To find menopause totally destabilising?!

[Meetmeinlove]

I am 53 and in perimenopause- I am still ovulating some months but am on HRT and coping kind of ok with the physical symptoms- still having periods as regular as clockwork.

But emotionally I am finding this whole period of life to be completely WILD- like totally upending! It’s described sometimes as reverse puberty and I can kind of see why.

I have generally been sociable throughout my life, have lots of friends, am active and like doing stuff. But I am finding I am questioning everything and everyone - my place in the world, my relationships. I feel quite lonely a lot of the time and find friendships drifting, find that I don’t even really like some of the people in my life. I am finding it very difficult and challenging.
This very much includes my marriage too.

Its probably a cliche- I am probably a mid life cliche but I think everyone talks about the physical part of menopause & whether to take HRT or not- but this up- ending feels less talked about- I feel like I am becoming a different person and it’s so weird.

Finding it very destabilising. Socially I know I can find new hobbies, meet new people etc. That’s not the issue in some ways- it’s more how much of that I actually want to do, deciding where to put my energy and at the moment it feels more
like things are falling away.

I am aware I probably sound a bit nuts but it’s a reflection of my
menopausal state!!

Anyone else know what I mean? It’s a crazy time of life!!!

I’m sorry to hear that. Although I was older than you (50) I had a full hysterectomy due to high cancer risk (before I was menopausal so I was still having regular periods). They whipped everything out and I was fine, although I went on HRT automatically so don’t know what I would have been like without it. Was taken off HRT after 3 years due to the high risk factors and haven’t suffered at all since (15 years since op). So you may not have bad symptoms afterwards. Good luck, I hope you will be as fortunate as I was 🙏🏼

Placemarking; attempted and deleted to start a thread yesterday about exactly this.

But in my case I’ve been wondering if it’s the tamoxifen I’m on. I’d been thinking of coming off it purely due to the cognitive affects and even considering a low dose hrt (I’ve had oestrogen positive breast cancer) - but I’ve not been sure if it’s the tam or stage of life or menopause or burnout.

I saw an nhs menopause consultant who was wonderful. And suggested adhd. And it’s in the family, and I do recognise issues I’ve had my whole life, especially during puberty and with hypothyroidism (also my whole adult life) which have worsened considerably- the filter for example 🤣 also a weird version of OCD.

At the same time, what’s the point of a diagnosis? I don’t want any drug that’s going to dampen my libido more. And I could debate the framing of adhd in the light of this thread.

In a way it’s reassuring that even those on MHT are experiencing the same. Whilst I also feel it’s utterly shit we have to deal with this.

There are a number of things I’ve found that help - I suppose I’ve been driven to researching it as I had to come off the hrt.

The boring stuff like sleep, CBT (I found something called rational cbt very helpful) lots of anti inflammatory approaches such as resistance training, walking, what I eat, anti inflammatory foods etc. I Find dancing to favourite music very motivational. I’m probably listening to more music than I did as a teen actually.

I also personally notice that if I eat more for breakfast and am mindful of protein (a cancer book suggested 30 grams each meal), it has a huge impact on my motivation and focus the next day.

I feel like I’ve had a personality change. It’s like a female version of Harry Enfield’s Kevin.

I’m 46 and have been using Oestrogen gel with progesterone tablets for about 6 months now. Only symptoms were mood related (still have regular cycles and no flushes etc) but when I genuinely and sincerely thought I could understand why people commit suicide and that it seemed like a viable option on some days, I knew I really needed help. I’d never had a suicidal thought in my head until then. The anxiety, anger, depression and immense lack of motivation all but disappeared within a few weeks and for that I am grateful. I can still get pretty irritable towards end of cycle but nothing like it was.
I feel like I have found a degree of clarity about my life that I did not have before. The triggers for feeling anxious, angry or depressed that were linked to relationships with other people in my life I think I now handle better. I also find I have no filter, but prefer to be honest with people about expectations and what I will and won’t do, I’m direct but not rude or mean but I genuinely also do not give a flying fuck if other people don’t like my attitude. I’m actually embracing that part and see it as a bit of a positive amongst all the crap that comes with getting older.

I’m in crash menopause due to breast cancer treatment and it’s horrendous. No HRT either obviously.

The psychological effects are worse than the physical ones IMO. I’m not sure how others’ DCs are escaping their ire: mine are driving me mad, along with most people. Mostly it’s the anxiety and general sense of trepidation that I’m finding it hard to adjust to. I was holidaying solo, moving cities, and backpacking round SE Asia on my own in my 20s. Now in my 40s, I have to attend an event today in a nearby city and it’s causing me massive anxiety.

