AIBU to think not every relationship that starts as an affair is doomed?

[LivelyHazel]

I know this won't be a popular post at all and I’ll get piled on too but I don’t mind I'm genuinely just interested in people's views.

Fifteen years ago I met my now husband through a friend of a friend. We got on well, started meeting up going for drinks, food, dancing and, before I knew it, we were started sleeping together. It lasted about a month.He was married at the time. They didn't have children.

I'll be honest, I never expected it to become anything serious. I genuinely thought it would be a brief fling, we'd come to our senses and go our separate ways.

Instead, after about a month, he told me he wanted to leave his wife. I was actually quite taken aback because I hadn't expected him to do that. He said his marriage had been unhappy for a long time, although obviously I only had his side of the story.

He left, they divorced and we got to properly get to know each other, we took things slowly after that, and we're now married with four children. We've been together for 15 years and have a good family life.

Whenever affairs come up on here, the general consensus seems to be that the relationship is bound to fail, or that the ‘other woman’ never really ends up happy.That hasn't been our experience.

I'm not saying affairs are acceptable or that I feel proud of how our relationship started. I know people were hurt, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. But equally, I can't pretend I regret the life we've built together.

Not necessarily AIBU more so discussion based on the previous posts I’ve seen on here

Oh ok so the Op did know he was married

Obviously not every one of them is doomed, but the stats seem to show that only a very small percentage of affairs lead to long term primary relationships, and approximately 75% of those relationships fail. People who have cheated are also more likely to do so in future (potentially without being caught).

So yes, it seems a very small percentage of affairs work out (for the participants). But the overwhelming majority don't.

Ahaha no I haven’t told them that 15 years I was delusional does that make me bad mother ? I believe people can change.

I think if their father had children from his previous marriage then that would be a different story. They’re aware that their father was previously married.

She absolutely does not say that.

Why do you think you were delusional?

you’ve been together 15 years… how can you be so sure it isn’t doomed?

I have not explained it properly. Sorry there’s a misunderstanding. I knew he was married form the first time I met him. The affair went on for a month before he decided he wanted to leave his wife.

She knew he was married but after a month was surprised that he was going to leave his wife!

Yes I misread

It was perfectly clear, no idea why people are misinterpreting what you said!

bit of a misunderstanding, weirdly written sentence. I’ve always know he was married. We started sleeping together then after a month we realised what we were doing was silly and he said he wanted to leave his wife.

I shared this on the AMA about cheating but will post again as I think it's a good example which challenges the rhetoric of marrying the mistress creating a vacancy.

DH's grandma had an affair after 40yrs of marriage. She had multiple DC and grandchildren. Her DH was an alcoholic and controlling and she met a widower who showed her kindness and understanding. She wasn't able to leave immediately because of lots of factors, some of them fear, but after a short time she found the courage. She's been remarried for 25yrs and she found a happiness she deserves. She broke her vows yes but she had seen little to no love, honour, care or respect for decades and somebody offered her that in spades. Should she have left first? Of course. Do I understand why she felt she couldn't? Absolutely.

We got on well, started meeting up going for drinks, food, dancing and, before I knew it, we were started sleeping together. It lasted about a month.He was married at the time. They didn't have children.

"Before I knew it"

What a copout. You mean "I took a very conscious decision to repeatedly have sex with a married man".

You very much knew it and yet 15 years on you still can't own it.

Why do you think you were delusional 15 years ago?

My uncle left his wife for his affair partner 30 years ago and are still together. Her ex husband had already left for his affair partner before she met my uncle. They're still together. On the surface both couples appear content, but you can never know for sure how happy anyone is.

I don't agree with "Once a cheater always a cheater". People can make bad choices and regret them. Grow from the experience. Some people may go on to cheat again, but I think many don't.

Sure, the number of relationships that survive for a long time that started from an affair is above zero. I think it would be silly to pretend otherwise.

I don't think 15 years would be long enough for me to rule out such issues or entirely relax personally, but tbf I've never been where you're sitting.

How long had he been together with the ex? Did they choose not to have children?

I was 25 and he was 31 married with a mortgage, I had just started working a proper job after university, living in London in a house share, of course I was delusional.

I do think people can change not excusing my behaviour at all.

And maybe it’s all doomed but we have 4 kids that I love more than anything in world.

I dated a guy when I was younger who had very little to do with his dad because he had left his Mum for another woman. They got married and had kids and had probably been together for about 15 years at that point. He would always refer to her though as the other woman and his dad’s mistress and bit on the side, not his dad’s wife. I did wonder at what point the judgement of the affair ends and there’s acceptance that actually they were happy and got married and had clearly built a loving and lovely life together. Does the judgement ever end though? Look at Camilla, many still see the affair, not the marriage.

You know he can cheat and he knows that you think cheating is fine. Might work out but it's a pretty unstable basis for a life.

I think the first time we did sleep together I didn’t expect it and I thought it would be the last time and he’d end things but you’re right and maybe I chose the wrong words.

You know what happens when a man marries his mistress?

It creates a vacancy.

There will always be exceptions to the rule, my sister is one.

She and Bil got together 22 years ago, they were work colleagues. My sister was single and he was married with 5 kids and another on the way. They started an affair and he left his wife 3 months before his youngest was born, he and my sister have been together ever since. It's hard to believe going by what I've just written but he's actually a really lovely guy he just married way too young (16) and they both should never have had so many kids, they were never a compatible couple. The ex went on to have 2 more kids with a known sex offender!

I don't condone what they've done at all and I still shudder when I think about how they met and the impact it has had on his poor (now) adult kids, however, they love my sister and she and my bil have been very happy over the years even though it has been a challenging relationship.

So yes, for some it does work out ok but there will always be casualties imo. As I say, I personally do not condone affairs one bit but like my sister and bil your situation also seems to have worked out ok.

My dad and step mother have been married over 30 years and seemingly happy, so yes it does happen. I think a lot of people like to think it doesn’t because it feels unfair that the two people who were responsible for (often) a lot of hurt, get a happy ending.

My friend had an affair for two years. Left her husband. Had time alone. The OM was engaged. Of course they ended up together, but no one knows it was an affair (more lies). It's been on and off for over 15 years, never lived together, won't be a marriage, just what's the point?

Also know of someone else having an affair for over four years, if they do get together properly it will end up in a marriage and will last. IMO.

Yeah I guess maybe the judgment never ends. I don’t spend my days feeling judged and he didn’t have children.