DH feels financially responsible for our adult DC

[Femalefootyfan1]

I’m not sure if I’m the one being unreasonable or my DH so I’d appreciate some others opinions.
DH and I were having a conversation about our adult DC and he was saying how he feels financially responsible for them.
Our DC are all in their 30’s, one lives overseas, one is married with their own DC and one is single living in a property that we own mortgage free, paying us rent of around a third of market rental price.
We are already gifting them small sums each month and are actively seeking ways in which we can potentially minimise inheritance tax post 2027. Each of our DC’s have had financial support in the past and they all know that should the need arise that they need further help, we would look at how we could do that. We also help with regular childcare for our GC and health and location allowing, we would offer childcare for any future GC.
I disagree with DH on financial responsibility as they are all adults living independently, paying mortgage or rent, all working in good careers and managing holidays, bills, clothings, social lives etc and they all have savings too.
What do others think? Am I being unreasonable to suggest to DH that he should stop feeling so responsible or just let him continue to feel this way and I just keep quiet?
I should add, in case it’s relevant, that my relationship with our DC isn’t as close as the one DH has with them so I’m not sure if that’s clouding my judgement or not.
Of course I will always want to help them and be a support to them but I don’t feel we should be financially responsible for them in the same way my DH does.

why not try not giving them the monthly allowance for a bit and telling the son in cheap accommodation he will either need to pay full rent or move out? (or get a lodger if he's got a spare room). Tell them you've had some unexpected expenses and need to cut back for a little bit.

If they are understanding, tell you they are appreciative of the amount they've had so far, and manage fine without it by cutting luxuries, you'll know they are sensible, grateful, adults who are able to manage independently but are lucky enough to have generous parents.

If they moan and complain, and struggle to manage without it, or stop paying basic bills but keep spending on things they want, then it isn't helping them.

Same. Exactly this.

Except there was context and many of us have helped with house deposits/ weddings etc
Mine had my entire inheritance because I didnt need it
The comments were specifically about those" struggling" i.e failure to launch/ poor with money types/ always skint
No I wouldnt be enabling and propping that up

I don't think there should be any feeling of financial responsibility for adult children, but of course go ahead and help out financially if you want to. If your adult children are not struggling financially, why not give the money you really don't need to charity? Why shower adults who are doing fine with money they don't need, when you could be helping people (or animals) that desperately need help?

This. My friends dad gifts her each month - he said it was a tax thing

My mum helped me out when I was younger in 20's to get on the property ladder. I was very grateful at the time and thats when I needed it most. She wanted to give me money later in life £200pm which I didn't "need" but she got pleasure out of it and told me not to refuse as it made her happy knowing she was giving me money gor little extras. I've saved to give both my boys a similar start on the property ladder. The eldest has just bought his first home, he was thrilled when I told him how much I was giving him ( always knew I had saved some money but he onlyexpected about £10k). I loved being a part of it and helping him like my mum did me. I dont need money like I did when I was younger so anything I can do to help. I'll continue to give him little bits of money here and there hes 26. The younger one is still at home 22 but he'll get the same when the time comes. Fir me its not about feeling responsible but wanting to and enjoying helping them. They have both been savers so never wasted money but sometimes its nice to be extravagant once in a while.

My grandparents, parents and their siblings all believed it was/is their duty to help adult children. I wouldn't want to say "absolute duty" but would definitely help as much as I can to make the life of my DC easier. Say smaller,ideally no student loans, downpayment etc.

@Femalefootyfan1 can’t lie, I tend to side with you on this, excluding maybe if someone’s so wealthy it won’t make any difference.

My uncles help my adult cousins (40s and 50s) so much that they have no savings for themselves except my uncle’s pension. And what’s more, two of those cousins frankly seem to expect all this help as their birthright and treat them like servants.

I find it appalling and in a way, also a disservice to their children: one of my cousins probably gets the equivalent of a minimum wage from my aunt + her MIL pays for their cleaner and something else I can’t recall. This cousin and her husband have no idea what it is like to live within the means of what they actually earn. What happens when my uncle passes away? That will be a harsh adjustment.

If he has the purse and is earning it and you are more benefitting from it, then I can see his point of view but...each family is different

DH’s Mum is like this. It was needed 25 years ago when I was fresh out of uni and we had just bought a house. And I get she wants to buy things for DD and gift her opportunities. But she oversteps. For example, DD needed a new tutu for dance, I had looked around for someone to make one as what she wanted was quite unusual and I was proud to be able to do this for DD myself, then MIL swooped in and decided she would pay for it!

The other day I bought dessert for MIL, DD and myself - again something I could easily afford and was happy to do and MIL insisted on ‘paying me back’ for dessert.

I have worked bloody hard over the last 5 years to progress in my career and am now in a position to be able to do these things. It is quite insulting when she keeps swooping in.

Your DH needs to consider his actions and how they make your DC feel.