Yes, I’ve just had a period of this. Saying I’m at home decluttering etc… Then just drinking tea. Like my social ability just wasn’t there. I loved being out & about before. It was really discombobulating. It impacted my fitness & fatness, as I wasn’t even going for walks or nipping to the shop. Making everything much worse… Trying to get out of it now, summer is helping as we’re meeting more friends & days out with DS.

NHS Meno consultant I saw recommended vit d and omega 3 very enthusiastically btw.

And all my boring things. Which is why I think she suggested adhd. But I’ve many other stressers so the boring things aren’t enough imo. I have to keep revisiting the RCBT ideas.

For all those facing this via cancer I can thoroughly recommend the Cancer and Menopause podcast and charity.

The menopause consultant I saw is on an early episode (Dr Charlotte Gooding.) I found the breathing episodes very helpful too.

@Ikeameatballlunch relate so much to what you’ve said. Also on Tamoxifen and reluctant to see GP about the mood issues as I don’t want an SSRI to kill the little libido I have left!

Have recently started again at a new gym and have been trying to eat and supplement my way out of the fog.

Me too, I'm mid 40s but I don't recognise myself anymore. What I want and how I feel changes dramatically from day to day so I can't trust my judgement.

When I eventually got HRT it worked wonders but I need to up the dose again, the mood swings have crept back in.

I remember having a period of feeling like ‘what’s the point?’.
The kids are adults so don’t need me, DF had died, I’d be perfectly happy if DH left, I was feeling meh due to peri, and I had a feeling that I’d be OK if I just didn’t exist any more. Not feeling suicidal, just not seeing the point of me personally being here. Luckily that’s passed now, but it wasn’t nice.

solidarity all - me too!
My GP causally mentioned adding Testosterone to my HRT- anyone tried it and did it help energy/brain fog/mood?

I'm in early meno due to medication, it's so disorientating.

I crash energetically and emotionally midday in a way that leaves me totally unfit to work, I've forgotten to file important receipts and reply to mega emails. I used to have a photographic style memory so it's like I've lost the crutch that got me through the work I do, it's been kicked out from underneath me.

My relationships have tanked because I just don't have the energy to maintain them and I can literally go for weeks without thinking of people I used to consider myself pretty close to. I'm not withdrawing in a depressed way, I just have a blank space in me where all that interpersonal back and forth used to be.

I don't have anxiety (yet), I'm just an unmotivated passenger it feels like.

I can still find me in there if I look hard, but it's almost like I've gone back to younger me who just wanted to explore the woods alone. I can't stand people en masse (had to leave a shopping centre the other day due to being so overwhelmed I thought I might pass out). I need a hermitage in a finnish valley somewhere.

I’m going through this so much too. I’m 45 but had a full hysterectomy and oophorectomy in June so I’m going through medical menopause now. I was thankfully cleared to start HRT a couple of weeks ago (I’d had endometrial cancer and to have that then be allowed HRT is pretty rare) but I’m guessing it’ll take a bit of time to really help.

Just this week I had a full on toddler-style meltdown, nearly destroyed my marriage and I don’t think my two closest friends want to speak to me right now because of it. It wasn’t my first meltdown this week either, I reacted badly to something on Monday then ended up losing something really sentimental to me (and something of DH’s at the same time).

I also have fibromyalgia which has meant I run hotter a lot of the time anyway but OMG the hot flashes are insane. My energy levels and memory were also bad from that but they’re non-existent now.

I haven’t worked for a little while for various reasons but I was a self-employed copyeditor, right now I’m making so many mistakes just in typing posts like this I don’t trust myself to try to work again as I don’t think I’d have the accuracy needed.

It’s the mental health side of it that’s the worst though. I’m so depressed and lonely. My DC are both young adults and live at home but both like their own space so are usually shut away in their rooms and DH works long night shifts 4-5 times a week, I spend every evening sitting alone in the living room then going to bed alone and waking up alone. DH usually comes home around the time I’m getting up and then he sleeps when I’m awake. Even when he has a day off I feel all he does is sleep. My friends are so busy with their lives that I barely see them but they’ll occasionally go out together and it always feels to me that I’m being left out of things on purpose when they’ve tried to reassure me it’s not. The paranoia and anxiety I’m going through are horrendous and I just can’t control it.

I’m planning on going to the GP on Tuesday as I can’t continue like this but I’m pretty much expecting just to be told to give the HRT more time.

