AIBU to think not every relationship that starts as an affair is doomed?

[LivelyHazel]

I know this won't be a popular post at all and I’ll get piled on too but I don’t mind I'm genuinely just interested in people's views.

Fifteen years ago I met my now husband through a friend of a friend. We got on well, started meeting up going for drinks, food, dancing and, before I knew it, we were started sleeping together. It lasted about a month.He was married at the time. They didn't have children.

I'll be honest, I never expected it to become anything serious. I genuinely thought it would be a brief fling, we'd come to our senses and go our separate ways.

Instead, after about a month, he told me he wanted to leave his wife. I was actually quite taken aback because I hadn't expected him to do that. He said his marriage had been unhappy for a long time, although obviously I only had his side of the story.

He left, they divorced and we got to properly get to know each other, we took things slowly after that, and we're now married with four children. We've been together for 15 years and have a good family life.

Whenever affairs come up on here, the general consensus seems to be that the relationship is bound to fail, or that the ‘other woman’ never really ends up happy.That hasn't been our experience.

I'm not saying affairs are acceptable or that I feel proud of how our relationship started. I know people were hurt, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. But equally, I can't pretend I regret the life we've built together.

Not necessarily AIBU more so discussion based on the previous posts I’ve seen on here

I didn’t think he’d leave his wife. I was 25 with no morals, we barely knew each other,I just thought it was a bit of fun, I did like him but he was married so I thought he’d get bored and not want to see me anymore.

I guess we are forever doomed.

I think for people who are harmed by the affair (so spouses, kids) there's no motivation for them to stop judging the cheater, who is filled with justifications (and in the case of the kids, wants them to 'forget' it and don't want to face up to how much harm they've caused), and as there's no real remorse, responsibility taken, or amends made, the victims of it frequently continue to judge. As a child who was in that situation, a quarter of a century later I still view my father, who I have very little to do with, with mild contempt. It goes with the territory.

If you are a believer in karma then surely you must believe that you somehow deserved to be cheating on as your karma ....

Unless you think karma only applies to other people and not you.

OP you’ll never get an unbiased opinion regarding affairs on MN because the subject is like a beacon to women who’ve been cheated on. Likewise you’ll never get the true statistics either because people won’t admit how their relationship started. I’d honestly not worry about what strangers on the internet think and just be happy, life’s too short for anything else.

You don’t sound like you were too faffed either way!

Exactly. I couldn’t get over the disdain I would have for a liar and a cheat, even if I was fucking them. And therefore couldn’t imagine building a life together, getting married, having kids etc.

Affairs can become a long term relationship. My dad left my mum in 1987 for a woman he had been having an affair for about 8 months. They're still together after 40 years. Not married but I have a half sister a decade younger than me.

My dad and his partner seem happy enough. I remain hopeful that all his and her disdain for "paperwork" means neither has made a will and he eventually dies intestate. My mother was completely devastated by what he did. And also blames herself because he had an earlier affair that she forgave.

My closest friend met her now husband while he was married. He was in an arranged marriage (Indian) which he had gone through with for his parents’ sakes (my ex husband js a friend of his so we know all the parties involved). They were happy enough and both had gone into the arrangement with open eyes and knowing that theirs wasn’t a big romance but there was deep love and friendship which grew over the years. He confided in my then husband that he felt something was missing, especially after we’d married (not arranged and I’m English) and he saw the differences between us and them. They had a couple of kids and plodded along for a few years before he met my friend at a party we were hosting. They hit it off, an affair started and the fell for each other. The affair went on for a few months before he decided to leave his marriage. Obviously things were a bit difficult for a while but all parties worked hard to get through it and keep civil for the sake of the children (who were pre teens then). 15 years on and they are still together, still happy and the ex wife has gone on to have a new relationship and is also very happy.

so yes, it can work.

Everyone is different so of course some relationships that start as affairs actually work out.

DW and I were friends for five years before we got together. I was married, and she was in a LTR. We didn't have a physical fair, but certainly had an emotional one. I knew how I felt, and she knew she felt the same.
We bonded over how badly our relationship/marriage was, spent a lot of time supporting each other.
She told me how she felt one night via text and I admitted to her that I felt the same. We broke up with who we were with that night, took some time apart to deal with the fallout and support our children, and then eventually met up, got together and haven't looked back since. It's been 8 years (married for 4) and we have a child together now, too who their siblings absolutely adore.

Although I will say I don't condone cheating, especially not going out of your way to cheat (like online dating, clubbing with intent etc) and a lot of people will say once a cheat, always a cheat because they've been hurt, possibly by more than one person. Also, when someone has been cheated on, they don't need to hear how well it could work out for their ex and who they cheated on them with.

