AIBU to think not every relationship that starts as an affair is doomed?

[LivelyHazel]

I know this won't be a popular post at all and I’ll get piled on too but I don’t mind I'm genuinely just interested in people's views.

Fifteen years ago I met my now husband through a friend of a friend. We got on well, started meeting up going for drinks, food, dancing and, before I knew it, we were started sleeping together. It lasted about a month.He was married at the time. They didn't have children.

I'll be honest, I never expected it to become anything serious. I genuinely thought it would be a brief fling, we'd come to our senses and go our separate ways.

Instead, after about a month, he told me he wanted to leave his wife. I was actually quite taken aback because I hadn't expected him to do that. He said his marriage had been unhappy for a long time, although obviously I only had his side of the story.

He left, they divorced and we got to properly get to know each other, we took things slowly after that, and we're now married with four children. We've been together for 15 years and have a good family life.

Whenever affairs come up on here, the general consensus seems to be that the relationship is bound to fail, or that the ‘other woman’ never really ends up happy.That hasn't been our experience.

I'm not saying affairs are acceptable or that I feel proud of how our relationship started. I know people were hurt, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. But equally, I can't pretend I regret the life we've built together.

Not necessarily AIBU more so discussion based on the previous posts I’ve seen on here

Totally agree with you

why do these people not leave though, they can leave when they have the affair suddenly but not before ? makes no sense, leave before the affair and do everyone a favour including themselves

I have no stats to answer your question but I hope they are all doomed. No one should be happy or prosper through the intentional misuse of others, IMO.

those who have affairs , if it happens to them they may then understand the pain. if your unhappy either work on it or leave. My DH had an affair and it hurts a lot and caused me so much more pain than if he had left when he supposedly noticed he was unhappy which is anything from 6 months before to years depending which version you believe. It has made me question my worth over and over and out whole marriage as in was this the first time ? how long etc . if he had left before yes it would have hurt but nothing like knowing about the lies , the deceit , the cheating etc

I hope they are all doomed.

You must know that they aren't.

That wasn't the point of my comment.

Would it make it any more or less devastating for someone to leave before an affair?

I've seen many people on here say they were just as blindsided and angry that their husbands could leave them for someone that they didn't even know very well or just wanted to explore a relationship with.

Well, you can go on hoping for the impossible if you like. Do you think it would benefit anyone if the King and Queen's relationship fails now?

I'm not really into doing whatever it is you're doing here.....I said what I said and it was mine to say. Find someone else to play with and have a good day!

What I'm doing is nothing shadowy or sinister. I'm saying it's a silly position to hold. It's an impossible hope, and it would mean there would be some benefit to the King's marriage failing now. There clearly isn't.

Nobody has suggested you aren't allowed to say it, for goodness sake, but you seem to be offended at someone responding to it.

I don't care what you think about my opinion and I don't care about your what about-ism. If someone doesn't want to engage with you, surely you can respect that and move on? Thank you so much.

are you the same op on the post about having an affair with her friend's husband? very similar writing style and apathy towards the affair in general.

You don't have to care but unfortunately you do have to accept that when you post a public opinion on a forum, people might respond to it. Seems pretty obvious it can't stand up to it, but that's because it's a silly position. If you don't want to engage, you're free to ignore. I would have thought someone who cared as little as you do would indeed do that.

It might not be straightforward. I used to think that way but now I know a lot of people are not well or have serious mental
heath issues, or even physical health issues that you can’t just walk out on. There could be children with additional needs. There could be that your child’s parent will end up homeless if you break up. There may be debts or negative equity. They might be afraid and fear for their lives. The partner might have additional needs themselves.

Even though it’s the rightest thing to do, to leave, it’s not the ‘easiest’ thing to do, and unfortunately that is the option most people go for. They weigh it up and decide to suit themselves.

it’s not just in relationships that people try to take the easiest route for themselves. Builders and another people do it too in many professions.

Also, most people having an affair think they are so good that will get away with it too. And also maybe they do not want to speak the truth and hurt someone they once loved ? Just pretend they can have both. There is a lot of procrastinators and deniers and people pleasers out there.

There is a million reasons and excuses but yes, a person should leave and walk out before starting another relationship. But life is not black and white.

And I would say no man is truly single. They always have something going on with someone.

Both scenarios suck, but I would rather not unwittingly be in a non-monogamous relationship. I would guess that the majority of married couples don’t use condoms 100% of the time, and taking away someone’s informed consent about their risk of exposure to STDs is not on.

I’d imagine the majority of second marriages start as affairs, but people are embarrassed to admit it.

The affair/karma rage on MN does not reflect anything I’ve seen in real life. Most people understand that life is messy and other people’s relationships are none of their business.

But he didn't string her along with "one day I'll leave her"
Not saying he was right to cheat, far from it . He should have left before they got together

@HotGrapefruit I’d imagine the majority of second marriages start as affairs, but people are embarrassed to admit it

Oi ! D'you mind ? Mine didn't !
I was single10 years before I remarried, mainly because of meeting eejits who took a while to reveal themselves.

Most people understand that life is messy and other people’s relationships are none of their business.

Some men bring their mess your way and try to make it your business, because they want a 'shoulder to cry on' - the usual "my wife doesn't understand me" rubbish.

I agree, sometimes you end up with the person you were meant to be with.

My ex-husband has been married to the woman he had an affair with for nearly 20 years now. My ex-boss has been married to the woman he had an affair with for over 25 years. A university acquaintance has also been married to the woman he had an affair with for over 20 years. He has been unfaithful multiple times but they are still married. It happens plenty. Always amuses me when people say that such relationships are doomed - because that is not true.

That said I think the deception involved in having an affair is wrong - regardless of the outcome. But that is an entirely separate issue to whether or not the relationship is doomed, simply because it started as an affair.

It's not a popular view on here, but not all affairs are the same. They're always wrong, of course, you should never do that. But some really are much more egregious than others.

He didn't, however I was asking a hypothetical question, would she be this blasé about the situation had he not left his first wife at all?

It depends on how things came to be.

I'm not heartless. If someone-man or woman-has an absolutely diabolical abusive spouse I'm not going to judge them for seeking comfort elsewhere.

But unless the AP is also in a similar situation, I think they're not that nice to be taking advantage.

There's also the sex less marriages where its sort of a don't ask don't tell arrangement.
Fair enough.

Most affairs are seedy as fuck, though, aren't they?

A close relative (she was divorced, him married) married her affair partner.
We all thought he was devoted to her - which he was in most respects to be fair - but I found out from a trusted source that he still played around.

So I do think that men who are sexually unfaithful are likely to continue to be.

Does this mean they don't love their wives? No but if sex is on offer frrom another woman, they'll take it.

It really is a character trait with men.

And it's arrogant and naive for any woman to think she'll change that.

I mean it. My close relative's dh was devoted but he still couldn't resist temptation.

No doubt a massively unpopular opinion, but I think that what your now-husband did was right. He was having an affair and quickly realised why he was doing it (he was married to the wrong person) and he did something about it. He didn’t keep one foot in each side of the ditch.

people marry the wrong person all the time. It is not cookie cutter perfect when the realisation drops or when it ends.

there are also people who think it’s ok to cheat in the background while simultaneously believing they deeply love their wife. This, is not something I can so easily understand. That is huge hypocrisy.

I also agree we change, become more aware as we age. Of course we are capable of developing our thoughts and beliefs.