DH feels financially responsible for our adult DC

[Femalefootyfan1]

I’m not sure if I’m the one being unreasonable or my DH so I’d appreciate some others opinions.
DH and I were having a conversation about our adult DC and he was saying how he feels financially responsible for them.
Our DC are all in their 30’s, one lives overseas, one is married with their own DC and one is single living in a property that we own mortgage free, paying us rent of around a third of market rental price.
We are already gifting them small sums each month and are actively seeking ways in which we can potentially minimise inheritance tax post 2027. Each of our DC’s have had financial support in the past and they all know that should the need arise that they need further help, we would look at how we could do that. We also help with regular childcare for our GC and health and location allowing, we would offer childcare for any future GC.
I disagree with DH on financial responsibility as they are all adults living independently, paying mortgage or rent, all working in good careers and managing holidays, bills, clothings, social lives etc and they all have savings too.
What do others think? Am I being unreasonable to suggest to DH that he should stop feeling so responsible or just let him continue to feel this way and I just keep quiet?
I should add, in case it’s relevant, that my relationship with our DC isn’t as close as the one DH has with them so I’m not sure if that’s clouding my judgement or not.
Of course I will always want to help them and be a support to them but I don’t feel we should be financially responsible for them in the same way my DH does.

Same…

Op you say you don’t want to explain why your husband is a better father. Thays fine.

do you feel this is another example of it? There is no indication here your kids expect anything, they are making their own way successfully apart from one with below market rate.

it reads like as much as you agree with how you behave financially you resent it, and are trying to find some form of negative reason why your kids shouldn’t get from you both.

again I’d go back to, is this an example of why he is the better parent, even as adults, you still resent them?

Eh, I'm 37 and my dad sends me 3k every year as his annual exemption. He doesn't care what I spend it on - mostly it sits in my savings though some of it this year went on car repairs.

I'm incredibly grateful but I don't need it - DH and I are quite capable of supporting ourselves without it.

What on earth are you talking about, they get occasional gifts, make their own way in the world and apart from one getting below market rent, they are hardly being supported by their parents.

sometimes I read these comments and think it’s pure envy that is behind it. No one helps you so you react with a shitty comment when you see someone else getting whay you don’t.

Reading between the lines, is this really about money?
You don’t seem to think the money will make a difference.
You haven’t said what you want him to do differently.

Is it actually about feeling he still prioritises them over you, the same way he (rightly) did when they were totally dependent on him? Now they ‘should’ be independent and no longer the focus of his concern and attention in quite the same way.

I get irritated when DH happily puts aside time, attention, money on something with our adult children, but is amazed when I mention I’d have liked that too! He’s inclined to give things to them that I want myself, think about their needs while oblivious to mine. He sees me as an extension of himself and so never really thinks about me. I’m ‘we’.

Exactly. It ensures the apron strings are well and truly tied. Of course these AC are closer to their dad, it's not hard to see why. I'm all for helping AC but as needed.

We don’t take it, we don’t want or need it. If they want to put money aside for our DC, they’re welcome to, but we don’t take anything day to day.

No tied apron strings here - my dad sends me 3k a year, I've not seen him since Easter and he doesn't ask what I spend it on, let alone care. Sometimes I'll mention that I've treated myself to X or used it to buy Y - his response is normally a thumbs up 😂

What on earth is there to be embarrassed about?

But surely you can get these things for yourself, you’re not his child, don’t you have access to money? I don’t understand your comment?

You could live to 95 regardless of your parents age when they died. To not plan some comfort, and to rely on an increasingly failing state is utter madness. Perhaps you have always been wealthy and do nor know what it is like to not be able to afford heating or hot food, in which case you are going to learn a very hard lesson when you will naturally have far less resilience.

If you need a couple of hip replacements and are in unbearable pain waiting on the NHS for years don’t you think the £30,000 will come in useful then? Or you need home help rather than 15 minutes a day state care? I really can not understand how mature adults plan to run out of money two decades before they could potentially die!!

Are you jealous, what a shitty little comment that reeks of envy.

I love that you have this and I think that our own experiences can really sway how we feel about things.

I grew up modestly, with a mother who was on benefits or low paid work and a father who earned modestly but I didn’t see any of it. I didn’t have any help from my parents at any stage and have ‘pulled myself up by my bootstraps’ as it were.

im now in a position where later on I will be able to pay for driving lessons, and a little support for each kid at uni, and maybe (?) some help towards a house deposit.

I’ve never considered what it would be like to get gifted holidays or small lump sums or monthly money and I can’t compute how that would make me feel if it just started happening now.

on the one hand I like to think I’d love the benefit it would give our lives but on the other hand I would feel really awkward about it as I’m in my late 30s and that’s not the type of relationship we’ve had. I wouldn’t want to feel indebted to them.

im having a lot of thoughts about money and my kids and how I want them to be brought up now that I have more than my parents could ever have provided. I’m reading this thread with interest.

Yep. People are SO weird about adults receiving money and/or help from their parents sometimes.

Sadly ive seen this before. Mum and dad supporting kids into their 50s then either ma and pa die or they have to pay for care...and the money dries up...and junior doesn't know how to cope without it and gets into debt.

I've even seen mum continue to pay the money even though she's only got 1/3 of thd pension that dad was on because it's dropped because he died and she never worked...so she goes without

This sounds insane to me. You’re basically giving your adult children an allowance. I am pretty skint 🤣 but I don’t think I would enjoy being funded by my parents as an adult really.

That's not what's happening here though.

I could indeed buy everything I need. As could the adult DC. it isn’t about the stuff or the money, ‘it’s the thought that counts’.
I could divorce him and live alone very happily. That wasn’t what I got married for, though. In my marriage I would like some attention. Thought. Consideration. Not to be a part of the furniture, taken for granted.

Though in fact, if he gave item X to one of the DC and I went and bought myself item X, he’d complain I was wasting money as he’d had one of those and gave it away. 🙄

I think it's lovely. Life is hard enough isn't it. Enjoy giving to your kids and they can have less stress and hopefully pass on the kindness to their own. God knows we need a bit of this on MN as there is so much hurt from adult children who have been cast out once the parents decide they are done parenting.

You never stop being a parent and if you can , you never stop giving.

I think it’s quite sad you aren’t close to your children

What's insane about it though? As long as it doesn't come with strings, isn't demanded and can easily be afforded - what's the problem? My parents don't need it, they don't go without to send me money and it's also tax-free if they were to die unexpectedly - win/win, surely?

Oh I think you would and that’s the issue,

I love my dc and have really supported them. I would say though it’s not ‘envy’ to want to raise prudent, financially skilful, independent ac. We have really taught our children skills to invest wisely and not to live beyond their means and to solve problems themselves.

There is a great deal of pride that comes from managing your own life and finances well, and to be truly self sufficient.

In my view gifting money or assets should be no strings attached, and done so prudently, so their lifestyle is not being artificially inflated. It has created ambitious, well informed young adults that know the value of money.

Ok I think you’ve bigger issues in your marriage, maybe start a thread, bur I’d suggest dealing wirh those and not competing with your own kids or resenting them due to it,

Where has she said they don’t do this, she’s said rhe opposite. They are not bailing these kids out.

all I can see is envy when you make this something it’s not.