Personally I could never have any respect for someone who has an affair. You are with someone and committed to them. If you are unhappy then have the guts to leave and then start a new relationship. Affairs indicate selfishness and impatience - not character traits you want in a partner. I dont think all relationships that start that way are doomed to failure but its quite a seedy way to start a new relationship and a relationship built out of shame may take a little more work.

all parties worked hard to get through it and keep civil for the sake of the children

I mean, really what that means is the wife worked hard to crush down her feelings of betrayal and anger for the sake of the children, while her erstwhile husband and his affair partner were sitting pretty. Having read a thread on Mumsnet recently where this sort of dynamic was going on, it sounds utterly horrendous to go through.

Name changed obviously.

I've been married to DH for 30 years, we started out as a office affair. We were both married, both had kids, both unhappy in our marriages. We each knew it was a dreadful thing to do. It was messy to say the least, and people got hurt, including the children. Which we are both sorry for, and still feel guilty. Even though they all now appear to be well adjusted adults, and are successful, with jobs and their own homes, some with children, some not.

My ex husband is now married to a woman that is a much better match for him than I ever was. DH's ex wife, has not remarried, but is is a long term relationship, and seems to be happy as far as I can tell.

We have been, and continue to be very happy together. We both recently retired, and are enjoying our time pottering about. Yes we were selfish in the extreme, but I cannot regret it.

It's possible. Anything is possible. But a relationship that starts with one partner being lying and deceitful to a person that they vowed to love and be faithful to is simply a lot less likely to succeed than one that doesn't.

I don’t think anyone can really know for sure if their other half would be faithful but if you know a relationship has started as an affair how can you ever really trust them to not do it you as well?

It must be a strange combination of ego and naivety.
I just would not be able to trust the foundations of the relationship because of how it began.

Everyone commenting saying they know of successful stories. You don’t truly know what happens in peoples marriages. Someone could still be cheating etc and let’s face it if a relationship started as an affair I actually think a lot of people would absolutely not tell anyone if they found out a partner was cheating again to save face.

Hi op do you trust each other 100%. Are you confident he’s not shagging behind your back if your future dils do this to you sons will you say oh never mind son her happiness is important. It’s life it happens. Or will you be thinking bitch has broke my sons heart hope karma gets her.

Obviously relationships that start as affairs can last, but that isn't typical, and it's still a very shitty thing to do to another person, regardless of whether or not the married person has kids. Would you have been okay with it if he'd cheated on you before you got pregnant?

Anyway, why even ask? You know some relationships starting as affairs can last (at least 15 years), so... What's the point here?

ETA: And yes, I'd worry about if/when your children find out about the origin of the relationship.

There was nothing stopping him from recognising he was unhappy in his marriage and breaking it off before dating another women. As soon as he realised he wanted to date you, he should have done the honest, decent thing and ended his marriage. He didn't, and you were happy to sleep with him knowing he had a wife at home, none the wiser. It's a sleazy start to a relationship, whatever the future holds.

You will be well equipped to explain to your 4 children in the future why their spouses divorced them, to say that it is for the better, that their cheating spouse will go on to have 4 children with the co-cheater and that they should be happy for the outcome. I suppose that will be a positive.

What I don't understand is, why can't some people find their own, unattached, partners? Why go after someone who they know isn't single? It doesn't matter how "unhappy" they say they are, they need to sort that out themselves, then when they're single, fine, go for it. But until then, either find someone else who is single, or be happy being on your own until you do.

As someone else said, there are more than enough people in this world.

I think a lot of people like to think their doesn’t happen because ultimately it is unfair.

Nope! I actually know quite a few couples that got together from having an affair and they have all been cheated on themselves in return.

Of course there might be some people it works out for but in general if someone can cheat quite happily then that speaks to their personality doesn't it and the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. Thats why people struggle to change. I am not saying its impossible but its rare and from what I have observed those that met via cheating have largely been cheated on.

That's not what the op said. Reread her posts properly.

I also know affairs that have stood the test of time but I will call bs on the we’ve been unhappy crap- I can bet you she didn’t know about how unhappy’they’ were until he landed it on her.

No. I think some work.

YANBU, it’s perfectly normal for terrible people to stay together.

Nearly every bully I knew in school I've seen posting on social media about the fact that their own children are now being bullied in school. Which is very sad and horrible for their children, but its the whole "sins of the fathers" thing. Sometimes karma doesn't come for you directly, sometimes it can be your family.

Two people with no moral scruples.

What could go wrong...