AIBU to think not every relationship that starts as an affair is doomed?

[LivelyHazel]

I know this won't be a popular post at all and I’ll get piled on too but I don’t mind I'm genuinely just interested in people's views.

Fifteen years ago I met my now husband through a friend of a friend. We got on well, started meeting up going for drinks, food, dancing and, before I knew it, we were started sleeping together. It lasted about a month.He was married at the time. They didn't have children.

I'll be honest, I never expected it to become anything serious. I genuinely thought it would be a brief fling, we'd come to our senses and go our separate ways.

Instead, after about a month, he told me he wanted to leave his wife. I was actually quite taken aback because I hadn't expected him to do that. He said his marriage had been unhappy for a long time, although obviously I only had his side of the story.

He left, they divorced and we got to properly get to know each other, we took things slowly after that, and we're now married with four children. We've been together for 15 years and have a good family life.

Whenever affairs come up on here, the general consensus seems to be that the relationship is bound to fail, or that the ‘other woman’ never really ends up happy.That hasn't been our experience.

I'm not saying affairs are acceptable or that I feel proud of how our relationship started. I know people were hurt, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. But equally, I can't pretend I regret the life we've built together.

Not necessarily AIBU more so discussion based on the previous posts I’ve seen on here

My ex husband had an affair for around 4 months before he told me and left.

They have now been together/married for 18 years and they are perfect together. Much better than we ever were. I had no hard feelings even at the time, we got on, but didn’t really fancy it each other and hadn’t slept together for most of our 8 year marriage, since our ds was conceived. We just didn’t really fancy each other (I was 21 and married for the wrong reasons, I was lonely and didn’t want to be alone anymore, he is a lovely chap but I would have married anyone at that point).

We all get on well and see each other with ds a couple of times a year.

So yes, they worked out marvellously.

Well there are men who are devoted to their wives and cheat.

So my view is that it's a character thing rather than who I'm married to thing with them.

The mistress turned wife should be aware that while he may be devoted he'll still screw around.

I think it’s arrogant and naive to think it’s just men who are serial cheaters. Women can be just the same, after all these men are not cheating without a woman being involved as well.

"Doing right" is leaving the wrong person he married BEFORE he started fucking OP surely?

I agree that they're not all doomed. My friend's dad left her mum for the OW when she was six and they later married. My friend was still upset about it when she was 16 and she hated her step-mother for many years (I don't think her older siblings were as badly affected by their parents' split). However, I believe my friend and her step-mother gradually came an understanding of sorts. My friend's dad and step-mother were together for many years until she died from cancer aged 60.

Twenty years or so after the divorce, my friend's mother also remarried and she and her second husband seem happy together, which is nice to see.

Did I say they were not?

What women who think they've 'won' these men off their wives fail to realise is the following:

Men cheat for sexual variety This is true 70% of the time.
In this instance how happy - or not- they are with their wives is irrelevant.
They'll cheat regardless.

A lot of the time they will beg forgiveness but the wife refuses to forgive so they crawl to the mistress.
Who thinks she won. Lol.

Put bluntly, in 70% of men cheating is something they just do.
They do it regardless of who they are with. Happy or not.

So as long as the mistress- turned - wife can turn a blind eye to any infidelities then the marriage may not be doomed.

Gonna bet they demand sexual loyalty from him themselves, though, when the wedding rings on their finger. Lol.

Longevity isn't a measure of happiness.

@Littlepurpleridinghood it definitely is not. I was just answering the question posed by OP in the title of the thread.

Well said.
A close friend's father abandoned the family home when she was 5 and her sibling 2 for the OW.
He'd asked forgiveness but friend's mother would not allow him another chance.
He ended up marrying the mistress who he's also cheated on.

It's funny as f* because even though he's old now - and no silver fox-she's still watching him like a hawk.
It's obvious they can't stand each other.
Maybe too old and stubborn to part ways.

This is what you get when you marry an affair partner. Constant surveillance.

7/10 men cheat regardless of marital satisfaction.
It's part of their personality.

I don't care. If a woman has a hand in breaking up a marriage, tough shit if he in turn cheats on her.
Zero sympathy from me.

😂 imperfect execution but ultimately it was the right outcome.

Same use of the word ahaha.
Obviously name changing is allowed but two threads on the same topic.

Just some comments based on cheating husbands et al from my own observations.

If hubby is screwing around with one women only and he's serious about her he will leave his wife after about 3/4 months or make plans to do so.
This what happened to several girls I know. One minute they were married, the next minute he was gone! If it drags on for months then he's not serious about her.
I know girls who have been a married man's mistress for years and he's still not made a move !
If the wife finds out and boots him out, then OW gets him by default but she (OW) hasn't been 'chosen' - she's just the fallback girl.
Many affairs I have known about have an unequal power dynamic, weighted in the man's favour. He is very often older, has a better job, and higher social status.
The younger woman sees this and decides to hitch herself to his wagon. In the beginning it's good, lots of fancy holidays, kitchens with granite worktops, she can have kids with ponies who go to private schools.
It's not so much fun when he's older and if the age gap is 12+ years she can end up as a nursemaid to an old man, with impotence, incontinence, arthritis and hearing problems.
By this time she's aged as well and unless she can find a "toyboy" it's going to get really boring.

"An old man marrying a young lady is like buying a book for another person to read " - African proverb.

many say they were unhappy for years etc long before anyone is on the scene. either try and work at it then or leave and allow the other person to move on .

I'm returning, only to say that my father's second wife has been much much better for him than my DM could have been. The marriage at 20, to my mum, was a car crash; his second in 1988 has gone well. I am fond of wife2 and value her friendship. And I rather like having half-bothers.