AIBU to still have reservations about my daughter's engagement due to the 17 yr age gap ?

[ElatedAqua]

My daughter is 27 and has been with her fiancé for just over two years. They're now engaged and, while I'm genuinely trying to be happy for her, I can't quite shake my concerns.

The issue is the age gap. He's 44, so 17 years older than her. We first met him when she introduced him to us and, although we did raise our concerns with her at the time, she's always maintained that age is just a number.

They met at work. They're both barristers, and he was senior to her when they first got to know each other. He met her 2 years after his divorce

He has two boys from his previous marriage, and they absolutely adore my daughter. She's never been remotely bothered that he has children, and by all accounts they've settled into a lovely relationship.

The thing is, he's genuinely a lovely man. DH and I both like him, he treats our daughter well, and we enjoy spending time with them. My daughter clearly adores him, and he obviously loves her too.

DH thinks we should just leave them to it. He says they're both adults, they've had a happy, stable relationship for over two years, and there's no reason to assume it won't last. He also thinks that if I keep bringing up my concerns, I'll only risk damaging my relationship with my daughter, and she's always trusted me.

Maybe I'm just being old-fashioned or prudish. I look at my daughter and think she's beautiful, hardworking, intelligent, Cambridge law graduate now a barrister and has built quite the career for herself and has so much going for her. Part of me thinks she could easily have met someone closer to her own age. On the other hand, she's always said she's attracted to older men, so perhaps that's simply her preference and I'm reading too much into it.

I think what bothered me was the fact that DH and I are both 52, we are closer in age to him and get on very very well with him.

AIBU to still have reservations because of the age gap or should I accept that she's chosen someone who makes her happy and leave my worries at the door?

Its such male entitlement to have no qualms about signing a woman up to grow into being your nurse later in life

You say you are concerned, but don’t really articulate what specifically you’re concerned about.
You must have been married with kids in your early 20’s when she was born? Do you feel you missed out on career/travel/whatever and were hoping that she would do things differently? A bit of living vicariously that you now feel you’re missing out on?
Otherwise, happiness is hard to find. Be thrilled she’s happy and successful, life works its self out generally, and she’s 27, quite old enough to be making her own decisions right or wrong.

Kids ? Does she want children? Does he want more?

She should consider all options. How old are the DC now? If the mum died (yes it happens) would she be happy living with and parenting his sons permanently / until adulthood with her own DC in the mix? How would she feel that he would be almost 60 when she was 40? Or the oldest dad at the school gates? It's it ringing alarm bells that she is already doing childcare duties, not with but instead of him?

Such male entitlement too to think you can start having babies in your mid 40s.

Ive just read in one of your updates that hes already got her doing pickups instead of him which is nice

You can have all the reservations you like but it's not going to change anything. There's nothing you can do, she is an adult who will do what she sees fit.

I agree with childcare and stepchildren. When I met my now husband I had two kids and he had none. There is no way I would have expected him to do any childcare for my boys until we were very well-established and even then, only a small amount. My kids, my responsibility (alongside my ex-husband).

What on earth are you on about? He’s 44.

?? Sometimes relationships don’t work out. You don’t need to be judgemental over people whose marriages haven’t worked out. You’re making assumptions I haven’t even said why they’re divorced or gone into any details.

She chose to do that. She loved his children and had plans with them. I’m unsure what is wrong with that if she gets on with the children, the mum likes her too and they coparent enough for his fiancé to have a bond with the children what’s the issue ?

Read my response. I have said this many time. They both want children, his children are looking forward to the wedding.
His previous marriage just did not work out but they are great coparents.

AIBU to still have reservations because of the age gap?
That was your question. Im unsure what you are gaining from arguing with people who are saying YANBU, unless you aren't the mother here but are in fact one of the people in the couple

Why didnt his marriage work out if they are on such sunny terms still?
How olds the ex wife?

I didn’t get married till I was in my 40s. I am slightly confused as to where all these assumptions are coming from?

I guess I had my own idea as to the type of man my daughter would bring him. It’s something I just have to accept I can’t really name anything “bad” about him. We’ve spent time with him gone on holiday etc we have gotten to know him. It’s just he’s closer in age to DH and i than he is to our daughter.

@ElatedAqua
Gosh - he will be a very old father in that case if he's already 44.

They both realised it had run its course. They were together from school. They met in nursery they’ll always be good friends it just ran it’s course but I can also infer from what I have seen. There’s not been any drama. They’re the same age.

I am not going to judge people for their marriages not working out not every marriage works out. I haven’t even been married 10 years so I know nothing about marriages. I think people can be quite judgmental sometimes relationships do not last for 60+ years and that’s okay.

They’re both great parents, she is seeing someone herself and the children seem to like my daughter enough to always want to see her and she loves them to bits.

I married someone ten years older and it’s already really depressing at times. All his friends are older, cultural references are different, his career was established and came first, he’s very intolerant of teenage stuff, set in his ways. I sometimes think I’d love to be with someone my age.

So basically he thought he deserved a trade in for a younger model, but no hard feelings?

So what ?

My parents had me in their 40s my father was 46 when I was born and he was a very active father but also by nature he’s an active individual. I think this is just individual based on health etc. 40s aren’t old and weak ahaha.

My daughters fiancé seems active, cycling from Cornwall to Scotland, cycling around Europe. I think he’ll be fine. This is not what my concern is about. I’m not ageist.

I haven’t even been married 10 years

Is your husband your daughters father?

ahaha I do not know. She is with someone too. I think you’re just assuming things about their marriage here but alright.

I can understand out of love for your DD that you have concerns. The examples of age gap relationships and the men who dump their wives once they reach a certain age (or have affairs).

This however does seem one where the concerns are much less, from what you describe.

No my children’s father passed away over 20 years ago. We were never married I have never cared for marriage, never changed my name ever in 52 years but I think that’s because of my experiences. He came from a good family, my children received the inheritance and his family gave me parts of his estate too albeit we were not married and never planned to marry.

I have been with my husband for 15 years. He had children too from his previous marriage and we all live together, blended family seemed to have worked out well for us but I understand it’s not always easy. Which is why we chose not to get married for a while.

It will either work or she will regret it later in life, they won’t be on the same page in life and that may be what ultimately ends this relationship.
she will at some point realise she is missing out on a
life of people her age, but you have to leave her to it, maybe she’s old headed and won’t, but not much you can do.

@ElatedAqua And what if it takes them years to achieve a successful pregnancy?