AIBU to think not every relationship that starts as an affair is doomed?

[LivelyHazel]

I know this won't be a popular post at all and I’ll get piled on too but I don’t mind I'm genuinely just interested in people's views.

Fifteen years ago I met my now husband through a friend of a friend. We got on well, started meeting up going for drinks, food, dancing and, before I knew it, we were started sleeping together. It lasted about a month.He was married at the time. They didn't have children.

I'll be honest, I never expected it to become anything serious. I genuinely thought it would be a brief fling, we'd come to our senses and go our separate ways.

Instead, after about a month, he told me he wanted to leave his wife. I was actually quite taken aback because I hadn't expected him to do that. He said his marriage had been unhappy for a long time, although obviously I only had his side of the story.

He left, they divorced and we got to properly get to know each other, we took things slowly after that, and we're now married with four children. We've been together for 15 years and have a good family life.

Whenever affairs come up on here, the general consensus seems to be that the relationship is bound to fail, or that the ‘other woman’ never really ends up happy.That hasn't been our experience.

I'm not saying affairs are acceptable or that I feel proud of how our relationship started. I know people were hurt, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. But equally, I can't pretend I regret the life we've built together.

Not necessarily AIBU more so discussion based on the previous posts I’ve seen on here

I'm sorry but why does it matter whether you 'expected' it or not?

You chose to do it (assuming it was consensual) so there was no 'before I knew it' at all.

What a horrible story.

Poor pregnant wife. Poor kids.

But hey, your bil got his piece and your sis got a love story. Marvellous.

Ain’t life grand how it turns out so well (with a few casualties along the way).

Because he slept with her THEN told her he was married. Lying by omission surely.

I think people can have commtted relationships after staring as an affair. Sure it's less likely then a relationship starting as single people but it can happen. I know of couples that have had really committed relationships for over 30 years, I know of others that fizzled.out straight away once the excitement had gone. I do think people like to think that they don't though as a sort of karma.

I think a lot of people like to think their doesn’t happen because ultimately it is unfair.

I am not here to say I am a moral person what I did was wrong. I do think people can change I’m not the same person I was at 25 and I like to think I’ve changed for the better. I don’t mind being judged for the decisions I made.

I knew the was married from the day I met him before we’d even slept together.

I think you’ve misunderstood my post ahaha my bad it was weirdly worded.

Yeah you’re right

Honestly there are so many people in the world I just can’t imagine it being worth it to choose someone who has shown how little respect they have for someone they chose to be a life partner.

The biggest mistake anyone can make is believing they are different, or better, they’re most often just a bit behind in time.

Good luck OP, hope we don’t see you back soon after finding texts/gifts/visits elsewhere.

People like to think life is fair, and so tell themselves that a relationship starting in an affair must be doomed. In reality life is unfair in many ways and it's s perfectly possible for people to cheat, leave two devastated ex partners reeling from the shock and then go on to have an amazing relationship.

Just as high school bullies sometimes go on to have amazing lives and nasty people sometimes end up wealthy and happy.

It's not fair but then life isn't fair.

I think given you are only 15 years in… it’s quite complacent to presume your relationship isn’t doomed

I know someone who’s married and happy that started out as an affair. His marriage was not great, she was single. They’ve been together for 12 years now and are very happy. I also know another couple, he was single she was in a very unhappy marriage they’ve now been together nearly 30 years. So I guess it does work out sometimes

But I am still not clear about what you are saying you were “delusional” about?

Maybe it is. I have 4 lovely boys from our relationship i love my kids more than anything so we will have to see. He loves his sons so I guess if our relationship was doomed I think our children will be okay.

I think the OP needs to be worried for as many years as he's capable of getting an erection.

She can probably relax after that.

Ah, apologies.

I know a fair few people in long term happy relationships that started as affairs.

Only 15 years? 😂 That’s longer than a lot of marriages last these days!

True ahah

No one is talking about how he parents or how much you love your kids

You don’t know whether or not your relationship is doomed. He is only 46. You have been together 15 years.

But I am most curious about what you think you were delusional about given you then say how well everything worked out

Agreed
but op is 40, he’s 46

hardly nearing the end of their lives together

As I say I don't condone it at all, I was simply answering OPs question.

I have been with my DH since we were both 15 (now in our 50's) and we are very much against affairs, in fact my DH wouldn't talk to my sister for a while once he discovered what she had been part of and even all these years later it still irks us both and my sister has admitted she has always been deeply ashamed. I'm not going into the ex-wife's life too much but she isn't a particularly nice person (the children have a very strained relationship with her), due to many things she has done which I won't mention on her, I don't feel sorry for her at all. It's the kids I have always had sympathy for, it has had a massive impact on their lives. My heart will always go out to them.

So no, life 'ain't grand' at all and there have been many many bumps over the years but the cold truth is that my sister's and bil's relationship did start from an affair but they are still together decades later just as op and her DH are.

Having been on the receiving end of an affair, your behaviour affects others. It very nearly destroyed me at the time. If you aren’t happy in a relationship, leave but don’t destroy an innocent person with shitty selfish behaviour. I am a firm believer in karma!

Of course. I am the product of an affair that morphed into a 45 year marriage.

Its not popular to admit that on here because understandably people who have been cheated on don’t want the successive relationship to work and obviously its not a great start to a relationship and causes pain and suffering to a lot of people.

But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t ever work out.

I have a family member who had an affair and walked out in their family. They got divorced and married the affair partner. They seem happy. The family left behind, not so much.

40 years ago this sutumn, my parents' best friends broke up because of his affair. He's still married to the affair partner, now they're in their 80s.

I think if someone was a serial philandering,there would be little expectation of it lasting second (third, fourth) time round. But then, another schoolfriend, her father's been with the same woman over 20 years now, and he got through quite a few in younger years.