DH feels financially responsible for our adult DC

[Femalefootyfan1]

I’m not sure if I’m the one being unreasonable or my DH so I’d appreciate some others opinions.
DH and I were having a conversation about our adult DC and he was saying how he feels financially responsible for them.
Our DC are all in their 30’s, one lives overseas, one is married with their own DC and one is single living in a property that we own mortgage free, paying us rent of around a third of market rental price.
We are already gifting them small sums each month and are actively seeking ways in which we can potentially minimise inheritance tax post 2027. Each of our DC’s have had financial support in the past and they all know that should the need arise that they need further help, we would look at how we could do that. We also help with regular childcare for our GC and health and location allowing, we would offer childcare for any future GC.
I disagree with DH on financial responsibility as they are all adults living independently, paying mortgage or rent, all working in good careers and managing holidays, bills, clothings, social lives etc and they all have savings too.
What do others think? Am I being unreasonable to suggest to DH that he should stop feeling so responsible or just let him continue to feel this way and I just keep quiet?
I should add, in case it’s relevant, that my relationship with our DC isn’t as close as the one DH has with them so I’m not sure if that’s clouding my judgement or not.
Of course I will always want to help them and be a support to them but I don’t feel we should be financially responsible for them in the same way my DH does.

A monthly allowance suggests otherwise

There seems to have been a fundamental cultural shift around financial support of adult children. I find it quite odd. I have been financially independent since I was 21. My wonderful and generous parents would certainly have helped me if I'd ever faced a crisis but so far (touch wood) I haven't. But there is no way I would accept (or expect) regular handouts, much less something large like help toward a house deposit. My DH and I are professionals, we can support our family just fine, thank you.

It seems that some adults believe that their parents owe them financial assistance. Not just if they encounter serious problems but as a matter of course. I honestly can't get my head around this entitlement and I don't think that infantilising adults does anyone any favours in the long run. You've done a great deal for your children @Femalefootyfan1and in your shoes I would certainly step back.

And yet I literally said I wouldn’t. I know it’s very common on here to cry ‘jealousy’ when you don’t agree with a post, and sometimes it might just need a wee bit more thought than that.

No it doesn't, all it does is mean that the money is spread out across the year rather than being sent as a birthday gift, for example.

Its his own feeling. I think you are both similar in that you would always help if they needed, he feels that is a responsibility you feel that is a back up plan unlikely to be required.

I wouldn't consider myself financially responsible for adult children unless I was funding their life as they couldnt support themselves with basics (may be the case for the child with cheap rent). But definitely not always the case.

The only problem would be if one of you wants to spend money the other wants save/give to children.

If the responsibility is causing him pressure it is an issue, but if it is just how he feels then he is entitled to feel how he likes and to manage those feelings if they becomes a problem.

I actually think it’s funny that people try to claim they would be far too mortified to accept any money from their loaded family. Do these people to turn down Christmas gifts or inheritance money? Or is it just help they don’t have offered that they claim they wouldn’t accept?

We bought our home on our own, structured our payments for our income but parents over the years have gifted £100k to pay down the mortgage, a car, investments for each child, 80k for a kitchen, a monthly amount from being gifted a rented property and pay school fees.
Absolutely none of it is demanded so there’s no entitlement, they are wealthy enough and willing to help and would be offended if we said no, and they have worked all their life to be able to give to their children so would prefer to see it benefit all the DC’s lives while they’re around rather than everyone having a bit less upon their death.

I can tell you there are no apron strings, I feel zero guilt, zero embarrassment. I actually just feel a happy and content existence with zero money worries and content with our decent savings, no consumer debt and small mortgage.

Why are you assuming that someone who gets financial help is entitled?

My parents send me money every year. I don't ask for it. I don't need it. I run a successful business (as does DH). We own our home and don't have any debts. Mostly the money sits in savings or gets used on things like car repairs so my own savings account can stay untouched.

I disagree. If op stopped the monthly payments they would most certainly notice it, and if they don’t, then they shouldn’t be paid it at all if they are so wealthy.

