AIBU to still have reservations about my daughter's engagement due to the 17 yr age gap ?

[ElatedAqua]

My daughter is 27 and has been with her fiancé for just over two years. They're now engaged and, while I'm genuinely trying to be happy for her, I can't quite shake my concerns.

The issue is the age gap. He's 44, so 17 years older than her. We first met him when she introduced him to us and, although we did raise our concerns with her at the time, she's always maintained that age is just a number.

They met at work. They're both barristers, and he was senior to her when they first got to know each other. He met her 2 years after his divorce

He has two boys from his previous marriage, and they absolutely adore my daughter. She's never been remotely bothered that he has children, and by all accounts they've settled into a lovely relationship.

The thing is, he's genuinely a lovely man. DH and I both like him, he treats our daughter well, and we enjoy spending time with them. My daughter clearly adores him, and he obviously loves her too.

DH thinks we should just leave them to it. He says they're both adults, they've had a happy, stable relationship for over two years, and there's no reason to assume it won't last. He also thinks that if I keep bringing up my concerns, I'll only risk damaging my relationship with my daughter, and she's always trusted me.

Maybe I'm just being old-fashioned or prudish. I look at my daughter and think she's beautiful, hardworking, intelligent, Cambridge law graduate now a barrister and has built quite the career for herself and has so much going for her. Part of me thinks she could easily have met someone closer to her own age. On the other hand, she's always said she's attracted to older men, so perhaps that's simply her preference and I'm reading too much into it.

I think what bothered me was the fact that DH and I are both 52, we are closer in age to him and get on very very well with him.

AIBU to still have reservations because of the age gap or should I accept that she's chosen someone who makes her happy and leave my worries at the door?

She's marrying a MAMIL who, despite having three young children and a very demanding job, plus a newish serious relationship with her, prioritises going off and cycling all over Europe over time with his kids...

She's going to be a Lycra-widow with two step kids. Poor woman, she clearly has no idea what she's volunteering for... If she does have a baby with him in a few years time she needs to know she'll be default parent despite the same carer.

Exactly - it now feels as though she actually started the thread purely to evangelise about how great age gaps are.

Age has nothing to do with those though. You can get a stroke young

My daughter is engaged to a man who is more or less my age. What is important to me is that he is good to her, which he is. She is aware that she may end up caring for him and will probably lose him when she is fairly young, but she says it will be worth it for the happiness he brings her now. I am sure that your daughter, as an intelligent woman, has thought of all this. Just be happy for her.

That's not only disingenuous its blatantly untrue to say age has nothing to do with likelihood of stroke!

Anything can happen, very sadly childhood strokes and childhood dementia even happen in rare cases due to specific genetic or other congenial disorders, tumours or medical treatment, but the likelihood of all the predominantly age related medical events and conditions (heart attack, stroke, most types of cancer, dementia, arthritis) increases exponentially with age.

I wish more people in my life spent time voicing their concerns and trying to understand why things bother them. One family member is a classic - constant judgmental opinionated comments about how other people live their lives, often accompanied with "I don't understand why he/she did that" without talking to that person to understand their side of it.

Kudos for the OP for trying to process why she feels the way she does.
Shame it's been met with so many rediculous stereotypes.

Never understood threads like this. She's an adult and is marrying him. End of story. Sure, you can have 'concerns' privately if you want, but there's nothing you can do about it; it's her life. You can't live her life for her, and you can't change her decision, concerns or no.

And your husband is right: if you keep banging on about it to your daughter, she will distance herself.

There’s always one 🙄 It’s the probability of age related illnesses. They don’t call your fifties sniper’s alley for nothing.

This is the most level headed comment on the entire thread

They do? Guess im fkkd then...😫

Age is the most significant risk factor in a stroke

Leave them to it, she's a barrister so I'm guessing she's well educated and got her head screwed on. Your DH is right, if you are too disapproving you will push her away from confiding in you or seeking your help IF things go wrong (which they might do for any number of other reasons apart from age gap, it's not the only reason marriages fail!). On the other hand if things work out (and in balance, more marriages succeed than fail) she'll always know you don't approve, is that what you want?

No, you’re not unreasonable to worry. But don’t say a word - it’ll work out or it won’t.

My 2nd husband was14 years older than me, and we had a lot of happy years until he died. 👍

I think you’ve had your chance to share your concerns long before now. You will push her away if you raise it now, and if it ever does fall apart it will be harder for her to come to you.

It’s ok to have reservations and feel protective. However I don’t think there’s any justification to try and intervene. It’s a huge positive that you all get on and he treats her well. Just continue being there for her. If it doesn’t work out you’ll still be there and she’ll get through it.

She’s found love, let her be happy. She’s clearly not stupid!

He’s 44. I’m 48. I don’t need a carer 🙄🤣

Her choice, her business.

I completely understand why you’ve got reservations, but there’s nothing you can do about it. She’s not going to give him up just because you say so, is she?

So I think you just have to hide your concerns and hope for the best, or you risk alienating her.

But he's divorced, where is the proof he's good at relationships.

How much older than him are you OP. Yes, I would absolutely feel like it's a bit young to be settled with someone that age. My DH is close to that age, I just can't imagine the differences in a generation not getting in the way. All the fun you can have in your twenties with someone a similar age.

Wtf are you on about 😂

@ElatedAqua you clearly do not want to hear the reasons why this age gap may not be ideal as you dismiss and defend at every opportunity. So what’s your problem?

The OP seems so intent on pushing back on anyone who says YANBU that I suspect this is a reverse.

Ha ha. We don't know why he's divorced and the expectation is that second time around he knows how to keep a woman happy and maintain the marriage.

I’ve skim read through all the OP posts and I’m still a bit confused about what the concern is. The age gap yes - but why? All the comments you seem to be batting back so seem to support your DD.