AIBU to think not every relationship that starts as an affair is doomed?

[LivelyHazel]

I know this won't be a popular post at all and I’ll get piled on too but I don’t mind I'm genuinely just interested in people's views.

Fifteen years ago I met my now husband through a friend of a friend. We got on well, started meeting up going for drinks, food, dancing and, before I knew it, we were started sleeping together. It lasted about a month.He was married at the time. They didn't have children.

I'll be honest, I never expected it to become anything serious. I genuinely thought it would be a brief fling, we'd come to our senses and go our separate ways.

Instead, after about a month, he told me he wanted to leave his wife. I was actually quite taken aback because I hadn't expected him to do that. He said his marriage had been unhappy for a long time, although obviously I only had his side of the story.

He left, they divorced and we got to properly get to know each other, we took things slowly after that, and we're now married with four children. We've been together for 15 years and have a good family life.

Whenever affairs come up on here, the general consensus seems to be that the relationship is bound to fail, or that the ‘other woman’ never really ends up happy.That hasn't been our experience.

I'm not saying affairs are acceptable or that I feel proud of how our relationship started. I know people were hurt, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. But equally, I can't pretend I regret the life we've built together.

Not necessarily AIBU more so discussion based on the previous posts I’ve seen on here

It's a risk though isn't it? I'd never get into a relationship with a man who'd had an affair the same way I'd never get into a relationship with a man who had been abusive towards an ex. Yes, people can and do change. I have even seen perpetrators of domestic violence change. I've seen people with no history of infidelity or abuse go on to do those things too. So no relationship is safe, but when there's proof of poor character I wouldn't make my self vulnerable to being mistreated.

I don’t think it’s as black and white as that, personally. I cheated in one of my relationships. I’m not proud of it but, paradoxically, I am glad I did it: that particular relationship was very toxic and awful; he made me so unhappy but used to tell me no-one else would want to be with me —and I believed him. He isolated me from my friends and family and I felt incredibly lonely. Then I met someone —on a work trip — who did want to be with me, and we had a brief fling. That gave me the courage to end the first relationship. (I also ended the fling as I realised he wasn’t for me either, and to this day my then partner doesn’t know I cheated.) I’ve had other relationships where I wouldn’t dream of cheating — including with my now DH.
TBH, I think we’re all capable of dishonesty in certain circumstances.

My mum was unhappily married with two small children when she met my dad and had an affair with him. They were then very happily married for over 50 years until my dad died.

Of course not every relationship that starts in an affair will be a disaster. There are demonstrably loads of relationships that began that way and last for the rest of the couple’s lives.

Nothing is inevitable and every couple is different.

There are also many, many different reasons, motives and circumstances for affairs. In real life, people don’t dutifully conform to stereotype and don’t behave in the neat and predictable ways other people have mapped out for them.

None of this means it’s morally OK to have an affair, obviously. The fact that something works out well for someone doesn’t mean there’s nothing for them to feel guilty about. But ultimately, someone who made the wrong decision about who to marry meets the right person for them while they’re married. It’s messy and people get hurt but that’s true of a lot of things in life, sadly.

What a lot of arrogance. Do you also know the lottery numbers and the day you'll die?

Out of my wider group of friends, there are four marriages that started out as affairs (no children involved, all happened in their 20s/early 30s). All four are still together, and two couples have gone on to have children. It’s not something I really think about, it’s been so long, I don’t really think about how they got together. About a third of the rest of the group have divorced, but these were the couples that have been together since uni, so more of a growing apart issue I think.

I did many a stupid thing in my 20s, of which I have no intention of doing again! I don’t think once a cheater is always a cheater, people aren’t as binary as that.

40 years ago my Dp had an affair . It was very traumatic for me as I was you g, I had moved out of the aea a d had no friends or job. My mum told me i had made my bed, dont bother coming back etc.

He is still with his ' affair partner', who has been his wife for about 36 years. They have grandchildren and a nice life.

They are much more suited together than me and him were but it didnt feel like that at the time! Once the dust settled down I went on to have great relationship and have been with dh since 1990

Yes, MN has a very inflexible view on quite a lot of things, this included. It doesn't mirror real life - but I guess that's the outcome of anonymous forums. There's a lot of I would nevers and how could theys. People can claim to be anything they want on here, accurate or not, and being able to be self-righteously judgemental without anyone knowing is very alluring.

OP tripped and fell on his penis.

Agree ahaha

I didn't read that he lied to her. OP knew he was married but thought it was a brief fling and expected him to go back to his wife

There are always exceptions. In these cases, the ones that work tend to be ones like the King and Queen's, where they already knew each other and should have married each other in the beginning, and this was their only affair.

Most relationships that start from affairs don't work out. But there are no absolutes on it. There will always be some that buck the odds.

Haha 😄

Is this a race to the bottom?

Well done you for having a relationship that isn't particularly long with a man that may well have cheated on you and if he hasn't already, probably will.

My friend had an affair because she was deeply unhappy in her marriage to a selfish inflexible man who expected her to drop all her career and family hopes for him. The man she had an affair with was also married, to a woman who constantly belittled him. So they were made out to be the "villains" for doing something about a situation that suited their respects spouses, who would have happily continued getting what they wanted.

They've been happily married 20 years now.

😆😆

He's only about 46.

She'll have to watch him until he's at least 70+.

I would've said 60+ but with the invention of Viagra, he can go a bit longer I expect.

When I was a child my parents had a book called “how to build an affair proof marriage” I remember reading it at about age 11 because I was bored.

What I remember from that book has stuck with me my whole life. Every single person is capable of having an affair in the right circumstances. I think it’s very naive to think anyone is immune to it. People do all sorts of things they never imagined they would do.

The key to a good marriage is definitely protecting and prioritising your marriage. Remaining connected, not taking each other for granted.

Life is far more complicated and messy for a one size fits all rule to apply!

Also the definition of being happily together can be in the eye of the beholder. I know someone whose dad and stepmum have been together for over 30 years. Her mum - who refuses to be in the presence of her stepmum still - would claim that they are far from happy, that the stepmum is a manipulative temptress who still controls him through almost magical powers. If you actually spend time with them they seem like an entirely typical late middle aged couple, companionable and affectionate. Whether they were a success story would sound very different depending on whether you asked the mum or the stepmum - and I think the mum would be much the likelier of the two to be posting about it anonymously online.

What intrigues me is how unbothered the op seemed as to whether the relationship was long term or just a fling. Seemed like didn’t care either way! Hardly love story of the century

My ex and his affair partner were married and happy last I heard. It was a long time ago now but hearing that made me feel weirdly at peace with what happened

This makes it worse! You happily admit you saw it as a bit of fun without any thought to how his wife would feel! You were happy to risk pain to another person as you were just having a short term bit of fun!

I was conceived during a love affair between my married (to other people) parents. They each left their spouses (both had other children from their marriages) and lived happily ever after until my father died around three decades later.

I didn’t come here to say that our affair was a love story. I barely knew him, we started sleeping together and he said he wanted to get to know me better and wanted to end his marriage. I didn’t think he would actually end his marriage. I was 25 I was going to be fine regardless of whether he decided to end his marriage or not.

We got on well, started meeting up going for drinks, food, dancing and, before I knew it, we were started sleeping together.

Dating. Going out for food, drinks, and dancing is called dating. You were dating someone else’s husband. I don’t understand the faux naivety about how you accidentally had sex with the man who you’d been dating.