AIBU to think not every relationship that starts as an affair is doomed?

[LivelyHazel]

I know this won't be a popular post at all and I’ll get piled on too but I don’t mind I'm genuinely just interested in people's views.

Fifteen years ago I met my now husband through a friend of a friend. We got on well, started meeting up going for drinks, food, dancing and, before I knew it, we were started sleeping together. It lasted about a month.He was married at the time. They didn't have children.

I'll be honest, I never expected it to become anything serious. I genuinely thought it would be a brief fling, we'd come to our senses and go our separate ways.

Instead, after about a month, he told me he wanted to leave his wife. I was actually quite taken aback because I hadn't expected him to do that. He said his marriage had been unhappy for a long time, although obviously I only had his side of the story.

He left, they divorced and we got to properly get to know each other, we took things slowly after that, and we're now married with four children. We've been together for 15 years and have a good family life.

Whenever affairs come up on here, the general consensus seems to be that the relationship is bound to fail, or that the ‘other woman’ never really ends up happy.That hasn't been our experience.

I'm not saying affairs are acceptable or that I feel proud of how our relationship started. I know people were hurt, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. But equally, I can't pretend I regret the life we've built together.

Not necessarily AIBU more so discussion based on the previous posts I’ve seen on here

Woah… he kept this from you for a month

the level of deceit this chap is capable of… breathtaking

Yeah I agree with you actually. I have a few friends and relatives whose marriages started off as affairs and they have been long and appparently happy. Real life doesn’t really seem to be reflected in Mumsnet though. There’s a narrative that anyone who has an affair is a terrible person and should go straight to hell. They will never be happy again and will cheat again etc etc.

Well, it worked out all right for Camilla 😁

I wouldn't have any respect for him though, so it wouldn't work for me.

Guessing you haven’t told your kids how you got together?

I would slightly more understand your perspective if he hadn’t also epically lied to you!

Well isn't it a fundamental flaw in someone's character if they are capable to cheat or not. I know myself no matter what, no matter how unhappy I could not bring myself to cheat, even a smidge. Some people can. That is who we are and it doesn't change imo

I know someone in a very similiar position to you.

They got together as an affair and are now married 12 years, 3 children and appear happy.

I know he's cheated on her at least twice since that I know off. I don't believe she has a clue.

I couldn't respect someone like that. I just couldn't and wouldn't be able to trust them.

I know everyone can cheat and there's always a risk but I wouldn't set myself up with someone who already has and expect them not to do it again.

My father has been married to my stepmother for over 30 years so it worked out for them. It caused a lot of damage at the time but if I’m honest I’ll never understand why he married my mother in the first place because they were not well suited.

I also think it's perfectly possible to have a happy, faithful relationship that started as an affair - saying it isn't is really comforting to the cheated on, but that doesn't make it true. I don't know whether people think that no one is ever capable of change or growth, or that cheating is the only totally ingrained sin, but either way I don't believe that 'once a cheater always a cheater' is any more a law of nature than 'once a liar always a liar' (and no, my marriage didn't start as an affair!). I think that some people are compulsive cheaters, like some are compulsive liars, and will do it over and over. But I also believe that many people will lie or cheat in particular circumstances without it being particularly predictive of what they'll do in the future.

I know of several 30+ year successful marriages that started as affairs (this isn’t a ‘reader, I was one of them’ post though.)

Thinking about them though there has definitely been a willingness to engage with the facts and an openness to do the repair work.

Maybe I’m misreading it, but I’m not sure why people think he also lied to her. She says she expected they’d both come to their senses and end it, but after a month she was surprised by him wanting to leave his wife.

My reading of it is that she knew exactly what she was doing.

In what way ‘doomed’? You may stay together forever which I guess you may see as successful. He may spend the entire time fucking around behind your back like he did to his real family so I wouldn’t class that as a win

Why on earth would they need to know anyway? It's not like they have half siblings or anything.

I’ve known affairs lead to very happy and long marriages, people don’t want to hear that but sometimes the relationship you’re in isn’t the right one. Yes you absolutely should leave before having an affair but sometimes things happen, 2 people fall in love and want to be together. I think as long as both parties have the courage to leave their relationships, be honest about their feelings & accept the consequences of their actions rather than embarking on a long sneaky affair.

? I think you’ve misunderstood or I hadn’t explained it well. Which part did he lie to me?

Actually no, the OP says "he was married at the time" in the paragraph above the "after a month" bit...

I know several happy long term relationships or marriages that started off as affairs. Not condoning the actions, but sometimes you don’t realise that things aren’t right until there’s a connection with somebody else. Non of the people I know who have had affairs are inherently bad people
One of my first longer term partners had an affair and left me for her. No kids involved but at the time it was devastating. He ended up marrying her, and in hindsight they seem far better suited than we would have been.

Relationship might last and be happy but you both know that at least one party's capable of cheating. I dont see how that can be a good foundation for a relationship

My ex is married to the other woman, 15 years later. From the accounts of others they are happy.

I imagine he does lie to her as was a compulsive liar and I don't think people who lie ever change.

It isn’t. My friend has been with her husband for 20+ years, it started as a no-strings affair and after 2 years he left his partner of 25 years (no kids) to be with her.

How do you know your relationship isn’t “doomed”?

Wait , 15 years and he hasn't married you?!

I think you're being naive tbh, he's shown that he can easily be took by another woman regardless of his relationship status.

Yes it may work out, but judging by his past actions, lack of commitment to you I wouldn't hold my breath.

My marriage started as a fling/friends with benefits. We were both single but I certainly haven't told my kids that and won't - I imagine they'd be mortified! Similarly I can't imagine OP's kids will want or need to know that their parents started off as a fling, any more than they need to know that their dad was married at the time.

You don't know that about any relationship.

I’m with you, OP.
DH & I are both on second marriages, with us both exceptionally unhappy in our first ones.
We were APs after a few years of work / friendship & although we slept together whilst married, it was only after we made a commitment to each other.
We’ve been together for over 20 years now.

Also - I didn’t read your post as if your DH had pretended not to be married,
rather that you had your eyes fully open to a no-strings affair, albeit one that some people wouldn’t agree with.