DH feels financially responsible for our adult DC

[Femalefootyfan1]

I’m not sure if I’m the one being unreasonable or my DH so I’d appreciate some others opinions.
DH and I were having a conversation about our adult DC and he was saying how he feels financially responsible for them.
Our DC are all in their 30’s, one lives overseas, one is married with their own DC and one is single living in a property that we own mortgage free, paying us rent of around a third of market rental price.
We are already gifting them small sums each month and are actively seeking ways in which we can potentially minimise inheritance tax post 2027. Each of our DC’s have had financial support in the past and they all know that should the need arise that they need further help, we would look at how we could do that. We also help with regular childcare for our GC and health and location allowing, we would offer childcare for any future GC.
I disagree with DH on financial responsibility as they are all adults living independently, paying mortgage or rent, all working in good careers and managing holidays, bills, clothings, social lives etc and they all have savings too.
What do others think? Am I being unreasonable to suggest to DH that he should stop feeling so responsible or just let him continue to feel this way and I just keep quiet?
I should add, in case it’s relevant, that my relationship with our DC isn’t as close as the one DH has with them so I’m not sure if that’s clouding my judgement or not.
Of course I will always want to help them and be a support to them but I don’t feel we should be financially responsible for them in the same way my DH does.

Having DB pensions, we will not run out of money. And have never always been comfortable, far from it.
37 years nursing, mostly in primary care and in and out of care homes has shown me that saving for old age is not always the best use of that money over the lifespan.
We dont plan to run out of money completely, just spend and enjoy the vast majority of it whilst fit, redirecting the excess to our children years earlier on a regular basis when they need it most. They are high achieving and doing well anyway but their generation needs all the help they can get.
We are retiring this year at 55 to begin the process.

My parents were the same with my sisters OP. My eldest sister finally left my mum’s house when she was in her mid-forties after having spent her entire adult life flitting between my parents’ homes, council housing, or having my parents subsidise her rentals. She now lives in my other sister’s spare room. I thought my mum was finally going to be getting her house back but that sister’s daughter has now moved back in with her boyfriend and baby! So my mum is now supporting her great-grandson as well.

You might think you’re helping your children but all you’re doing is creating a sense of entitlement and expectation that will never go away. My mum is now financially supporting a third generation. Hopefully she won’t in time be supporting a fourth!

OP, would you feel happier about it if it was done in a more structured way? I think effectively paying them an allowance in their 30s seems a bit odd (assuming they are doing ok) if they're just using it for topping up what they have for living costs.

We are planning to give our kids a lot of money if we can (with 7y rule) but I actually feel happier doing this as a lump sum- making clear that it's part of their inheritance. I think that makes it more likely that it will be used in a way that contributes to long-term financial stability, as they can use it to pay off the mortgage or put it into pension/ISA. The problem with monthly smaller payments is that it's too easy for it to just go on another takeaway or pair of shoes (or whatever) and I can see that might grate.

My parents didn’t support me as an adult, either financially or in any other way.

i had twins (and it was a very difficult pregnancy). Having small kids and working is really tough, it was certainly the toughest part of my life both financially and emotionally.

my dad died and now my mum has a LOT of assets. She keeps trying to give me money but I don’t need it now - my kids are adults and I osn my own home.

i’m encouraging her to leave it to my kids her grandkids because frankly having the money when you are starting out for a house deposit or to pay for further study is incredibly helpful.

I don’t know whether she it, is was a question I was asking.

But can you really not see a difference between something impacting your lifestyle, and feeling second best/over looked? Would you understand it better if the sexes were reversed? People on here are often quick to point out that men can feel neglected when women’s priority is their DC. When the DC are dependent, that’s entirely right. They are supposed to grow up and let their parents remember to consider each other again, though!

Which is a total derailment if that isn’t what lies beneath OP’s concern.

What, none of her kids live at home

A monthly amount that is the same every month out of excess income is a very tax efficient way to gift, I assume that is the reason behind it, rather than an allowance as it were.

It seems that some adults believe that their parents owe them financial assistance. Not just if they encounter serious problems but as a matter of course. I honestly can't get my head around this entitlement
Huge assumption here that it's expected and taken for granted. My
DC have never had any expectation, always say "you don't have to", always appreciative. I see the same comments on this thread from multiple parents who are passing it forward. I dare say I might reconsider if my DC showed sign of being "entitled" .

I see a lot of threads like this on MN.
People who never got help from their own parents and had to struggle at uni or in their 20s .Some with the attitude that "it was good enough for me so I'll treat my children the same" and others determined to be different from their own parents.

There is something about parents gifting their adult kids money that brings some posters out in absolute fury,

I don't really understand your DH's viewpoint. When does it end? Should my 76 year old parents be financially responsible for 46 year old me?

We help DS26 in the sense of feeding him and GF usually once a week and usually treating them to a heavily subsidised holiday once a year ie we pay for flights and hotel, they pay for the evening meals. His phone is still on our family plan and hers is on her parents’ plan. They have paid off their cars and we don’t help with mortgage or utilities. So we give more help than many families could afford to do, but not regular cash gifts. We’re at a similar life stage to OP except DH is still working.

I know.

And as someone who very much did benefit from my parents generosity… it’s like the cherry on top!

I wish my parents had your attitude. They eat out a few times a week and go on endless holidays (10 last year) whilst I struggle financially.

I don’t know what you mean?

It’s not about being financially responsible though, it’s just about having money and choosing to give some of it to your adult kids.

It’s so weird isn’t it? People have been called entitled, immature and demanding…

It just seems like a really odd leap, theres nothing in OP’s post that suggests she’s being out second place to her adult children either financially or in terms of time her husband can’t give her.

Here's what I wrote: "It seems that some adults believe that their parents owe them financial assistance. Not just if they encounter serious problems but as a matter of course. I honestly can't get my head around this entitlement and I don't think that infantilising adults does anyone any favours in the long run."

If you are not one of those adults I was writing about (the ones who believe that their parents owe them financial assistance as a matter of course), then I wouldn't include you among the entitled.

I have definitely seen the negative results of entitlement among people in this category. They seem to live in a state of extended adolescence, with Mum and Dad funding their lives. I doubt if they will ever stand on their own two feet.

It didn’t seem to be about the money. She hasn’t said any particular thing she wants him to do differently, so I wondered whether the money’s a symptom of something else. It’s either that or a fear about her DC never becoming independent.

If it’s money you can afford I don’t see the harm . If however it is eating into your lifestyle choices then of course it needs to change.

My cousin was gifted a lot of money young, half it went to her husband when they divorced. Just something to be wary of.

Yes, it’s nuts.
we have one dc at university so obviously still supporting her financially, but also give money to our other dc who lives independently and has a well paid job. We do it because it’s tax efficient and because they are our children so why wouldn’t we?

If it’s just extra money and we had a nice lifestyle I’d totally be passing money on to adult children and/ or into savings accounts for grandchildren . Your pensions would be used for care and your home sold if push came to shove.

Your father can do what the heck he likes

We have supported our, now, adult children up to and through university with a little assistance after that but stepped back as soon as they could support themselves. In my opinion there is a quandary, continuing to fund them as adults denies them the satisfaction of becoming fully independent.

If they were in a bind we would help them out in a heartbeat, but they are proud of building their own lives without tapping the bank of mum and dad, and we think they are right to be proud.

It's natural to want to help our children and that doesn't stop when they grow up but it's important to recognise that we can deny them the joy of being fully autonomous adults, especially if they become dependent on handouts.