I definitely think the dc of today have a much tougher ride, but running your pensions down to zero hoping you die at 70 isn’t smart. Unless you are extremely wealthy and will never need the money it could impoverish many people into older age.

I always find threads like this so mental because it makes me realise how many of my friends must still be getting pocket money from their parents. 😂

Why would you think that? What an odd thing to comment on. It’s exactly what FIL would say, in a half joking way - he’ll be responsible for everyone financially until the day he dies. Except he won’t be, because we don’t want or need his money! It’s as though that’s the role he’s assigned himself and it sounds like the OP’s DH is similar. Lots of parallels in my book.

I think it’s good to charge rent as that’s how the real world works

but also nice to help out kids if you can and even more so if when you die it helps with the tax bill

I think it’s a pretty normal feeling, I will help my dd out for as long as I’m able too no matter her age. I’m 41 and my dad is always messaging me asking if I’ve got enough money or if I need anything

I mean, I get sent money every year and would certainly notice if it stopped, but that doesn't mean I need it or feel entitled to it

OP isn't being "run down to zero" either. I'm not sure where you're coming up with that.

I agree.

If it helps, I’m very close to my children yet I don’t plan on doing this. Gifts here and there if we can afford it and they need it for something specific- yes. A no interest loan to be paid back in tiny sums or at a delayed date- yes. Monthly allowance to working, financially comfortable adults- no.

However the difference between me and you is that whilst my pension will be ok, it won’t be amazing so it would likely impact on my lifestyle. Maybe I would feel different if it didn’t.

I love this for you and I hope to do this for my children.

Fuck’s sake, this isn’t about me and my marriage. I totally understand my marriage, you were asking about it if you recall!

was asking the OP whether there was something like that behind her concerns because it makes more sense than it just being about the money.

Now pay attention and stop handing out opinions without actually reading (or perhaps understanding) what people say! You’ve come across as very patronising, while also being wrong.

wtf, you wrote “In my marriage I would like some attention. Thought. Consideration. Not to be a part of the furniture, taken for granted.”

I only asked if you couldn’t buy your own stuff,

Are you gifting your money monthly as "gifts out of excess income" to reduce iht. if you are you need a detailed spreadsheet of each month's income and expenditure showing where your money is going. You can't just say "I had £xx left over and give it so if you haven't started doing this you need to start. My husband's cousin has been giving money regularly for 18 months to a good friend and she is now having to go back through all her bank statements for that 18 months to detail every item of income and expenditure in a spreadsheet. She has mnd and is getting her affairs in order to make it easier for my husband and I who are executors.

Just a heads up. After 7 years you can knock off the first year but you will need 7 years records.

It’s not about buying stuff!!! That’s the point! It’s about not coming after the children. Even when they are grown up!

Pp said that so maybe read the whole thread. Where pp have said they intend to run their own money to zero and live on basic state aid. The fact is old age is when we will most need to comfort and cushion of money and access to the best healthcare. Unless of course many are expecting said dc to look after them, and we all know where that ends up!!

My kids were already independent by the time I started helping them.

But as a widow of 70, inheritance tax has become something that seems quite real. As does deprivation of assets. So I want to help my kids while I'm able to do that without repercussions.

Neither of my DDs are in the position we were at their age. Despite being in their late thirties, their houses are too small to be forever family homes (we live in the relatively expensive southeast) , and as everyone recognises, their generation hasn't been as fortunate as mine.

I don't give them monthly allowances or anything like that, but on two occasions I've given them significant amounts of money to save towards the next step up the ladder. And the interest from one of my savings accounts goes towards one DD's offset mortgage. They both know to come to me in a variety of circumstances that we've discussed.

If either of them showed signs of entitlement or taking me for granted, I'd stop. But so far they've been nothing but appreciative, and they frequently check that I can afford to do this. Which I can

But if OP and her husband are experiencing no impact to the lifestyle they want to live, or the things they can afford to do, they are even retired early, then how is she coming after the children?

I'm aware - but I was talking about the OP, not other posters.

It isn’t just about money is it @Femalefootyfan1 ? Your DH is happier to help them out practically and be involved regularly?