DH feels financially responsible for our adult DC

[Femalefootyfan1]

I’m not sure if I’m the one being unreasonable or my DH so I’d appreciate some others opinions.
DH and I were having a conversation about our adult DC and he was saying how he feels financially responsible for them.
Our DC are all in their 30’s, one lives overseas, one is married with their own DC and one is single living in a property that we own mortgage free, paying us rent of around a third of market rental price.
We are already gifting them small sums each month and are actively seeking ways in which we can potentially minimise inheritance tax post 2027. Each of our DC’s have had financial support in the past and they all know that should the need arise that they need further help, we would look at how we could do that. We also help with regular childcare for our GC and health and location allowing, we would offer childcare for any future GC.
I disagree with DH on financial responsibility as they are all adults living independently, paying mortgage or rent, all working in good careers and managing holidays, bills, clothings, social lives etc and they all have savings too.
What do others think? Am I being unreasonable to suggest to DH that he should stop feeling so responsible or just let him continue to feel this way and I just keep quiet?
I should add, in case it’s relevant, that my relationship with our DC isn’t as close as the one DH has with them so I’m not sure if that’s clouding my judgement or not.
Of course I will always want to help them and be a support to them but I don’t feel we should be financially responsible for them in the same way my DH does.

Agreed - wr have planned and put by money for our care - our adult kids know this, we shared our thinking and they are fully supportive. Put your own oxygen mask on first!

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. I have family in the same situation, interestingly both the parents will have swing and roundabouts in their feelings so not always on the same side.

in one example my DU thinks a certain spouse isn’t pulling his weight in supporting his wife and child and doesn’t offer any thanks for when items are paid for for by the parents. That grates DU.

in my Aunt’s case, she feels abandoned by her daughter who only calls when money is required.

How my family tried to deal with it is pay for a family annual holiday that everyone gets to enjoy, but no more cash.

when money was being gifted to offspring, the other received the same regardless or neither at all.

That worked, but then the DD started to buy her groceries on the family credit card, so opened a new wound. Back to DU’s position…

is your DH trying to compensate for younger years? Maybe that needs to be addressed.

in the meanwhile can you work to a budget if how much gifting is done? Could it be set aside for larger purchases that will mean something to the DC layer on.

They are in their 30’s, so no, you are not financially responsible for them.

Bravo Tina, mamabear always got the children's back.

No, you're not responsible for them - they are grown adults with jobs. If they had disabilities or care needs that would be entirely different, but successful, working adults? No.

By all means, give house deposits or emergency help, but honest to God- some of these replies! Paying the phone contracts for your adult children?? Just why?

Stop infantilising them - it does not help.

My brothers and I are very adult. Our dad (mum died years ago) is very financially astute so has been able to be very generous with his children. We don't get a monthly amount but every so often for Christmas he will gift us some money for which we a very grateful for- we are all professionals with decent jobs. I hope to be able to help my daughter in this way.

If a genuine post, you have various problems other than cashflow to think about.

However, you’ve asked about cashflow so…my main query would be whether you are blunting ambition and drive by giving. If so, have a think (and perhaps still give). If not, of course continue to give.

There’s something ‘off’ about this thread.

Same here. My MIL was fantastic, she paid for loads of thing for the children that we could never of afforded , and I’ll always be grateful.

I think there is a lot to unpack here OP.
im in a similar position to you age wise and financially and although I don’t give my adult children a monthly allowance, I regularly help them out financially. For example this month I’ve helped one child by buying new school uniform for their three children, including shoes. I’ve bought a new vacuum cleaner for another child. I always pay when we eat out. They don’t expect this but I can afford it and it helps them. But, and it’s a big but, I don’t skimp on stuff for us, and I sit down with my DH and discuss finance each month. We jointly decide how much we spend on holidays and if one of us wants a four star hotel, that’s what we book. Why don’t you sit down and have a conversation on how you feel before it leads to more resentment and falling out.
re the closeness to your children, I think this comes in waves and isn’t linear so it could be that, although he’s closer to them now, it may not follow that it will always be the case.
good luck OP, I admire your honesty.

who is @didimum?

