DH feels financially responsible for our adult DC

[Femalefootyfan1]

I’m not sure if I’m the one being unreasonable or my DH so I’d appreciate some others opinions.
DH and I were having a conversation about our adult DC and he was saying how he feels financially responsible for them.
Our DC are all in their 30’s, one lives overseas, one is married with their own DC and one is single living in a property that we own mortgage free, paying us rent of around a third of market rental price.
We are already gifting them small sums each month and are actively seeking ways in which we can potentially minimise inheritance tax post 2027. Each of our DC’s have had financial support in the past and they all know that should the need arise that they need further help, we would look at how we could do that. We also help with regular childcare for our GC and health and location allowing, we would offer childcare for any future GC.
I disagree with DH on financial responsibility as they are all adults living independently, paying mortgage or rent, all working in good careers and managing holidays, bills, clothings, social lives etc and they all have savings too.
What do others think? Am I being unreasonable to suggest to DH that he should stop feeling so responsible or just let him continue to feel this way and I just keep quiet?
I should add, in case it’s relevant, that my relationship with our DC isn’t as close as the one DH has with them so I’m not sure if that’s clouding my judgement or not.
Of course I will always want to help them and be a support to them but I don’t feel we should be financially responsible for them in the same way my DH does.

Are you and your dh both still earning?

I fall on the side of your dh and for however long I am capable to supporting them no matter their circumstances - I will do it.

When you dh say dh is closer to your children… all of them?

Is giving money away affecting your lifestyle?

I mean i would be doing similar to what you guys are doing and if my Dd wanted for anything I’d probably provide it because I’m a soft touch when it comes to her.

You guys sound like you are already doing a lot, what does he mean by responsibie for them? I think a lot of parents always feel responsible for their children, it’s comes with being a parent I think. We are adults yet when we go home to see DH’s family we always seem to leave with a wad of cash. We are in our 40’s.

People can feel how they want.

does he actually give them much money?

my mum and dad have managed their tax affairs by giving the grandchildren house deposits etc so that they don’t pay inheritance tax.

if you are likely to pay inheritance tax it makes sense to do some tax planning.

We have 5 adult children between them and even though they all work, still pay their cars, phones and health insurance. Dh sees himself as fully financially responsible for them.. there as a back up. Can’t see it changing.

It's nice to help your children, but if they are all working I wonder whether gifting them money each month isn't actively manufacturing financial dependency, encouraging them to rely on that extra money in order to keep them close.

DH probably doesn't think that's what he's doing, but it sounds a little as though the monthly money is to keep your working adult children on a short leash.

I fundamentally disagree with adults being babied to this extent. It creates entitled people, imo.

As the DIL of someone like this, I find it incredibly patronizing. I don’t need PIL’s cash, which would likely come with conditions anyway. FIL is always saying things like he doesn’t know how we manage, blah blah. He once bought BIL an extra travel insurance policy when he went away because he thought he didn’t have one. Of course he did! He needs to keep his beak out of our financial affairs and recognise us for the adults we are.

Oh I had loads of support from my parents and now I’m a single parent, professional and completely financially independent.

It did bugger all other than really help in enjoying life for both me and my children.

and I plan to do exactly the same with mine.

Life can be tough. If your parents are helping you out in life - all the better for it. Even if that extra is just going to enjoy the finer things in life

Can you define financially responsible? What exactly does that mean?

And can you articulate, but don’t have to, what you mean with your relationship isn’t as close as your husbands, and to the extent it could cloud your judgement? Are they your children?

But your husband accepts it gratefully?

I think you’re projecting and wanted to tell your story the op has said nothing like this.

We do all of those things for our adult DC but I don't feel financially responsible for them. I just feel very grateful that we are able to help. Despite being in good careers it's hard for their generation and I feel like it's better they had our money now when they need it than when we are dead. (Subject of course to us keeping sufficient funds for old age / care).
They aren't entitled and there are zero demands, it's not transactional just given with love.

I am more like your DH and my DH is more like you (although our DC are younger than yours). But although my natural response is to give my children anything I can, when I think about it rationally I agree with my DH and I'm relieved that he's around to stop me from being "too" generous and not letting my DC stand on their own feet.

They sound quite pampered as it is.

Is it the cash gifts that you object to, OP, or just that he feels responsible? If you're both happy with your actual actions- giving now to save IHT- does it matter that you feel differently about whether the gifts are due to a sense of responsibility or just because it's tax efficient?

god, I would feel so embarrassed to be in my thirties and have my parents still give me pocket money every month. Even more so for the one whose rent you pay the majority of as well. When does your DH actually envision them growing up and standing on their own two feet?

Helping out when needed - great.
Knowing they've always got a home with you if they really needed it - wonderful
Treating them now and again (paying for a meal out, something special for their birthday) - fine.
Practical assistance - babysitting GC, lifts to the airport, helping move house - lovely (although should be reciprocated)
Occasional larger gifts to avoid inheritance tax - sensible

But giving them money every single month with no expectation it will end? Paying for their housing in their thirties? That's just infantilising them imho.

god, I would feel so embarrassed to be in my thirties and have my parents still give me pocket money every month. I didn’t in the slightest! Bloody loved it. My earnings on life and bringing up two children as a single parent

that money? Massage, Botox. Brunches out with friends, car upgrade. Lovely!

They're adults earning thier own money, why on earth would they need handouts?

I agree about the money being more useful to them in their 30s than as an inheritance when they might potentially be in their 60s - however that applies better to lump sums they can use for big purchases or housing deposits rather than a monthly allowance they rely on to live beyond their means and will be stuffed without!

It sounds like he financially helps them because you more than have the means? Has the financial help hindered you and your DH in any way? Stopped you doing things? Stopped retirement etc?
Personally when my children are grown up, any money left after all my means have been covered I would deem as being more useful to my adult children with young families vs piling up under the bed.
It’s not exactly an uncommon pov.

Well speaking for myself when I was in my thirties and receiving monthly deposit for my dad… I didn’t need it.

but I bloomin loved it!

Still tends to create entitled adults – we can agree to disagree on that.

Besides, OP reports they are all otherwise self-sufficient adults. I look down on any adult still getting pocket money from mummy and daddy.

What do you see as an entitled adult?

had my dad said… i am going to stop this as I can’t afford it for example, I would have just hugged him and said - but all the years you did do it, were massively appreciated and thank you so much