DH feels financially responsible for our adult DC

[Femalefootyfan1]

I’m not sure if I’m the one being unreasonable or my DH so I’d appreciate some others opinions.
DH and I were having a conversation about our adult DC and he was saying how he feels financially responsible for them.
Our DC are all in their 30’s, one lives overseas, one is married with their own DC and one is single living in a property that we own mortgage free, paying us rent of around a third of market rental price.
We are already gifting them small sums each month and are actively seeking ways in which we can potentially minimise inheritance tax post 2027. Each of our DC’s have had financial support in the past and they all know that should the need arise that they need further help, we would look at how we could do that. We also help with regular childcare for our GC and health and location allowing, we would offer childcare for any future GC.
I disagree with DH on financial responsibility as they are all adults living independently, paying mortgage or rent, all working in good careers and managing holidays, bills, clothings, social lives etc and they all have savings too.
What do others think? Am I being unreasonable to suggest to DH that he should stop feeling so responsible or just let him continue to feel this way and I just keep quiet?
I should add, in case it’s relevant, that my relationship with our DC isn’t as close as the one DH has with them so I’m not sure if that’s clouding my judgement or not.
Of course I will always want to help them and be a support to them but I don’t feel we should be financially responsible for them in the same way my DH does.

But they are already independent.

shes not saying what she wants different, she agrees it is the right thing to do. She moots some vague comments on what if they come to expect it, or what about medical costs when we get old.

it reads to me, she resents giving them money , it’s not even arguably her money, her husband does if from his funds, she’s giving them nothing, so I think this is much more to do with the relationship she has with her own children. Something she recognises she is lacking in but has no desire to change.

But sometimes it’s also not a choice. I didn’t come from money or wealthy parents. My kids don’t either. I can’t choose to help them out, unfortunately.

My mum brought me washing powder and kitchen roll last week, and sometimes my dad slips me £20, which is very lovely of them ☺️

So do you view those of us that were a little bit indulged by our parents with the disdain of others on this thread?

No @Weekendnaughtinessi don’t. It’s just very foreign to me; I don’t think I know anyone whose family are well off enough to do this. It’s just like something from another world to me really.

So I don’t think that poster was referring to you and your position on this

You are unreasonable in thinking you can tell him to STOP FEELING something. Thats ridiculous.

So about the relation between the husband, wife and DC.
I’d suggest all three sides of the triangle are strained- the relationship between husband and wife, as well as between child and parent.

I agree entitled people and enmeshed families.

At that age, I would not tolerate them not being fully independent, financially and in general.
They are.

seeking ways in which we can potentially minimise inheritance tax post 2027
that sounds very wise, why wouldn't you? Inheritance tax is a complete waste of money, even morally, you have already been taxed on everything anyway, it's just being taxed twice for the same thing, it's hardly fair.

"feeling responsible"? Yes, I don't believe you ever stop feeling responsible for your kids, it doesn't end up at 18, and families help each other.

I am not sure it's that common to give a monthly cash injection to your kids, but if you were just giving them the same at Christmas/ Birthdays, or to pay for their holiday, it wouldn't make much difference, so why not. Other parents pay the mortgage deposit, for the entire wedding. Cash injection from parents is normal, or common at least.

You can be grateful without feeling entitled. I can't really see the problem.

YABU to disagree with "feeling responsible" for your kids because they are adults, it's a bit weird you don't?

YANBU. It’s completely bonkers imo. I wouldn’t have dreamt of taking money off my parent at that age.

I agree, loving generous parents, nice stressfree luxurious lifestyle ✌️

If inheritance tax is ver going to be an issue, you're very well off compared to people I know (it's half a million with property, £325 K without no?) so maybe it's different-no shade, I'm only saying that with most people I know, there wouldn't be enough money after we took care of our own bills to help out adult kids.
So it's certainly not unusual for people to say once they grow up, all being well, you're not unfair. And helping with the grandkids is priceless.
But would people who have more feel they want to give more? From PP, that seems pretty common too. So neither you or your husband is right or wrong. Split it down the middle? Give less than he wants, more than you do?

If hes still financially responsible for them isnt that him saying he hasn't done a good enough job raising them to be independent adults?

Wanting to help out is kind.
Saying you have an ongoing responsibility is a bit weird.

of course you are financially responsible for your children OP regardless of their age! If anything I think you should be giving them more! What about selling your house and moving into a small flat and giving your children the proceeds from the sale? @Femalefootyfan1

In that case… I bloody celebrate being entitled and enmeshed, and the fact that this rises the likes of you makes it all the more enjoyable!

For some reason regular payments feel different from helping with deposit, helping with equipment for first children, taking on family holidays. All of which I do. Monthly allowance however is a bit too much of not recognising them as adults.

This is what I think.

Was he away working a lot when the kids were small? It sounds as though there’s some underlying sense of guilt here, and he’s trying to compensate financially.

What a miserable way to view the world.

My children are in their Kate 30s and as long as we can help support them financially we will. My parents and in laws were never in a position to help us we can help make our children 's life a bit easier so we do.

Well I was just joining the conversation really 🤷‍♀️

There's sometimes a cultural element to this. In Mediterranean countries parents and children often live together for a long time and continue giving financial support to each other all throughout their lives. Parents are known to support children financially and children vice versa if necessary. So for me this is very normal. There's always a balance to be had of course. If a parent giving aid is causing the parent to fall into hardship or the child to not want to be independent (unless for any other reason) thats a different issue...but other than that I'm amazed sometimes reading here about parents asking for rent from kids when they turn 17 , parents asking whether they should buy dinner to their adult children when visiting a restaurant, asking for money when they look after grandchildren etc... (when they don't need the money) for me these were all culturally shocking when I first heard.

These questions never have easy, one off black and white answers... one needs to know context, background, characters involved...

My parents helped us out not with huge sums but what they could afford, a new washing machine, a holiday, money to help pay for a new roof, clothes for kids, shopping etc I’d try and refuse but my mum would always say she’d rather have the pleasure of seeing us benefit now when we needed it. Mi PIL weren’t well off but helped in every way they could ( DIY babysitting etc) . It didn’t stop us being self reliant adults and we now do what we can for our adult children. I like being part of this type of family .

Agreed

Exactly, me too.

This is what I mean. It's very natural for families to want to do things for each other...thats what a family is.