I think it’s lovely OP. You can obv afford it and aren’t going without and it sounds like your DC appreciate it.

We help our adult kids out … cars, house deposits, mobiles, small monthly transfer etc. they are both very hard working but with the COL life is quite hard for them.

I couldn’t sit on a lot of money and watch them struggle. They appreciate it very much.

Excellent comment. Couldn’t say it better.

I always find the " couldnt watch them struggle" quotes very strange

Surely just handing over money stops them from making better decisions, learning, budgeting etc

Most of the "struggling" people arent really struggling they are just making poor decisionsflashy cars and the parents are shielding them from the consequences

I don't think shielding someone from struggling is necessarily a good thing. I have observed people including myself, go through hardship and challenge and getting through it makes you stronger - they don't have to be life changing but solving problems yourself feels great! Being denied that opportunity isn't always a kindness for the recipient - but ultimately a selfish act by the giver - who does it to makes themselves feel good - they have been the white knight swooping in and fixing the problem. Ultimately reducing the ability for the recipient to feel empowered and independent. How much of this is insecurity - a desire to keep your adult children dependent and close to you? Without the cash supplementation would they still be as close - would they love you as much?

Not everyone of course - some people are born fiercely independent and money will not alter their perspective. But I'm sure it does for many.

I don't have any children. But if I had I would prefer to gift them money while I was alive rather than see it go into the grubby hands of the tax man when I was dead. This is what many people will do if the plans for a global IHT come to fruition. People will simply alter their behaviour and find way to pass it on to their kids or someone they value. I don't blame them.The tax man sucks you dry when you are alive so why give them another chance when you are no longer around.

Agree @Findyourdomain

@Friendlygingercat
To be clear I have gifted house deposits , essentially inheritance going straight to DC

Its the " struggling" when it actually means they just cant manage money

But if the OP and husband can afford to help their kids, or make life easier, or even help them build up savings or investments, at no detriment to their own financial situation and actually beneficial in terms of IHT planning , why on earth wouldn't they? The only reason I can think not to would be if there were addictions or other dangerous or feckless behaviours

I think my answer comes from a place where I have received extremely limited financial support from my parents since my early 20s. I certainly don't factor in gifts from family into my monthly income. So perhaps I am just envious that other people's parents have assisted them whereas I've had to figure it out on my own. Occasionally I am sent gifts and they are much appreciated obviously, but I am kind of proud I've worked this all out on my own.

@catlover123456789 I don't know anyone in real life who extends helping their kids with regular payments into their 30s. People talk a lot about giving house deposits and cars but not regular financial help to adult kids once their adult child is working.

I know a couple of colleagues had to end up having a serious financial chat with their dcs who had taken hobby jobs that didn't pay well because they were able to rely on their parents to pay their rent but the parents saw their kids as needing to face the financial reality - it was not something these parents wanted to continue beyond mid twenties. That kind of help for 30 year olds is not talked about very openly.

Because adults should be able to support themselves and make their own decisions
Why bother working for promotion or saving if someone just hands over cash
Imho it clips their wings

I definitely didn't get help with a house deposit or cars. I also had no option of a hobby job. I can't say which way is better; it might have been nice to have help but this way I dont feel like I owe anyone anything (except the bank of course).

It blows my mind that people can’t get their heads around this.

Neither DH nor I are “struggling”, but it’s quite obvious to my Gen X PILs that they had it easier than we do - paying next to nothing for university, buying a house for 3x salary instead of 8x salary, building wealth at a time when the job market wasn’t a shitshow etc.

So they help out financially here and there. We neither expect nor demand it, but it’s wonderful when they do.

Why wouldn’t parents in a position to do so do this? This is what I can’t get my head around…

This is exactly how hubby and I feel, not directly financially responsible as such but we do what we can whether that is time-helping with GC or DIY or with money. If any needed to come back home for any reason they are always welcome and they know that.

I think you could probably talk to your husband not willing to spend on money (and time?) on things you would like to do eg lunches out and staying in nicer hotels when you both can clearly afford to. You feel a bit overlooked. Maybe it’s this you need to focus on instead. Also, do you have a fulfilling life independent of your husband, hobbies, friends etc?