Thank you for this post. It has helped me immensely this morning! 46 and going through all the things people have described here. I thought I was going insane! I just want to be at home all the time. I've let alot of friendships go and to be honest I'm not interested in getting any new ones going either. I feel like I dont like anyone anymore apart from my immediate family.

I know what you mean OP. I'm on HRT and THANK GOD I can take it, because I honestly think it's all that stands between me and madness some days. The physical symptoms are pretty well managed, although I do sometimes feel utterly exhausted, but I find I can power through the work week and sleep at the weekends; but the emotional ones are really hard and I don't find HRT really helps. I often feel anxious, lonely, gripped by fear that I've upset people or offended them, when I rationally I can't think of any reason why this would be. But a lot of my female friends are at a similar stage of life and some have just dropped off the face of the Earth socially and I find that hard. As for forgetting words - I'm just grateful that my line manager is also a midlife woman of the same age who understands and we can laugh about it.

I also don’t want to cook and clean anymore.

God, me neither! I was never much of one for cooking and cleaning in the first place, but now I'm immensely grateful to have a cleaner once a week and that my kids are teens who can rustle up their own food from time to time. DH took them out yesterday for the whole day and I had a blissful day to myself, just me and the cat, no meals to cook, no one making a noise or a mess. It was heaven!

Perimenopause and early stages of menopause are hideous. The waking up at 3am in a panic and general anxiety were the worst part but the physical pain in my joints was terrible too. HRT does help but it takes a while to feel better. I'm 60 now and feel more human again so there is hope. I still can't be bothered to clean but I'm not sure whether that's menopause or just because it's no fun in the heat! As and when you start to feel a bit better, try to start exercising to maintain muscle mass and bone density as these decline a lot with age. I've found it has really helped me physically but also with my energy and motivation - I nver thought I'd enjoy the gym or yoga but now love going.

Can I ask what age your cycles stopped?

51 for me. I bled almost continually for nine months and then suddenly it stopped and since then, nothing. The relief was immense!

Those of you who stopped having periods late - did you also start late? I'm just wondering if there is a correlation.

@MarilynMerlot I have a friend who has become very much like this. I have withdrawn too as I'm always the one suggesting meet ups but now it's just maybe 4 times a year and even then she just doesn't seem to enjoy it and is in a mood. She says things like she can't be bothered with anyone or anything. Do you think I should just let this relationship die or keep up in the hope she'll come back through one day? It's really hard as I just feel totally devalued and worthless as a friend to her now.

I think it depends how long you’ve been friends for. I had one or 2 like this snd I took it personally and things didn’t end well. I should t just drifted off. Instead I chose to discuss how I felt and they felt attacked 😌

Well life expectancy is in the 80s now for women and thats a long time to be miserable if you have symptoms that dont resolve with lifestyle changes

My friend confided in me that she got up 5 times a night to pee, in her culture menopause is a taboo subject so she couldnt discuss it, she?was miserable and exhausted
I advised her to talk to her GP about vaginal oestrogen
She did and her life is transformed
GU Syndrome of the Menopause is horrific and causes UTI , Vaginal atrophy and urinary symptoms in around 65-85% of women
My Gp is of the opinion that all menopausal women should be on topical oestrogens to keep everything healthy
We need to talk about this and no one wins a medal for suffering

No, I started at 11. 53 and still going strong.

Yes, I know. I have Ovestin for GSM symptoms. They are hell. The Ovestin works wonders and keeps me symptom free. Only hormones I'm using though.

I can relate to all of this. I’m a bit further on than you and yes, I feel better in some ways now, but I still don’t recognise myself or know what I want any more. I don’t seem to like anything much (apart from adult DC) and find life in general much harder than I used to.

I do go out at night sometimes but really don’t enjoy it all that much - the journey home late at night never seems worth it balanced against the activity.

I’m still working full time and struggling with that, in a parallel universe I could retire at 60 or go down to 2 days and see if my quality of life returned. I’m pretty sure it would, when I’m on annual leave I do feel better and can think of things I want to do.

HRT is definitely helping and I’m not planning on giving it up until I’m forced to!

It’s making me think quite differently about my mum at this age and older, and giving me a possible insight into how she felt.

There are highlights - I find it much easier to speak up when I’m not happy about something but also feel that age has given me the tools to do this more confidently and gracefully.

But I worry about how I might be in 10 years (should I be lucky enough to still be around) and I’m developing a bit of a fear of old age. I think that’s normal at my age though.