worse.

Because it’s an actual relationship where people were having sex where the party has chosen to keep the video’s.

Nothing to do with exploitation and everything to do with enjoyment of a previous ex even though they’re apparently in a new relationship.

Why was he going through your phone?

Exactly this

It wasn't an accident, he was having a really good look at your old pics

If you take him back he'll bring this up to punish you, call you a slag, I guarantee.

I’m sure I have threads where women have found photos of old girlfriends & the responses are somewhat different.

Were the photos 10 years old?