DH feels financially responsible for our adult DC

[Femalefootyfan1]

I’m not sure if I’m the one being unreasonable or my DH so I’d appreciate some others opinions.
DH and I were having a conversation about our adult DC and he was saying how he feels financially responsible for them.
Our DC are all in their 30’s, one lives overseas, one is married with their own DC and one is single living in a property that we own mortgage free, paying us rent of around a third of market rental price.
We are already gifting them small sums each month and are actively seeking ways in which we can potentially minimise inheritance tax post 2027. Each of our DC’s have had financial support in the past and they all know that should the need arise that they need further help, we would look at how we could do that. We also help with regular childcare for our GC and health and location allowing, we would offer childcare for any future GC.
I disagree with DH on financial responsibility as they are all adults living independently, paying mortgage or rent, all working in good careers and managing holidays, bills, clothings, social lives etc and they all have savings too.
What do others think? Am I being unreasonable to suggest to DH that he should stop feeling so responsible or just let him continue to feel this way and I just keep quiet?
I should add, in case it’s relevant, that my relationship with our DC isn’t as close as the one DH has with them so I’m not sure if that’s clouding my judgement or not.
Of course I will always want to help them and be a support to them but I don’t feel we should be financially responsible for them in the same way my DH does.

I'm quite surprised by these responses. I'm supporting my 19 and 22 year old at the moment as they are both at uni. I hope by their mid 20s I won't have to and can think about working part time and retiring. Hoping to be able to give them something towards a house deposit and passing on a chunk of any inheritance we may receive, but beyond that and maybe funding a holiday I hope they are self supporting.

You’re coming from a different place though, if you’re still having to work full time in order to help your children with some uni costs and would have to save now, when they’re already in their 20s, for any help when they purchase a home then it’s not the same.
Most of the time the parents who buy children cars, pay school fees, allow them to live in homes the parents already own outright are doing so because their means are so much higher. They can do all these things easily, while retired.

I think there's a fine line between extra financial help if you can afford it and keeping adult children reliant on the extra income to the extent that it's taken for granted rather than "helping".

I can see both sides. My parents are comfortably off (not rich) but didn't help with a further penny after I finished uni. I hugely struggled during the years I had to find extra funding to get through law college. Was made redundant just after buying my first home, just about scraped by doing odd zero hours work until got a job again. Another time my car broke down and I asked if I could borrow one of theirs for a week to get to work - no. Moaned about us having a long engagement so we could save for a (pretty modest) wedding but didn't offer to help with the cost of that. It worked out in the end as i now earn well but I did feel that they were quite harsh and let me suffer more than I needed to if they'd helped even just a little bit here and there.

In the other hand my husband's wealthy parents doled put regular cash to his three "failing to launch" siblings to help them get a good start in life. Well, nothing happened, they just lived off the money, asked for more and achieved fuck all.

So somewhere in between is probably about right!

I was in a professional and well paid role in my thirties. I could absolutely self support myself and my two children.

My parents topping up just meant that the finer / fun things in life were very much indulged in too!

So he’s bailing them out every month or helping them out to help with inheritance tax

are you /dh going without ?

im torn on this. As an adult you should be able to look after /fend for self without parents bailing you out /paying for stuff
v

if I have extra cash and went to help out my child

plus hope your kids appreciate it rather then expect it

We were having a discussion about giving money to offspring yesterday. My DH said that he thought our DS would be offended and feel like a charity case if we started throwing money his way on a regular basis - and DS has bought a house as a single person and doesn't earn a huge amount of money. We are generous with birthday /Christmas gifts as he doesn't want/need much but there are things he wants to do to the house so his presents will be money towards that.
We are acutely aware that his car is old (although low mileage) so fully expect to offer help should that pack up. But we don't give regular cash sums and don't feel financially responsible for him.

I’ll try to answer the questions.
DH and I are both retired but have occupational pensions as our income, we’re several years off state pension. We see our pensions as joint income but his pension is very much higher than mine so the sums we give to DC come from his income.
Giving away some income doesn’t impact on our lifestyle, we’re very fortunate to enjoy a good life.
The DC are all ours.
I’m not exactly sure why his relationship with our DC is closer, I think he was always a better Dad than I’ve been a Mum, I’d rather not explain that further.
DH couldn’t define what he means by financially responsible but I agree with him that small sums each month are tax efficient and looking ahead to inheritance tax planning is something we really need to do.
Of course I would always want to help them if they need it and we have done in the past, help with house deposit, the cheap rent and Uni costs plus the regular childcare, which does save money for the DC who is a parent but we enjoy giving the childcare.
However, I also feel a bit like they aren’t necessarily fully independent and that it could be creating an expectation that we will always gift them sums of money. We usually pay for meals etc when we eat out, which is fine and currently it’s hard to see that we’re going to run out of money, but knowing how much potential health care costs could be, we need to bear that in mind.
I’m finding it difficult to articulate why I disagree with him which is why I’m looking for other opinions.
My DH is entitled to his feelings as am I, they just differ so perhaps neither of us is BU.