Why? You still end up sat in your own piss in a care home whether it's paid for privately or by the state :(

I think I agree with this.. though I was in the opposite end of the scale.

If I ever needed anything I couldn’t ask. I once called to ask if I could please have £50, as I didn’t have enough money for food (I was at uni, in a cheaper part of the country, didn’t go out like other friends as didn’t have the money, about 20 years old.)

I was shouted at enormously by my step father. I don’t think he gave me the money. I recall I never went actively hungry but it was close (I ate a lot of weetabix and bananas.) A friend also showed me how to cook Dahl which, with lentils, onions, stock and herbs only cost a few pence per meal. I worked Saturday and Sunday (uni Monday-Friday.)

My phone was often being cut off as I couldn’t afford the bill. I could only visit them at Easter and Christmas as couldn’t afford the train more than that. I used to ask them to visit. Unlike my friends parents, they visited when they took me up (first year) and when I graduated (last year,) they were the only times. I remember both times were a huge rush.. they didn’t want to stay. I don’t think we even went for dinner. I remember in other parts of my life I’d invite them for dinner or to visit and it was almost always no.

There were times when I didn’t have enough money for the £1 electric meter and it went out.

When I got older (20s), I needed to buy a car and asked if my step father would accompany me, because he’d bought lots of cars and I didn’t have experience. I didn’t want him to financially contribute, just give advice. He shouted at me for that too. I went alone, test drove the car in another town, paid the few hundred pounds I had.

There was a time when my bank cards didn’t work and I asked if they could help me. I called and was told no. I had left somewhere and had to walk through the snow with my suitcase, to a friend who gave me tea and the keys to her house to stay. I couldn’t stay with them as too volatile.

I was in many dangerous situations, always in survival mode trying to be ok. It resonated all through my 30s, the fear, struggle and not knowing how people should treat me. I managed to meet my husband later in 30s due to years and years of therapy.

So, I think: YOU SOUND ABSOLUTELY AMAZING. God, I wished I’d had just a bit of that support (practical or emotional.) I think you’d husband is potentially doing too much now. Just enjoy life and sort out the inheritance tax so they can inherit well in the future.

PS so good you help with childcare too. My DH parents couldn’t come from their country. And my mum needed convincing to come for 1 night after we came back from Intensive Care with our newborn. I always thought it would be different with a baby. I can’t tell you how it wasn’t. I was alone, we were alone.

I always show up for people. This is what I believe in and values I live by, so I do admire you support your children.

Sorry for the long share, but perhaps it helps to see what some people are like. Maybe if your husband heard this, he would understand how much you do already xx

I have read through this thread and I still don’t have a clue what you were looking to get from it.

You have no issues giving them the money, in fact you say you agreed to it and are happy with it. You have described how wealthy you must be to be able to give such money away each month, own multiple properties, etc.

Was this simply some kind of humble brag type post about your wealth? Which is odd and eye roll worthy, but I simply can’t work out what else you could have wanted. You’ve rejected almost everything put to you, said there’s no issues and you’re not having to do without, and when people suggest you don’t help the children as much financially you bat back and say you’re happy to do it.

Bizarre.

You sound quite well off and therefore its quite easy to be and/or say you feel financially responsible for them. Lots of parents with assets plan for the future tax liabilities their offspring might have, hand over cash for GC and so on. Lots of business people make plans for their businesses etc...so its not unusual to feel that way or do those things. However if you had no money I doubt your DH would be saying that. Also are you conflating financial responsibility with responsibility? Lets hope they return the responsibility feeling if you both need looking after as you age!

Everyday I’m reminded how lucky I am to have my parents.

It’s nice that you help them out, whether that’s for “tax efficiencies” (evasion) or out of kindness. You don’t need to do this but of course DH can and should if he wants to.

Im sorry to hear your relationship isn’t close, I wonder if you are able to empathise with how that feels for your children, to not be close to their one and only mum. Parents and children have different roles and aspects of those don’t change whatever your ages. Your job is to be their greatest cheerleader. That doesn’t need to be via gifts or money, but love and care. Don’t be bitter about helping them, it should make you happy. Reach out to them emotionally, be there for them unconditionally, make no judgments on them. You may find your relationship improves and you no longer care about whether your husband supports them or not.

Do the other two benefit from anything anywhere near the two thirds rent saving the one who lives in your house gets?

Your post has moved me so much @Nurturegrow11 . I can't believe what I've just read. You are unbelievably strong and I'm so sorry you went through all that. I want to give you a huge hug. You didn't deserve any of that.
I had different circumstances to you. I actually had financial and practical support but was emotionally abused - belittled, ridiculed and also experienced childhood sa .... so have PTSD and low self esteem.....which resulted in an emotionally abusive/controlling relationship in my 20...and like you I only found my life partner in my 30s. Solidarity and hugs xxx

She's probably just trying to be kind in her own clumsy way