AIBU to think not every relationship that starts as an affair is doomed?

[LivelyHazel]

I know this won't be a popular post at all and I’ll get piled on too but I don’t mind I'm genuinely just interested in people's views.

Fifteen years ago I met my now husband through a friend of a friend. We got on well, started meeting up going for drinks, food, dancing and, before I knew it, we were started sleeping together. It lasted about a month.He was married at the time. They didn't have children.

I'll be honest, I never expected it to become anything serious. I genuinely thought it would be a brief fling, we'd come to our senses and go our separate ways.

Instead, after about a month, he told me he wanted to leave his wife. I was actually quite taken aback because I hadn't expected him to do that. He said his marriage had been unhappy for a long time, although obviously I only had his side of the story.

He left, they divorced and we got to properly get to know each other, we took things slowly after that, and we're now married with four children. We've been together for 15 years and have a good family life.

Whenever affairs come up on here, the general consensus seems to be that the relationship is bound to fail, or that the ‘other woman’ never really ends up happy.That hasn't been our experience.

I'm not saying affairs are acceptable or that I feel proud of how our relationship started. I know people were hurt, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. But equally, I can't pretend I regret the life we've built together.

Not necessarily AIBU more so discussion based on the previous posts I’ve seen on here

Where did you get that from? OP knew full well he was married. She's one of the bad guys here.

How do you know he hasn’t cheated on you?

MIL was married for 22 years before finding out that FIL had been cheating on her.

Yeah at 25 I didn’t really think of others. I was quite selfish at that age not proud of it.

I guess I don’t know

But this is unusual… to be 🤷‍♀️ about someone you go on to support through the massive dramas of a break up, divorced and go on to marry him.

A month in, I personally knew that it was serious enough that I’d have been gutted to lose him

You just seem to have been…. Well it doesn’t have any future so no biggie

my (proven) take on this is, you lose ‘em how you get ‘em

I think it's probably the minority of affair relationships that last, because let's face it, most people who have affairs do it because they're untrustworthy and like shagging around.

However, I do know a couple who are now in their 60s, still very happily married after a short affair when they were in their 30s (both married with kids) that ended after they were found out, then another affair a decade later, after which they left their respective spouses and got together properly.

Exactly. You don’t know if he has already cheated, and if things get rough he has proven that his reaction is to cheat. I’m not sure you are as secure as you think you are.

But @Tinahowls said this TWO hours ago and it's been picked up on repeatedly.

I think it's safe to say she knows now!

Yeah I guess we’ll have to wait and see

Fair enough

Of all the couples I know that started as affairs, both or at least one have admitted to have cheated since getting together or at least one doesn't trust the other. There are success stories no doubt, but are they truly happy and based on trust?

I know a couple who were both married to other people when they got together. The left their spouses 27 years ago and have been together ever since and they are utterly devoted to each other.

You’ve made a deal with the devil knowing his flaws, but you’re correct that many men do marry and have families with former mistress eg our king and my ex from my 20s

Well, I’ve known (over the years) a lot of affairs that have worked out and led to many happy years.

Others haven’t, of course. 🤷‍♀️

YANBU I know a few people in successful relationships that started with an affair. If someone is willing to leave their marriage, then they’ve got to be pretty serious about their affair partner.

No doubt there are also countless affairs that don’t work out, we just don’t get to hear about those so much.

Karma will come around I’m afraid. You may feel like the cat who got the cream, but he still very easily lied to you for a month about being married, he also happily lied to his wife at the time. I can imagine there are many things he has lied about or still has hidden from you.

I knew he was married from the first day I met him ? I think you’ve misunderstood.

Anyway yes I don’t disagree about karma I’ll have to wait and see

To go back to the original question, I think it depends what is meant by "doomed" ?

Maybe 'unsuccessful' would be a better word ? But then again it depends on one's criteria of 'success'.

I know of a few marriages that started as affairs that have lasted many years. But IMO longevity isn't proof of happiness and none of us are a "fly on the wall" in other peoples' situations.

They may be happy.

Or they may have decided to "settle" because they've already hurt two families in the first instance and don't want to go through it all again. They know that the odds of finding another partner when they have been the "guilty party" are stacked against them.

Who knows ?

What will his "karma" (which doesn't mean what so many people think it means) be?

Not always. 🤷‍♀️

I don’t really have an opinion, all that matters is how you feel. Does it impact you how you got together? Does it play on your mind and make you second guess his ability to be loyal? I think a lot of people assume that it does so they’ll be basing it off that,
if you don’t feel like that, then I guess they’re wrong in your case.

My dad and stepmum have been together about 30 years after an affair.

But it's not all sunshine and roses. Even after all these years they feel guilty and embarrassed (you'd have to be a pretty shitty person not to carry that guilt forever, I think). My stepmum definitely still worries that my dad will cheat on her too... after all she has definitive proof that he's more than capable of it 🤷‍♀️

I suppose it depends on what you mean by “doomed “. I know a couple who got together as an affair. Both married. They left their marriages and have since married each other. They’ve been together almost 20 years. They’re in their 70’s. They have a “nice life “, they do the family stuff, go on hols etc. They don’t trust each other though, even on their 70’s, they know how the other lies.

I never understand why anyone would want to be with a cheat? I know of an affair that went on to be a marriage and has lasted and another that hasn't, both caused incredible devastation when found out.

I also know that one person can feel like a marriage is good while unbeknownst to them the other person is sleeping with someone else. Who knows if that is you OP, but i guess the odds have to be higher when your other half has previous.