I don't think he should feel responsible for them. However, most parents support their adult children when they are able to. If you have a house other than the one you live in owned outright and are looking for ways to avoid inheritance task it sounds like you're wealthy enough to continue supporting them financially. Are you trying to make you DH feel better or or you trying to get him to reduce the level of support?

What would feel comfortable op?

Are you having to work longer or put off retirement? What would you prefer to do pp?

I have adult dc and in their 30s, having already supported them so much. I wouldn’t be expecting to pay for anything beyond an annual holiday for everyone, gifts and extras for any gc and help if needed and asked for.

We have always wanted responsible, independent financially solvent adult children, and not one strapped to parents nipples.

Is your dh trying to buy their love/time? Are they really struggling?

Not at all! Entitled people will be entitled people whatever. My husband and I come from large not well off families and recieved nothing, no support at all. I cannot tell you the joy it gives us to be able to help out our two adult children with whatever they need/want including cars, house deposits, just general COL even though they are in their 40’s. They have worked hard in their chosen careers and we feel financially supporting them rewards efforts and reduces stress. They are not at all ‘entitled’. We have not suffered any loss of lifestyle.

Unless you are multi millionaires you might well be buying your way into poverty in old age. Children need to lean to be financially skilful and independence is essential.

We’re not, as far as we know, bailing them out, it’s more for tax efficiency and DH and I aren’t doing without.
I’m also torn because (and I think we cross posted) I’m happy to help out if needed but adult DC in their situations should be fully independent and I’m wary of creating an expectation.
Our DC do tell us that they appreciate it and we will be looking into how we might be able to do some sort of early inheritance so they get the benefit sooner rather than (hopefully) in a couple of decades.

Yes I agree if it's either/or. I've always viewed the regular payments as in lieu of student loans. We could afford help with house deposit OR uni fees but not both and chose deposit.
So DC have a big chunk of student loans deducted every month. They choose to put money into investment or SIPP because we taught them young to be financially skilful.

I think what you are saying is eventually whether they mean to or not, these payments and extras will be taken for granted, and what if you need to stop in the near future? Will that leave with difficulties or resentment?

You are right to be careful - most people are grossly underestimating how much money they will need into very old age.

Are you sad you are not as close to them? If you were, do you think that would change how you felt about the money?

PIL were millionaires and lived like paupers, spending and giving nothing. It’s now going on care home fees and IHT whilst GC are needing driving lessons, house deposits and SIL lives with a leaking roof she can’t afford to fix etc. We are retiring this year and will start to gift regularly to our young adult DC. We have more than we need, why wait? If we get to 80 plus with little left will take our chances. The money is to be enjoyed, the state can take care of the basics. Die with zero!

My kids are young adults (uni students) and I pay for their mobile phones because I have a family deal and it's not much money. I also invite them over for dinners, take them out sometimes etc. and don't expect the same in return. I don't give them money regularly, and it's never expected, but I guess in some ways I feel a bit financially responsible to them. More in the sense that they can always have me as a back-up if they find themselves not being able to pay their bills for some reason or if they need to move back home. It's not something I have told them but we are very open about our finances so I would know if either of them needed a bit of extra help.

I don't live in a country where uni costs money and there is no inheritance tax either so I don't have to plan for that.

Totally irresponsible

Well, that all sounds very sad.

I have three children and one is working, one just finished uni, one about to work abroad all being well. They are all independently well financed. But of they needed money they would get it. I do feel responsible as they are my children and it is my job to support them. I wouldn't give them money to waste but if they needed anything they can come to me.

You not being as close is very sad and I would focus on trying to rectify that than worrying about what your husband feels, especially when you can clearly afford to be so generous.

Totally agree.

It amazes me how against helping adult DC people on MN seem to be. Charging 18 year-olds rent and bills and whatnot. Completely bonkers to me and an alien concept in my social circle. Everyone we know gets/got some form of financial help, well into their 20s and 30s.

Take DH, mid-30s and his parents are paying for our accommodation in the South of France this summer so we stay somewhere they’ve stayed before and love (but that is a bit over budget for us!). And why not? Helping your children is a lovely thing to do. We don’t have a child yet but if we do have one we will definitely be continuing the tradition, if we can afford to.

I’d be embarrassed if my parent where doing this for me. It’s like being a child

But what is it you’re objecting to, you agree giving them sums is tax efficient. So other than that it’s paying fo meals when uou go out? In case they come to expect it?

that’s not very nice is it, why would they expect it.

do you like your children?

But we and my children will benefit from the fruits of our labours, rather than other people. Neither of my parents made it to 70. Quite happy to live with that decision and enjoy the prime of my life. Known plenty of elders wish they’d done the same.

How would you rather your husband spent / used his current pension ?

I think given you have both retired early, have big pensions and have enough disposable money to do this and it not affect your lifestyle, and it doesn’t seem like it’s making your children entitled brats with failure to launch syndrome then on the face of it yabu.
Are you really do concerned about proving a point that you would rather your children have less money to set them up in life purely out of principle and then have a huge amount of it go to tax on death?